Sandra Gay Got Me Drunk

Good Idea: Going to the bar after Sandra's last final to celebrate.

Great Idea: Getting drunk in the middle of the day and not going back to work until four and half hours later.

Better Idea: Stealing an awesome pint glass from the bar after being encouraged by two fellow LawBitches and my dear husband.

Bad Idea: Stopping to go to the bathroom in one of the other graduate programs' buildings on the way back to the law school.

Worse Idea: Being so wasted that the stolen pint glass fell out my jacket pocket and shattered into a million pieces on the floor right outside the bathroom.

Worst Idea: Being caught on videotape breaking the glass outside the bathroom, wasted, and then running frantically to the law school.

Thank God we've got less then five months left.

Don't Call it a Comeback...(seriously we aren't reuniting like the Eagles)

So...somehow the ABA (aka "Big Brother") got ahold of this blog and decided to nominate it as one of the top 100 Blawgs.

The Lawbitches are honored and humbled. They are currently pondering whether they can put this on their resumes. Would it have made a difference during OCI?

Anyway, they are now pandering for votes. In the name of all things holy and sacred (pretty sure thats hookers and blow for them) go and vote. And vote for them on different computers.

If they win this award they would like to dedicate it to all their lovely readers over past 2 years. Most of them miss you all very much (well, at least Lance and Larceny do, and Calculating does have her moments) and miss blogging about their mundane lives.

And for the record, Lance feels that Frugal Law Student should not top the JD In Training category. The top student blawg should go to a site that brought you laughter -- not one that taught you how to save money.

Thanks again to those of you who have been following the LawBitches since their second semester, first year!

UPDATE: Apparently the banner below sends you to the main page, click on "JDs in Training" to find our blog. Also, we've opened up comments. Happy voting!

No Return of the Jedi

So while it doesn't appear that the LawBitches are coming back anytime soon, they have decided that a "Best of There's No Competition in Law School" is in order -- if only to dispel some of the rumors.

For those law students out there who don't have senses of humor, don't read this blog. For those that don't have senses of humor and go to school with the crew from TNCILS, please take note:
  • The LawBitches were not ranking female law students on their blawg.
  • The LawBitches were not forced to shut down by the administration; they voluntarily chose to shut down (don't be mad at them, some of their fellow students don't have senses of humor, it's a small legal community, the rumor mill is rampant and they all want to be employed upon graduation).
  • The LawBitches are uncivil at times; deal with it.
  • The LawBitches are rarely serious.
  • The LawBitches do not really cut themselves.
  • The LawBitches, while perhaps borderline drunks, are no more alcoholics then most law students.
  • The LawBitches do actually study at times. At least first year they did. Second year they crammed right before finals, and third year they are simply getting by based on all of their good looks. (Except for the Swinging Kennedy who is getting by based on his skills behind the 7/11).
  • The LawBitches employ a rude tone to be funny, but also to shield their true identities. The truth is they are all as sweet as sugar, and next to them Little Bo Peep looks like a raging bitch.

Advice: Day 27

"The Pain of Law School OCI"

We here at the Lawbitches have gone through the struggle. Although a few of us are on law review, have wonderful life/job experiences, and have done really well in law school, none of us got a job through OCI. We really have enjoyed listening to the 2Ls here discussing how many interviews they had and how many call backs they had. Little do they realize that call backs do not mean jobs. We also feel for some of the other bloggers out there who have gone through OCI and have been absolutely demoralized. Don't worry, you'll find a job. Time to network (the other pain of law school).

3L Advice: Motivating Quotes

"Motivating Law School Quotes"

Brick walls are there to show you just how much you want something.

3L Advice: Speaking in Class

"Speaking in Law School Class"

Do it.

Because you will have to anyway at some point, and you might as well humiliate yourself now.

Everyone looks like a moron at some point in law school. Better to get it over with right away.

Advice: Day 3

"What if I fail the MPRE?"

Take it again. And again.

Or, look at it this way -- you really can't fail the MPRE, you may just have to move to a less ethical jurisdiction. Try somewhere down south (Alabama, Georgia, Missisippi), somewhere more backwards (Kentucky, South Dakota, West Virginia), or somewhere where they probably don't even have accredited law schools (N. Mariana Islands, Palau, and the Virgin Islands). Apparently Puerto Rico doesn't require the MPRE so you can always go there.

To all of you taking the MPRE right now, good luck!

Advice: Day 2

Courtesy of Reasonable Peep:

"If I apply to law school in January am I screwed?"

As in any good legal world issue, the question is for what exactly are you screwed? If you were banking on some hefty scholarship money from the school or elsewhere to pay for your education, then yeah, you are screwed. Most scholarship money is disbursed early on, so the later your application, the lower your chances--sorry.

In terms of getting into law school, no you are not necessarily screwed depending on where you want to go and how good your application is. If you have a strong application, you will probably get in. However, you may find out about getting in late, which could screw up your world in more ways then one.

I remembering tabling at the first year orientation during my second year, and I ran into a guy I graduated with from undergrad. He was a first year. He told me he had applied in July, was notified of his acceptance THE DAY BEFORE ORIENTATION, told his boss the day of orientation he needed to quit his job effective immediately, and showed up halfway through the orientation. He did just fine during his first year, but he had a very stressful start to the process and missed the opportunity for money and any other helpful legal course programs that were offered by the school prior to orientation.

Overall--if you want to go to law school next year, apply sooner rather than later if you want to get the most bang for your indebted dollar!

Advice Day 16

"how to pick up chicks in law school?"

Might I direct you to "Chicks Dig Law Students" now called, "Chicks did Law Clerks," who has recently returned to blogging. He's a funny dude. He fucks. A lot. None of the law bitches go out to "pick up chicks" because we are either married or in in serious committed relationships.

3L Advice: Middle of Class

"What to do if your in middle of your law school class"

Give up on getting a six figure salary immediately after graduation unless you go to Harvard, Yale, or another top 10 school (and if you go to that school does it even matter where you graduate).

Another option is to start a blog and bitch constantly about law school.

A final option might to be take out the entire law review (preferably during a law review meeting so there is very little collateral damage). If you take out the entire law review that might move you up 10 to 20 percent in your class rank (depending on how many and how they let people join your law review). Good luck with the murdering!

Advice Day 11

"how to get Westlaw points"

This my area of expertise. See my previous post on the topic ("Westlaw=Crack.") Not only do I whore myself out to Westlaw, I am an equal opportunity whore and also use Lexis. For Westlaw, attend every single training session you can (you can get 200 or more points for each session, I am actually in a Training Session right now). Do the topical seminars and take the quizzes online (the problem with this is once you do it you can't get the points ever again). Sign up to be on the Westlaw mailing list (they send you easy opportunities to get more points). Do research 5 times a week and answer all the trivia questions. If you follow these steps you too can get an iPod like me (I'm in the process of trying to accumulate enough points for another iPod).

While we are on the subject of Westlaw points, I'll give you a brief overview of Lexis points. The big advantage of Lexis is you can earn points 7 days a week (as opposed to Westlaw which is only 5 days a week). However, at our school it seems to be really hard to earn points. For Lexis, once again get on the mailing list; it will send you easy ways to earn points. Also on Lexis similar to Westlaw, do online classes (unlike Westlaw you can do 6 of these a semester to earn points) and once again attend seminars to get more points.

If Only...

If only I had someone in my life who had inspired this sort of activity... I could have avoided law school completely.

