Four Disbursements Ago...

I have a job lined up this summer working for one of those big accounting firms doing tax law stuff. Being the tax nerd of the group, it's perfect for me. The caveat? The job requires either a CPA or a law degree.

My husband's response: "So, you're telling me that you could have saved $100k in loans, took a $2k prep course and gotten your CPA instead?"

Me: "Um, but a law....." Damn. Why didn't I think of that four financial aid disbursements ago?

Make up your fucking mind

Elsie C. Jordet and Robert Lloyd Wilkinson, Sr., the child's natural father, who was objector below and who brings this appeal, were married in Chicago, Illinois, on November 1, 1945. The child Robert Lloyd Wilkinson, Jr., was born as the issue of this marriage on November 9, 1947. They moved to Rockford, Illinois, in 1948 where they acquired and furnished a home. In March or April 1949, Elsie abandoned her home and child and remained away for approximately two years. During her absence her husband cared for and raised the child until it had reached the age of 2 1/2 years, the abandonment having occurred when the child was nine months old. The father had the aid of Elsie's sister and her mother in caring for the child. During this time Elsie frequently visited the child.

The Wilkinsons were divorced in 1950, the court awarding the custody of the child to the father. He thereafter remarried, but in 1952 he was divorced from his second wife and remarried Elsie. A short time after their second marriage they were again divorced, this time in an uncontested proceeding, Elsie being granted the divorce and custody of the child and Robert, Sr., being granted certain rights of visitation. The second marriage of Robert, Sr., to Elsie was of short duration; they only lived together for about a month. He left her on this occasion and after the divorce he remarried his second wife, who had a child by a prior marriage, which child he later adopted. Robert, Sr., has therefore been married four times, twice to Elsie and twice to his present wife.

Not Sure If I'd Want to Defend Him

An MBA student pulled into the parking garage ahead of me this morning. His license plate, which was in an Arizona State University Alumni license plate holder, read: WHISKY2.

Um, is it just me or is that guy basically screaming to the cops, "Pull me over for a DWI!"?

Scaring Them Before They Even Get Here

During the law school open house, a prospective student was cornered by Professor Jurisprudence (who looks like a senile grandfather) and Professor Constitutional & International Law (who looks like a shell-shocked war veteran).

After being lead into a debate on legal philosophy and war and terrorism, the poor prospective had a rather horrified look on his face. Professor Jurisprudence leaned over and said, in attempt to be comforting:
"You can just call us love and war."

Would that violate the Rules of Professional Conduct?

After a long discussion regarding getting married and purchasing a very expensive engagement ring, Sandra and I each independently came to the same question.

Is putting a ring a somebody's finger the same thing as having "pussy on retainer"?


From a treatise on Loving v. Virginia:
So when white Richard Loving, age seventeen, began courting "colored" Mildred Jeter, age eleven, their budding romance drew little attention from either the white or the black communities.
(Emphasis added)

Who said I need to know anything about advocacy?

7:52 PMme: oh, crap. class participation = 33% of the grade.
I'm so screwed
7:53 PM John: just pretend to be a gunner
raise your hand, spout nonsense, and you're done
just make sure its a complete sentence and doesn't include any swear words
me: that's really tough
no swear words?
John: well yeah
7:54 PM just pretend you are at your sentencing hearing, before Judge [Prof Righteousness], and the charge is child molestation
you have to really get into it
me: "My client did not fuck the child, your honor."
John: see you already screwed it up
me: dammit
I'm no good at talking in class
7:55 PM John: it's "My client did not adversley possess the boy's anus with his penis, your honor"
me: it's a good thing that the only court I'll ever be in is probate court and my client is already dead.

You Have My Sympathies

Roberts and I were catching up via Googletalk during our late classes last night since we have no classes together this semester and have yet to actually run into each other in the halls. After commiserating about how he has a 12 hour class day on Mondays, and I countered with a 13.5 hour Monday -- compounded by the fact that the last three days of this semester follow our Monday class schedules -- and just general bitching about spring break already being swallowed by papers and presentations due the week after, Roberts (in his typical cynical style) says:
"Man, law school is the fucking worst. I think I would rather have cancer. At least then people are sympathetic."

But Tax is Hot...

Only law students or CPAs (or worse -- someone who is both...)

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Mon 1/22/2007 7:58 AM
Subject: Hey Tax Buddies!

For all my tax comrades last semester…

From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 9:17 AM
Subject: RE: Hey Tax Buddies!

Calculating, do you honestly do searches for "crazy tax stuff!" for fun? You do don't you, you can admit it.

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Mon 1/22/2007 9:19 AM
Subject: RE: Hey Tax Buddies!

Believe it or not, no actually. I just logged onto Yahoo! this morning and there was. Although, due every move