Half hour til my interview. Im focused.

Advice: Day 1

“Is it hard to get into law school?”

Well, we’re all here. And if that doesn’t say it, then perhaps this will:

We have a variety of backgrounds, undergrad GPAs ranging from 2.8 to 3.9, LSAT scores ranging from the 140s to the 160s, and ages…well, there is a 12-year gap from our youngest blogger to our oldest.

Not all of us got into law school on our first try, and not all of us got into our first choice schools. Not all of us were even sure that law school was what we wanted to do. Some of us wrote our personal statements about how we wanted to do good and serve justice by becoming lawyers, while others of us mentioned that we were in it for the money (which, as we can tell you now, is one of the worst reasons to go to law school).

The point is, as long as you are truly passionate about going to law school, you take the LSAT until you get a reasonable score (which for some schools could be in the high 130s…it really depends how much weight the school gives the LSAT), you are realistic about the schools you are applying to, and you communicate how excited or interested or how much you want it in your personal statement, you can get in. Maybe not on the first or second or even third try. But eventually. And once you’re in, anyone can do the work – as long as they are willing to put in the time (although there is not as much correlation between the time you spend and the grades you get as you’d think…but you learn to deal with that).

So, as long as you are persistent and want it bad enough, then it's possible to get into law school. And if you get a 170 or higher on your LSAT then it doesn’t matter how bad you want it, because any school will let you in.

The LawBitches say: just get a high score on the LSAT.

Advice Brought to You by the LawBitches

In honor of National Blog Posting Month (no, I’m not making this up), the LawBitches are bringing you a 30-day series during the month of November on advice about law school.

How did we come up with specific topics for our advice? Well, we'd like to thank you, lovely readers, for all of the searches that have led to our blog in the last few weeks. There have been some interesting queries that have led here so stay tuned for interesting advice (in the typical LawBitch fashion, of course). So stay tuned!


Butterflyfish apparently tagged the LawBitches to do this last Thursday. I think I noticed it, then promptly forgot. And since I am in a class that I wish I had a bottle of vodka in, I’ll answer these pressing questions.

PS to Mrs. Butterflyfish – don’t worry about OCI, none of us got jobs through OCI, and we all got jobs after our second year for the summer. Do not despair, some lawyer out there will want to hire you to make you their bitch, that’s a promise.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Weiner King – He’s a 2L we’ve discussed before, and apparently the man has a spectacular sense of humor about our commentary about him. So while I’m not going to stop calling him Weiner King because it is a great name, he has definitely earned the honor of being a LawBitch-approved 2L.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Meeting with Calculating Bitch and Lance Ito to discuss a class. Also, whining about being there at 0800.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Trying to learn to how to sleep with my eyes open. No dice. Proceeded to wonder if the prof would notice if I started stabbing myself with a pencil to feel something, anything.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Got a job (after much searching), finished 1L year (hallelujah), was in a wedding (Christ almighty what an experience), and about the end of 2006, figured out I didn’t have to read for class.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? “When do I get my whiskey?”
6. How many beverages did you have today? One extra large coffee thanks to Calculating who apparently wanted me to productive in our meeting this morning so she bought me one. Then a diet coke. And what I wouldn’t do for a vodka-soda right now….there’s very little I wouldn’t do.
7. What color is your hairbrush? I have many hairbrushes because I am vain.
8. What was the last thing you paid for? Wine. What?
9. Where were you last night? “Role-playing” with Swinging Kennedy, and not the exciting kind of role-playing dammit.
10. What color is your front door? WTF kind of question is that? I dunno, white? If I could I’d paint “go away” on it if that is a better answer.
11. Where do you keep your change? There’s a ton in the bottom of my school bag, because I just throw it anywhere. I hate carrying change.
12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny! (I should be on a bar patio right now)
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip, and I’m only answering so I don’t overuse “WTF kind of question is that?”
14. What excites you? Graduation!
15. Do you want to cut your hair? No, I have a roundish head, if I cut it I’d fear I would look like an Oompa Loompa. (minus the orange skin, tanning is gross)
16. Are you over the age of 25? Nope.
17. Do you talk a lot? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Well, this show has been off the air for like 2 years or something, so this is also a stupid question.
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? I had an ex named Steve, is that close enough?
20. Do you make up your own words? Yes, but generally I am more likely to screw up phrases i.e. “close but no tomato”
21. Are you a jealous person? No. I am awesome.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: Ashley (I love names that are so common they can still be anonymous)
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: K-Fed (we’re not friends, but he and I could have a total bitch-fest about Brit-Brit.)
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Sandra Gay. I think. Maybe. I never check my phone.
25. What does the last text message you received say? “What up ho-bag” from my sister. So you see, the snarkiness is apparently genetic.
26. Do you chew on your straw? No, chewing on the straw makes the opening narrower, therefore takes longer to drink the alcohol.
27. Do you have curly hair? Yes, but few know that, it gets straight really easy. As I said, awesome.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Home. “Bones” has the lead character in a Wonder Woman costume the whole time, and y’all know I need to see that.
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? No one rude really. Annoying? Well, that’s too many to go through. My husband’s family make up like ¾ of that.
30. What was the last thing you ate? Awesome free lunch provided by a large firm. That’s really all they’re good for.
31. Will you get married in the future? Depends on if my husband continues to refuse to get me a puppy. Then maybe.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? “Michael Clayton” – totally a law nerd movie but a spectacular movie too. I’m convinced the corporate counsel woman in that movie is Calculating.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? Good God these questions are boring me.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Seriously? This is the best kind of questions the authors could come up with?
35. Are you currently depressed? ……….sigh……..this questionnaire is depressing me because it’s making it hard for me to be entertained and so I am actually considering listening to the current discussion in class. I mean really.
36. Did you cry today? No, but I did do the stomp the foot and pout when someone compared me to Lucy from Charlie Brown, as if it was a bad thing.
37. Why did you answer and post this? 1) We were “tagged” 2) I was bored
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey: Yeah. right.

The Work Conference

Well... That was certainly fun. Over the weekend, John Roberts and I went up to the woods with 500+ attorneys from our office for a weekend "conference." I put "conference" in quotes, because it was mostly a lot of drinking and sexual harassment (mostly on my part to John Roberts) with a little side of destruction of property.

The award for best story from the weekend goes to John Roberts: After drinking for about 12 hours straight, John, the other clerks and I cram into cars with our designated drivers to go search for some fast food. It was like the clown car from hell. We made our stop, piled back in the car, and got back to our hotel. Everybody fell out of the car, and made our way back to our respective rooms. After about 10 minutes, I realized that John Roberts wasn't in our room. He's quite the player, so I figured he had found another conference attendee to wrap him in rubber and spank him furiously. Feeling a little jealous, I went back to bed.

Turns out, John Roberts had never gotten out of the car. Nice.

One of the "designated drivers" finally realized that Roberts hadn't left his car, and went back down to go and get him. Roberts, laying very drunkenly in the car seat, could not be moved. Finally he awoke, emitting a long trail of saliva down his shirt, and his buddy was able to at least get him into the hotel. Into the room was another story. After Roberts tried to enter our co-workers room, the co-worker pointed at someone else's room and said, "No, Roberts, that's your room over there." The co-worker of course knew that it wasn't.

So then Roberts spends the next 15 minutes trying to key into one of our OTHER co-workers rooms, waking her up in a rather creepy fashion. She finally escorted him back to our room, where he slept merrily through the next days seminars.

I don't know what is my favorite part of the story: the vision of Roberts trying to key into somebody random's room for 15 minutes or the idea that we could have left him in the car without even noticing. Good times. I love work conferences.

This Can't Be the First Time, Can It?

A 3L at Indiana University of School of Law was charged with criminal recklessness after shooting his real estate casebook. I'm guessing he's not the first to do it, but maybe just the first to get caught?

Then again, how many law students have AK-47s in their apartments?

So the real pressing question is, obviously, which casebook would you shoot first? I'm not going lie, for me it's a tie between PR and Evidence. I wonder if I could get both in one shot...

Little Known Niches

I got a CLE announcement from the ABA today titled "How Using a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Can Strengthen Your Core Divorce Practice."

My initial thoughts:
  • What does it say about our society that divorce has become such a growing market that experts such as Certified Divorce Financial Analysts exist?
  • Damn, I wonder how much money they make? And are they hiring?

I Used to Live in San Diego

After this last week I'm no longer asking myself, "Now why did I leave 75-degree-and-sunny-every-day California for this godforsaken tundra that I live in now?"

That's my old apartment building. During the 2003 fires we thought we'd have to evacuate so we packed up our cars with the "important" stuff (pictures, files, the minibar, and, of course, my beloved calculator) and then slept in shifts that night, watching the news and waiting for the announcement. The next day the winds shifted and the fires moved in the opposite direction. We were lucky, but many weren't -- and a lot of people died those few days.

Some of you may wonder, "Well how could someone die in a wildfire like that? I mean, don't you see them coming from a mile away?" It is amazing at how fast they move. I was on my way to work when suddenly the fire came roaring down one hill and crossed 10-lanes of freeway and went roaring up another hill about a mile in front of me -- and all in the span of under a minute.

People get caught unaware and the end result is sad. At least this time around the city was smarter about notifying people -- they used a reverse-911 call. I'm sure that saved a lot of lives.

Anyway, the next time it snows here, I promise I won't complain. Dealing with falling snow is much better then dealing with falling ash.

To all of the people out there that were left homeless by this round of fires, I feel for you. If you want to migrate to somewhere considerably colder, I've got a couple of empty bedrooms.

I got nothin' people.

It’s time for a LawBitch confession people. We are boring. Not so much that we are boring people generally (we seem to at least be able to entertain each other) but other than that, we are boring. I spent a good half hour this morning trying to think of something to write about for a post. But alas, Nothing is happening!

To give you an idea of how boring our lives are at the moment, yesterday the most exciting thing to happen to me was a discussion of an evening of Taco Bell and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck wine. (Which, say what you will is pretty damned exciting). Swinging Kennedy got uber-excited after finding out during our Corporations class that a certain porn-quality website name is not registered, and that he could make millions off creepy pervs. (Can’t give you the name, he’d kill me.) I really haven’t ever seen him that excited in that class, and if the prof looked at him, she would have thought he was really excited about Shareholders - at least that’s what I think we were talking about. And if you’re wondering if he did actually do searches for various phrases like “angrily masturbate” and “spank my monkey” while in class, why yes, yes he did. It’s why I love him so. Calculating Bitch just runs around yelling at 2Ls all day, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds because they just go on their merry way and don’t really get it. I’ll Play Anita just yells at us a lot to stop emailing each other 50 times a day (This is the fault of Sandra Gay and I - we have an absolutely awful, mind-numbing, please someone walk into this class and stab us both in the face so we can at least feel something, class) - so its how we entertain ourselves, got any better suggestions? I haven’t seen Reasonable Peep in ages. Oh, and John Roberts is the only one doing anything of value, working for clinic this semester and helping the less fortunate. Blah. Blah.

So if you’re wondering why the posts aren’t coming much lately, it’s because we have nothing. Being a 3L sucks. It’s boring, you already know you don’t really have to pay attention in class, and it’s all the same old shit anyway. So the only form of entertainment is porn searches during class, oh and the Facebook Pirates game. Except Swinging Kennedy won’t stop bombing me - the fucker. I'm going to try to not complain about things being boring though, the last time I whined about how bored I was, a 2L hit my car, and we'll just leave that story at that and let you surmise how that went. Needless to say, maybe boring isn't so bad. At least I don't look like this.
I know that was mean, but holy shit that creeps me out. And was about a day's worth of conversation among the LawBitches, so Happy Halloween!

Credit Where it is Due

I truly have to thank John Roberts for his help yesterday. John is too busy to attend class today, as wrapping himself in rubber and donning multiple wetsuits after inserting a "foreign object" into his anus has occupied his time. So my thanks will have to be shared publicly.

John, the knower of all things Mac (and "foreign objects"), found me a computer program that can play even the most problematic of my porn videos. Through internet virus or otherwise, the separate hard drive I store my porn on has slowly been causing "viewing problems." Thanks John. Your assistance will keep me happy for a long time. (longer than the "assistance" you normally lend)

For those of you who have missed me, I have been super busy lately. Hating law school takes a lot of energy. And I am angrily masturbating a lot to get past it. Hence the porn necessity. I have also been applying for a lot of jobs. Generally, I try not to combine the two activities. But, alas, we all have our failings.

To All of the People That Think They Want to Go to Law School Out There

If you're sure you want to go law school and there is no way that the LawBitches are gong to be able to talk you out of it, then I'd guess at least we'd recommend not going to law school in Maine. Apparently law students there aren't too happy.

There. We've done our public service announcement for the week.

We've Failed Our Job as 3Ls

From: Sandra
To: Roberts, Calculating, Lance, Larceny

Subject: 1Ls are dicks.

They have gotten together in groups and taken every fucking study room in the library to study together for the LEGAL WRITING MIDTERM.

We haven’t raised them right. This reflects poorly on us.

From: Roberts
To: Sandra
Cc: Calculating, Lance, Larceny
Subject: Re: 1Ls are dicks.

Actually, I think they have done us a favor. If they are this nuts at midterms, I'm sure they will have tents in the library for finals which leaves us no choice but to study at a bar, where, I have it on good authority, they sell booze. Such an opportunity also lets us get back to our study group roots, namely, getting drunk at Larceny’s while making hypos about Sandra selling crack and ass to middle schoolers.

From: Larceny
To: Roberts, Sandra
Cc: Calculating, Lance
Subject: RE: 1Ls are dicks.

Now that sounds AWESOME. Those crack hypos made me understand much better, and also laugh in the middle of an exam.

That being said, those little fuckers are crazy.

Any University of Miami School of Law People Out there?

(Hat tip goes to

Anybody go to "Da U" and know who this guy is? He reminds me of 2Ls I know here. Check out the link above and make funny comments if you must. BTW, this is why I watch "The People's Court." Nothing beats a cold hearted "benchslap." ("benchslap" should be a registered TM of

Brain Cramper

Is the woman spinning clockwise or counterclockwise?

According to this article, the way you see it spin tells you which side of your brain is dominant. If you try to engage the opposite side of your brain while not looking at the picture, you can make her switch directions.

I initially saw her spinning counter-clockwise, but was able to make her spin clockwise. How about you?

Not a valid form of birth control

Every time my corporations professor mentions partners prematurely withdrawing I can't help but snicker.

Law school wouldn't be nearly as much fun if I weren't twelve.

Security Breach

It happened when I was sitting at my desk this morning, reveling in the fact that for the first time in three weeks I didn't have to go to trial, and I was finally trying to attack the mass of papers that have accumulated. I was the only person in the office so far (or so I thought), so I had a little bit of Madonna playing (shut it Bitches!). All of a sudden I heard some movement from behind one of the other desks.

I didn't think much of it, just that maintenance had gotten in early or something. I heard someone talking, so I figured there were probably two of them changing lightbulbs or figuring out why it can NEVER be a comfortable temperature in the room. I just turned down the Madonna (seriously! Shut it!) and got back to answering the billion emails I had ignored over the past couple weeks.

Then I heard, "Mmm... Granola Bar."

That peaked my interest, so I got up and walked around the corner of the cubicle and came to find a homeless-looking guy rifling through one of my coworker's desks.

When I asked him politely to leave, he mentioned the couch we have in a side office that we use for napping (hey, we're government employees). "Mind if I crash here for a little while?" Ummm... yes, actually.

On his way out though, he was at least nice enough to say, "Oh, and thanks for breakfast."

He and I could get along.

Best Blowjob Ever

Where Were You...

...12 years ago today?

I was in my high school cafeteria eating a tuna sandwhich on stale bread when the verdict was read. There was a moment of silence, followed mostly by outrage -- and then a few cheers.

I never would have guessed that it was something I would still recall 12 years later.

And no, that is not why I decided to become a lawyer. But I think it may have been Johnnie Cochran's performance that led Lance here.

I'm Not Saying...

But I am wondering...does this indicate something about the practice of law in Montana?

More From Our Esteemed Career Services...

From: Calculating Bitch
To: The LawBitches

This is on career services’ site. Seriously. I took the liberty of highlighting some of the more relevant parts...

Employer: Mall
Division: Security Department
Title: Security Officer / Full-Time

*High School diploma or equivalent required, post-secondary education preferred.
*Must have good customer relation skills.
*Ability to remain calm and effective in stressful situations; ability to accept direction.
*Ability to work variable and/or rotating shifts, which includes nights, weekends and holidays.
*Must possess a valid driver's license. Must be at least 18 years of age.
*Working knowledge of state and federal criminal justice statues and law enforcement procedures preferred.
*Must be able to meet physical demand of the position including: frequent and sustained walking, occasional running, bending, stooping, squatting, twisting, crawling and frequent and extensive use of hands and arms.
*Ability to communicate effectively over the radio required.
*Training in first aid, CPR, and related public safety skills preferred.
*Three months of on-the-job experience as a security officer preferred.

*You will be required to submit to drug and alcohol testing as a condition of employment in the Security Department.
*You will be required to successfully complete an in-house 240-hour training program consisting of a combination of rigorous physical training and skills training.
*You must maintain an adequate level of physical fitness to perform duties of position effectively (i.e. timely and effective response to emergency situations).
*A degree is not required, however prior experience in a related field is preferred.

Position Type: Full-time Permanent (Post-Graduate)

Practice Area(s): Administrative Law, Civil Rights, Communications Law, Constitutional Law, Criminal- Defense, Criminal- Prosecution, Employment, Government, Human Rights

Salary Range: $11-15

From: Anita


Why do they even get paid?

From: Roberts

Actually I'm really happy they posted this job because I know there is at least one job I can apply to and maybe even get for after graduation.

From: Lance Ito

Well it is a job even the person who finishes last in our class is qualified to do...

From: Sandra Gay

So is a posting for “Professional Moustache Rider!” I know they would say that at least the other one is somewhat related to the law, but honestly, if I created a job posting which said “KINKYCO, INC seeks ‘law enforcement officer’ to punish naughty, naughty boys” I bet they’d post that shit.

Quote of the Day Courtesy of Lance Ito

So Lance Ito and I are sitting in the library (like good law students). Mostly we are discussing the kick-ass LawBitch happy hour that is going on tonight (what? It's Oktoberfest!) I pull out my paycheck that I got today from The Firm and started whining about how now that I'm not working full time, the paycheck's are depressing. And then I started bitching about the taxes. And then I said "OASDI tax? What the fuck is that??"

Lance Ito: "I think it's a safety thing."

Me: "No, that's OSHA." (And then I start laughing hysterically.)

His response? "Hey, I'm not going into tax or social security law. Fuck."

And then we discovered that OASDI is the Old Age, Survivor's, and Disability Insurance Tax. Yeah. I said it was bullshit they got the biggest chunk of my paycheck. And Lance Ito said "Fuck the old people, I don't care what they had to eat on the island during 'Nam, they don't get my money."

But Lance Ito, what about their safety?

Gotta Love Your Job, Right?

A 3L relaying the fun parts of the job:

3L #1: "So apparently the defendant called and told the judge yesterday that myself and my co-counsel were at her house doing meth with her over the weekend."

Several other 3Ls, laughing.

3L #1: "This is serious, guys. What do I do?"

3l #2: "Go in for a drug test?"

3L #1: (Sigh.) "All I know is that if I lose any teeth before this next hearing, I'm fucked."

For Fuck's Sake

We just had to interrupt our Corporations class for five minutes so that the professor could instruct us on how to pass around the attendance sheet.

The saddest part is that she couldn't figure it out either so she's changed policy and we can sign it either five minutes before class or after class. If I sign it before class, there is a strong chance I won't be staying. If I sign it afterwards, I'll have to wait in line with the other 70+ people. Hopefully all the 2L gunners (redundant description?) will sign it before class in another fruitless attempt to kiss ass, despite the fact that we have blind grading.

She'll Rue the Day*

To the dumb bitch who was sitting in 36A on the 3:45 pm flight from San Francisco,

Go. Fuck. Yourself.


PS - To top it all off, I saw you down those two mini-bottles of Bombay in the back of the plane. Way to be a complete drunk in front of your kids. Good call. Also, you are really at that age where your kids could easily be mistaken for your grandkids. Good job on doubly screwing them over.

To the LawBitches,

I got the dumb bitch's license plate number, which means I will soon have her name and address. She'll never know where it came from, so start compiling a list of ways in which we will terrorize her.

Yours Truly,

*I've always wanted to use the phrase "rue the day" in a blog post.

The Greatest Client ever!!!11!!!!!11

I think he may have filed most of his cases pro se, but still... May I present to you:

Jonathan Lee Riches. Enjoy.

PS- please don't ever represent somebody like this, I will hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.

Another Difference Between 2Ls and 3Ls

Today I printed off a rather long document. As I walked up to the printer to claim my print there was a 2L standing there starting to freak out. She grabbed my document off of the printer and said, "Omigod. This is already 20 pages. What is this like a freaking novel?"

"Yes, actually, it is," I said, grabbing the first 30 pages off of the printer. (Rather then pay for a law-related novel I have to read for a class, I downloaded the e-book and printed it off. I can assure you, much cheaper [read: free] this way.)

The 2L then proceeded to wig out.

"You can't print this many pages out! I have a paper that is due for class in three minutes!" She wailed.

"Well, I printed first and I am not canceling my print now." Then, just to egg her on, I added, "Why are you waiting until three minutes before class starts to print your paper anyway?"

She just kind of looked at me blankly, and then whined, "I don't have the time to wait for this." At that point my novel had only printed 40 out of the 90 pages so I took pity on her. I showed her how to map to another printer nearby and reprint her paper. She ran off, retrieved it ,and then went flying out of the library to class.

As this is all happening, a 3L walks up to the printer and stands by it, waiting. I walked over and said, "You waiting for a paper? Sorry, but it is still going to be a few minutes with my printing."

"Oh, I don't care if I'm late to class." The 3L then proceeded to wait for the next four minutes while the novel finished printing. Then she calmly grabbed her pages, stapled them, and meandered off to the same class the 2L had already dashed off to.

Ahhhh, it's great to be a 3L and not care. It's even more fun to be a 3L and antagonize the 2Ls that still do care.

Attention 2Ls

I know you guys don't know your ass from a hole in the ground, so here's another friendly tip from me to you.1

When after five minutes of discussion, the professor definitively states the answer and wants to move on, that means you should let the discussion move on, not continue to employ your same stupid losing argument. The professor wasn't swayed the first time, s/he isn't going to be swayed the second time just because you managed to work in some bullshit you learned in Contracts your first year.

1Your ass is the one the professors keep sticking their dicks into

Why is it Always the Douche Bags with their Mouths Open?

I had a class this week in which one of the students made sure to point out to the rest of us that he is "here on scholarship."

Here's the thing: Shut the hell up!

Our law school is one in which perhaps 4 out of 5 students have received at least some sort of modest-to-high-end scholarship to attend. And, knowing the student who pointed out his scholarship, Im willing to bet 4 out of 5 recipients get more than this guy.

There are two responses to the "I'm on scholarship" line that we sometimes here:

1) Fuck you. I'm paying through the fucking ass to sit here, and the last thing I want to hear is about how you aren't.

2) Mines bigger than yours. In my extensive time in higher ed, I've learned that scholarships are like penis size: the more someone is bragging about it, the smaller it probably is. It is infuriating to hear someone brag immodestly (thats in contrast to "bragging modestly") about something that you know they probably shouldn't be bragging about. But the rest of us are just too sage/wise/tactful to smack down the braggart by informing the individual that, "really you're not that special."

And for those of you who think we've been dissing on 2Ls disproportionately lately (shut up in class already!), this was a 3L who hadn't yet learned his lesson.

A video of a monkey drinking his own pee

Roll Call

I be ethical. That's all I'm going to say about that. For those of you who don't know, the MPRE scores came out today. It determines how good you will be at being a shady attorney. I'm going to be pretty good, but Calculating is going to be even more shady. I'm so proud.

This is never going to work...

So I decided to do a little chicken-hawking and ask one of the 1Ls if he would like to join me for a "networking opportunity" on Friday. I mean, they're so cute, like little bunnies, can you blame me? (you just want to hold them to your chest and squeeze them with love until they breathe no more... um. ah. nevermind.)

Well, the 1L turned me down, which is fine, but he did it for a reason I find absolutely otherworldly: he's going to be staying in to get caught up on the reading for the following week. On Friday. Friday night. Um. What?

I think I just realized why dating a 1L isn't such a good idea.

They still read.

To the 1L that cut me off.....

You need to calm the fuck down. Look, I realize that you, at the last minute, realized that you were about to miss the parking ramp at school and apparently, turning right in front of me was a really good idea to you. Let me illustrate your maneuver (with special thanks to John Roberts for the artwork, this would have taken me YEARS, also this kept us busy in Corporations):

Purple block thing: School ramp
Cute little red girl car: Me
Black SUV: Little shithead

Maybe you just couldn’t see me in my little cute car because you were driving the world’s largest fucking SUV (sidenote: do you really need that thing to go to fucking school?), but turning in front of me from the outside lane, was not cool. My little car has enough problems without you taking its entire front end off. My favorite part was when I honked at you angrily and you just act as if you have no idea that you did anything wrong and keep going. And then proceed to drive very slowly through the parking ramp. Look, it’s 1:10pm, there are no spots on the first floor. Just keep the fuck going, because you’re wasting my time and I already want to beat the crap out of you so don’t make it worse. I was willing to give you some slack since you’re a 1L, and maybe you haven’t figured this out after one week of classes, but to thereafter screech into a handicapped spot on the 3rd floor because you’re in such a hurry and just can't keep going, is unacceptable.

How do I know you’re a 1L you ask? Oh, well that would be for several reasons. First, your driving illustrates that you have no fucking clue how to drive downtown and are probably from Debumfuck, Hickstate and are still confused about traffic lights. (The Jesus Fish and American Flag also helped in this assessment). Second, as soon as you screeched into the handicapped spot, you jumped out (I know this because several spots down was an open spot that I parked in and kept an eye on you to give you the dirty eyeball), you then slammed your door and RAN to class. How does this make you a 1L? Well, it’s about 1:15, and classes start at 1:30. And you are running full speed to a class on the first floor. Third, and finally, when I gave you a dirty look, you didn’t know enough to look scared. If you hadn’t been running away I would have roundhouse kicked you into the wall for almost hitting me, and I can do it. I generally like my car and don’t take a liking to people trying to smash it just so they can get to class early.

Look, I realize that you 1Ls this year are crazy, and are basically foaming at the mouth over Contracts or whatever, but this is just stupid. You don’t get extra points for getting there early. Parking ramps are fairly easy to maneuver, if you can’t figure that out, you are so royally screwed already. Also, if you hit my car, I will totally kick your ass. Also, I will find out who you are and have John Roberts sign you up for various porn sites. And have Calculating Bitch blacklist you (I have no idea what kind of blacklist, but I'm pretty sure she could do something of that nature). And then I will have Swinging Kennedy publicly mock you. What else do us 3Ls have to do?

Overheard in Evidence

"Fucking 2Ls. Maybe we should offer complimentary wetwipes at the end of class so they can remove the brown from their noses."

Labor Day: Reminding You of All That is No More

Ahhh... That was fun.

And now this isn't.

Labor Day is fun because it is a "bury your head in the sand" sort of thing that reminds most of us that at one time we did have a life, got to play outside, had friendships and relationships outside of school, and had free time to hang around and not feel like you had a ton of shit to do. We drink, not out of need or social anxiety, but because its fun.

But, as with many "bury your head in the sand" activities, Labor Day is truly only a cruel taunt, which actually increases the sand pile you are buried in, setting upon you an endless task list to which you WILL comply. And all that fun stuff over the weekend? Well, fall break will be coming up soon. You can make it till then. Right?

Back to drinking out of necessity.

Tips for the 2Ls

Case briefs
Stop writing them. Yes, these were a nice security blanket last year, but you shouldn't be doing them your 2L year. Besides making you look like the 5 year old who still breast feeds, they are going to sink you. At this point in your "legal career" you need to be able to pull the important stuff out of a case without doing a book report. The volume of reading your second year is much higher than last year and you simply are not going to be able to keep up if you don't learn to skim and highlight. Plus, if you don't kick this habit, you're going to look like a fucking tool at your job this summer.

I can't believe you people didn't learn this lesson last year. Too many paint chips as a lil' tyke? When a professor appoints a panel of students to be on call for the day, that means not only do you not have to volunteer, but you shouldn't even be reading! As I said before, the only way to keep up with all your reading is to (a) be crazy, (b) abuse stimulants, or (c) a combination of (a) and (b). At most you should skim Emanuel's, but really you should just take some notes in class and then do what you should do for every black letter class: cram at the end. This shit really isn't so complicated that you have to kill yourself for three months to learn it, otherwise no one would pass the fucking bar exam.

Besides, you're 2Ls: you need that lecture time to work on something more important like running your student organizations (you think us lazy 3Ls are going to do it?) and look for jobs (if you don't have your entire career planned by now, you've failed at being a human being; we suggest drinking bleach)

Speaking of answering questions, when you mention that you were employed last summer in your class answers, you look like a douche bag. When you name drop your employer in your answers, you are a douche bag. Knock this shit off. You aren't special because you brought some partner coffee in the morning and then cupped his balls while the first year associates felated him.

No one cares about your deeply held feelings on agency law, stops and frisks, or any other topic. Unless you attend a Top 10 school, you're never going to be a law professor, so shut up. I know that warm, musky space between professors' ass cheeks is your natural habitat, but the class is blind graded; you're not doing yourself any favors by kissing up, you're just pissing off your classmates (see above: Answers)

"If the 2Ls in this class fuck up the curve, I'm gonna stab somebody"*

[*Yes, this was actually said by one of the LawBitches (rather loudly) when walking into one of our required classes...]

Ah, the 2Ls. Even though we are only four days in they have provided amusement to no end. It kills us as we sit in class behind all of them, listening to them discussing the reading (fifteen minutes before class starts), and staring at their 5 pages of typed book notes on their laptop screens (again, prior to the first class). Don't you know that you are no longer 1Ls? Knock it off!

I certainly hope we were never like that last year. What is wrong with the class of 2009?

The first day of school…

Calculating: I think there are so many gunners in this class that the odds of getting called on are virtually zero

Giggles: yeah

Giggles: i vote the girl in the third row from the front, middle far right side tries first

Giggles: she's my middle square

2 minutes later

Giggles: i can cross off my middle square

Calculating: lol. That didn't take long

Calculating: why is she the free square?

Giggles: because the easiest one is always the middle

23 minutes later

Giggles: ok... annoying. stop trying to be funny

Calculating: no kidding

Giggles: man... i really just need to line those people all up on the board and I would have a bingo almost already

Giggles: screw filling in the rest of the board

Calculating: fantasy gunner is better then bingo because you go the entire semester and you get to draft your players

Giggles: yeah. but how do you draft people you don’t know the names of — like all of the 2Ls?

Calculating: well, sneak a peek at the seating chart

Giggles: ask for a copy

Giggles: in order to get to know our 2L better

Calculating: yeah, question is are there more 2L or 3L gunners in this class?

Calculating: do you realize the only 3Ls in the first five rows of the class are on law review?

Giggles: oh sad

Giggles: there just aren't that many 3ls in here

The second day of school…

Larceny: These little 2Ls are funny. They snipe at each other.

Larceny: One girl kept saying the wrong name. And Lance and I noticed it and were like whatever

Larceny: And then someone raised their hand and was like "she is saying the WRONG name"

Larceny: And emphasized it and she said, "I'm sorry, I understood that it was this way" kinda cranky-like

Calculating: who is it?

Larceny: Yeah, cause I would know that. The chick has [insert description that is too close for the comfort of the semi-anonymity of this blog here]

Calculating: omigod I think that might be the same one that was driving nuts in my class too.

Larceny: She's kinda dumb

Larceny: Says things without reading/thinking at first

Calculating: yeah, she was trying way too hard to be funny in class today...

Larceny: the prof keeps asking her questions and she's pretty confused

Larceny: For such go-getters, they're not THAT smart

Larceny: My favorite part is that Lance and I knew that she made the mistake like a half hour ago, but decided that IM and the internet were more important

The third day of school…

Roberts: its great having 2Ls in class though

Roberts: they are all trying so hard

Roberts: and Larceny and i are picking nicknames for them

Calculating: you need to get a student directory from last year and cross out their real names, so I can figure out who you are talking about

Roberts: lol

Calculating: ask Larceny if the gunner from crim pro is in corps too

Roberts: so far there is k-fed, Captain Scribe, and the Weiner King and his Court

Calculating: ?

Roberts: k-fed looks like he should have been in an adult GED class

Roberts: Larceny really hates the weiner king

Roberts: i think he is hilarious

Calculating: lol. I kind of want to know who these people are but maybe it's best if I don

Roberts: The weiner king really is the king of all weiners. his voice, his slang, his mannerisms, his face.

Roberts: i bet he is awesome at chess

Roberts: Captain Scribe did casebriefs for the reading!!!!

Larceny: I told Roberts that the weiner king was kind of creepy and douchey

Larceny: "Like a frat boy that will corner you in a hallway and try to make you drink in the hopes that finally some girl will let him touch her boobies"

Calculating: oh, god, I know who it is — he is a bit outspoken as well

Larceny: "Outspoken" is not the word I would have used for him

Larceny: I like douche-y better

Larceny: I think it may be the combo of the suit + memorized restatement = douchey

Calculating: lol

Larceny: "When I was working at blah blah blah this summer...."

Calculating: the 2Ls are doing that already?

Calculating: I thought that was reserved for pretentious 3Ls

Larceny: Nope, apparently not

Message From Sandra Gay

Ahhhhh…. Yes…

I would expect most of you readers to be shitting solid gold bricks right now. You’re probably thinking “Hey- when the hell did Sandra Gay decide to come back?” “Wasn’t her last post during her 1L year?” Yes friends, it was. But I am back today because it has been brought to my attention that an intervention is required, and I am the right person for the job for reasons that will become obvious shortly.

During the life of this blog we have posted some pretty graphic, and at times (well, most of the time) sophomoric crap. Mostly, it’s not really worth any real intelligent person’s use of his or her time. Occasionally, we too have been surprised by something we read on some blog we are linked to. (Let us all have a moment of silence as we recall the day we discovered that Jurishprudensh had become some crazy horse porn site.) With all that said, today we have been moved to action as a result of some stupid ass comments that are being posted on our blog.

Yes, Winai, I am talking to you. Please read this carefully. (The rest of you can read too. When you hear the chimes, turn the page.)

Winai, we admit that we are immature and, as was stated previously, sophomoric. Many of us think we are funny, and that is usually a result of too much coffee, and a severe lack of sleep. You have been posting comments such as “"if i buy you the Law Bitch Classic Thong will you sport it? " and “He will be my lawn mowing buddy from now on (in reference to Alberto Gonzales,)"and finally, “Okay you lawBITCHES, i come here and never get a question answered by any of you, so i demand answers now! 1. what did you bitches major as an undergrad? 2. is it true the female law students are sexually active?"

Demand this you f*c%ing creepy dude:

In response to your first question, In undergrad we all majored in different subjects. We have a wide background from some crazy science shit that I don’t understand, to some equally crazy computer shit that I don’t understand, to your run of the mill English major. The one thing we all managed to “major in” was not being creepy assholes. You, on the other hand, need to vary your curriculum from French (yes, we read your blog to try to figure out what kind of fucker you are) to “How not to be a creepy dude.”

In response to your second, (and this is where the tough love comes in), sexually activity is not something that we, as a collective group, feel you are ready to discuss. Winai, you’re creepy. We all feel that you are headed in some pretty dangerous directions. Mostly, we think there could be a nasty, and messy, congressional page scandal in your future. Equally probable is a bit of an embarrassing debut on Dateline NBC. All of this can be avoided though by your attention to the little tidbit I am going to share with you. Are you ready?

Winai, you are obviously a homosexual.

I know, I know, “I am not! I love bangin’ chicks!” Sure Winai- that’s what they all say. Your overzealous attempts at sounding straight (pointing out that you are disappointed that your French professor is a “Bangali-looking homosexual” and adding that this “sucks the fun out of the French class. I remember when i was in High School i had a hot French teacher. She made going to classes fun. Then in college i placed out of French 101 and took 102 with a swiss-looking professor. My point is if i'm gonna be learning French i want to learn it from a female…” ), your tired comments aimed at the degradation of women (see above), and your inability to talk about much else leads me to this conclusion. The sooner you embrace this fact and learn to deal, the sooner you will chill the fu%k out and become a most likeable dude. I know for a fact (and I am not the only “Bangali-looking homosexual” in the LawBitches) that you will feel much better, and that is why I am taking my precious time to talk to you.

If you still insist on denial, know this: Even though I don’t sleep with dudes, and yes, I am a “female law student who is sexually active,” if I did, you are the last kind of guy I would sleep with. If you want to get laid (if and when you get to law school with that incredible intellect you’re sporting), I suggest you clean up your act so that women would not, when polled, suggest that they would rather give a hand job to Karl Rove than talk to the likes of you- much less put your dick in their mouths. (This also goes for gay men should you come to terms with yourself. They, in general, find that kind of shit distasteful as well.)

Additionally, save your racist bullshit for someone else’s blog. We have a Hispanic LawBitch. While we reserve the right to pick on her incessantly, your comments about Mexicans piss us off. Stop it.

A word or two about your consideration of law school: You may want to consider learning about punctuation and capitalization. It helps with the law school applications. When you are ready to behave yourself, we will have many more helpful hints for you. We like helping others. We’re do-gooders.

Oh. And one more thing. When you address the LawBitches, you will kindly remember to capitalize “LawBitches.” It’s a sign of respect.

One More Reason to Sell Your Soul

So here's another thing they never tell you in law school: Sell out early.

Now in our Third Years, many of us are starting to hear about other 3Ls who have already been offered jobs upon graduation at the various places they clerked over the summer. In fact, several of your Bitches have been offered jobs, and we heartily congratulate them, even though the rest of us hate them a little for it.

For those of us who are going more towards public interest jobs, government jobs, the "I want to assuage my guilt for being white" "do good for the world cause I have a small penis" jobs, turns out we get kinda screwed.

In addition to taking a rather significant pay cut, which we all knew going in, as it turns out we will also be the last to find jobs: the places we clerked, if hiring at all, won't be making decisions until late April. Until then, we get to apply to other jobs that won't make a decision until then either. With each job application, I realize how much I am standing at the bar at the end of the night just hoping to be drunk enough to not notice that the guy I am going home with looks like a bloodied Shihtzu. Fun times, to be sure.

Is it time to bend over, take it up the ass and just find a corporate job I'll hate like a two-dollar hooker knowing that this is better than going without crack?

Not quite yet, but I am starting to lube up.

A New Record

It's only just past lunch time on the first day of the semester, and I already wish I was dead.

Formal Invitation #2

Umm... Given the invitation to Karl Rove earlier this month upon his retirement, I suppose an invitation must also begrudgingly be given to this man.

Just please don't try to fire any of us...

Goals for Our 3L Year

Following with the good practice of goal setting (and since we will surely have to do it as we crossover into the full-time working world) and with the tradition of last year it is time to make note of the LawBitches' ambitions for our third and final year of law school:
  • We are 3Ls. Creating a list of goals here would be counter to our one and only mission this year: to do as little as possible and still graduate.
Which, I guess, means that we won't be intentionally trying to terrify the 1Ls, or convince a 2L to serve as our law clerk. That's not to say that we probably will still max out our absences, embark on drinking binges and still complain about life.

Here's to 257 days before graduation! (And yes, I do have it as a countdown clock on my Google Desktop tool).

A Bitch to Be Proud Of

A Moment of Silence Ya'll...

I know, it happened on Monday, but we really need to take a moment to reflect on one of our heroes. I know that Larceny and Calculating have shed a few tears over the passing of one of their greatest inspirations, Leona Helmsley. (Sandra Gay just liked her make up).

To the woman that we all aspire to be (especially John Roberts... well, he just aspires to be a woman...), we bid you a fond farewell. May we be the biggest bitches we can be in your memory.

Now and Then (Also a great Christina Ricci movie)

The LawBitches start back to school on Monday. Can you sense my excitement? Unfortunately, as our last year, it’s the last time we can have a flexible schedule and get to use work as an excuse to get out of school functions and school stuff to get out of work. It’s the last time I can legitimately take countless days off with no questions asked for no reason at all. I went to our school today to run some before school errands, and as I watched all the 1Ls going through their orientation, I realized the difference 2 years make, and how different my preparation (or lack thereof) for this year is from my 1L Year. To illustrate, here is a rundown of what I was doing at this time two years ago, and what I am doing now.

1L Year: Had already done all of the required readings for the first day of class

Now: Readings?

1L Year: Had purchased (like 3 weeks prior) all the required books (and even some recommended) BRAND NEW

Now: Oh right, books. Crap. First, attempted to see which of the LawBitches already had a book or two (Calculating was good enough to give up her Corporations book, and she only cried a little), then proceed to go online and find cheap used books, and get the cheapest available, regardless of highlighting/torn covers/blah blah who cares just get the damned book. Still can’t find two books, am considering just not reading them.

1L Year: Had the book list and assignments already printed out from my schedule

Now: My book list is on a post it. Somewhere. I actually couldn’t find it when I intended to go to the bookstore today, so I said screw it and assumed I’d figure it out. And when I say book list, I mean some random scratches on paper that would somehow direct me to the right books.

1L Year: Excited and anxious.

Now: Eh.

1L Year: Bought new pencils, pens, highlighters, folders, a portfolio and a date book.

Now: Well, I was at Target yesterday so I got colorful pens. I’m going to use them to write nasty notes to Lance Ito during Criminal Procedure and Swinging Kennedy and John Roberts during Corporations (well, when we’re not at the bar during that class).

1L Year: Set up my (new) laptop with various folders and programs for use at school (AIM and Google Chat were not included).

Now: I have an impressive collection of blog and game links. Oh, and celebrity gossip pages. What?

Other than the fact that this has made me realize just what a f-ing dweeb I was when I started first year, it also makes me wistful whenever I see one of our new 1Ls devotedly reading their first year books with gusto. They’re so cute. Of course, I see them reading and think, “Hey, I wonder when the first LawBitches happy hour of the year will be.”

Good luck 1Ls! (And download AIM immediately).

Bitched Out

Let me just start: "Sandra Gay is a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world." (sung in D-minor).

Now that I have that Cartman moment out of my way, I must inform our dear readers that Sandra Gay bitched out on me yesterday. As she is now practicing "Big Law," I have taken it upon myself to take her out and teach her how to take it like a man on the tennis court. It is, after all, an important legal skill to know how to lose gracefully to your Senior Partners.

But Sandra Gay, afraid of having her proverbial salad tossed on the tennis court, bitched out on me. Something about walking barefoot uphill both ways while it is snowing or some shit like that.

Well, Sandra, whenever you're ready, I'm here. I'll even bring the lube.

Formal Invitation

I know I'm new here, but I just can't let this opportunity pass us by: Karl Rove, I would like to officially invite you to join us here as a LawBitch.

I understand that you are going to have some free time on your hands, and we would love to engage your perspective here. We're snarky, sassy, disrespectful, and certainly have no respect for the law (well, most of us). You should fit in nicely. We understand that you haven't gone to law school, but you also have the unique perspective to understand what douche-bags most people with law degrees are: think about the Justice Department and most of the Judiciary Committee! We open this forum to you to dish on all those legal-eagles who obviously have to respect for this country and the authoritarian model upon which it is based.

Also, we talk about anal sex a lot. I mean, a LOT. Let us know.

Law School Institutes Socialized Health Care

It is indeed that time again. Classes begin in a few short weeks, and the gunners we work with have reminded us that, lest we get force-fucked with our textbooks, we had best buy them early to avoid paying full cost and wiping out our student loans in one fell-swoop.

So with that thought looming on our minds, we also just received a letter from our esteemed and thoughtful institution of learning: starting this year, all students will be required to have health insurance. For those who don’t have health insurance, never fear! The university will coerce you into paying their program. Just one catch: you can only receive services and prescriptions from a specified clinic… IN ANOTHER CITY!!!

Being industrious and not willing to spend almost $900 on an insurance program which I could almost certainly never use, I went online to price check, and found that other options available to me start at about $100 a month. Not gonna happen. I got hookers and meth to pay for.

Let me just say: to my fellow bitches whose clerkships provide them with health insurance because they are busy working for “the man,” when I come down with Tsitsi virus or extreme anal warts, I will be the first to share them with you.

Maybe, then, you can share your medication with me.

One Week Later

At this time last week I was having a bad day. To update:

I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but now I have a full-time offer in hand for after graduation, so I guess I know what I want to do for the next year or two.

I put all of my clothes on properly today.

I got out of jury duty.

Plus, I only have 4 days left of my summer job, and then almost two weeks off before it's back to school.

Really, the only thing I have to complain about right now (shocking, that there is only one thing, isn't it?) is that I'm taking the MPRE on Friday. Hopefully I can learn to be about 59% professionally responsible by then so that I can get a high enough score for the jurisdiction I want to practice in.

To the rest of you sitting for the MPRE in five days, good luck! And if you haven't started studying, check out this site for some help.

It's Going To Be A Long Week

I woke up this morning wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life and if the path I'm on even makes me happy.

When I went to the bathroom at work I discovered that I put my underwear on inside out.

Now I just found out that I've been summoned for jury duty.

I hate Mondays.

Children Under 17 Can Only Read With Adult Supervision

Online Dating

Imagine my surprised when I discovered that the LawBitches blog only comes with an "R" Rating. The crew here at There's No Competition brings you talk about topics like jacking off a silverback gorilla, adversely possessing anuses, S&M at the IRS, how the Romping Rabbit and sex swings need a spot in everyone's home, and giving blow jobs with the aid of Pop Rocks. I mean, come on, we're not exactly known for being appropriate... And all of this just deems us an "R" Rating?

So what is this rating bullshit based on? Well, apparently it's based on the presence of these words: bitch (9x), pissed (3x), hell (2x), ass (1x). So are words like fuck, masterbate, anus, and blowjob not included when ratings are determined? WTF? I mean, I figured having John Roberts alone as a contributor would lend this blog at least an NC-17 rating...

Recent Conversation with CB's Sister

My sister called last week on the day after my mom's birthday. Now, you need to understand that my sister is not like Larceny's sister -- she's graduated in the middle of her high school class, she chose not to go to college, is on like job number 22 (for once I'm not exaggerating) and is living with her boyfriend ("I-swear-he-gave-up-dealing-drugs-because-I-asked-him-to") in one of those Western states.

Sis: Hey, Calculating, so when is mom's birthday?
Me: It was yesterday.
Sis: No! It can't be. It's next week.
Me: Um, pretty sure it has always been the same day -- and that was yesterday.
Sis: (groaning) I'm the worst daughter in the world.
Me: No, you just forgot. But WRITE IT DOWN this time.
Sis: Well, I was having a really bad day yesterday.
Me: What happened?
Sis: They found out that I had a dog in my apartment and I'm getting evicted.
Me: You're getting evicted?
Sis: Well, no. Not anymore. I went and talked to them and am paying a fine. But I'm pissed!
Me: You're not getting evicted -- what could you be pissed about?
Sis: Because they are raising my rent again. It just went up like two months ago.
Me: Well, what did it go up to?
Sis: I still can't believe I missed mom's birthday. (Groaning.) I must be the worst daughter ever. Oh, and my rent? Well, it was $400, and then $425 and now it's $450.
Me: You're pissed because it went up $50? Are you kidding me?
Sis: Well, yeah. It's $450 now!
Me: Sis, my car payment is just a little less then that. How can you complain? And you split that with your boyfriend, don't you?
Sis: Well, yeah... but I'm not as rich as you.
Me: I'M IN LAW SCHOOL. How much money do you think I have?

NOTE TO MY SISTER: Just because I'm going to be a lawyer someday doesn't mean that $120k in student loans magically disappears, that my mortgage pays itself off, and that I have a money vault to swim around in. Yes, maybe one day I'll have a decent 401k and will be able to retire early, but that is a long way off. But on a less depressing note, at least I'm now I'm mom's favorite daughter.

Going to Hell...

So I've been busy working in downtown of Law School City. Downtown is a great place to be in the summer, lots of stuff going on, great restaurants, great bars, and of course all the eye candy that can be seen running around at all hours of the day. I get off of work the other day, and am walking back to my car, while walking home I see a relatively attractive girl on the street from behind, and I think to myself "Nice." For the record, I am married, and therefore engage in the "look but do not touch" policy. Eventually, she stops and waits for the bus. She turns around and faces me, and she is just as cute from the front as she was from behind. However, to my horror I look down to see what she was carrying, it was an "SAT Prep Book." So that puts her at what, 15 or 16 years old? I'm totally going to hell...

My Summer by the Numbers: Calculating will be so proud!

Wow summer is really going by quickly, and I for one, am not happy about it. But, to entertain myself for say, 20 minutes I decided to follow in our grand leader’s footsteps. And for those of you who know my skills with numbers, you can probably guess that the accuracy of my numbers may be off. But they’re close.

Days off I had before I started working full time summer hours: 2 (For Calculating’s End Of Year Party and the day after to sleep it off)

Number of fiction/mystery/suspense novels I have read: 42

Number of books I had on hold waiting for summer before the last day of classes: 10

Number of hours I work a day: 8 ½ - 9 hours

Number of hours that the new law clerk annoys me per day: 8 ½ - 9 hours

Number of times that the new law clerk has worn head to toe denim (yes, this includes a headband, a jumper, keds-style shoes and a matching bag): 2 (neither day was a Friday)

Number of times the new clerk has worn denim capris with pink bows on them, a red velvet jacket and 4-inch stripper heels: More times than I care to think about

Number of times the new clerk has been confused about what the Rules of Evidence are and what a lawyer means by “deposition” or “arbitration” or “voir dire”: At least 8

Number of times that one of our other clerks has referred to this clerk as “Dumbass” with her in the room and her having no idea who he was talking about: 7 or so hilarious moments

Number of times the lawyers at my work go golfing: 5 days a week, about 4 hours a day

Number of lawyers at my office: 20

Number of Mercedes/Audi/BMW: 20

Number of those cars in our office parking lot right now: 0

Days that I have had to do actual intense work: Mmmm…12?

Parties my firm has had since summer started: 4

Parties where alcohol was involved: 4

Times when I think being a lawyer definitely has its advantages: Every day

So the summer is going along pretty famously, considering I’m attempting to enjoy myself in the knowledge that next summer is going to suck ass. Oh, and said clerk’s outfit today? Pink pants, a purple lingerie top (Remember when those were a big thing a few years ago?) and black heels. Sweet.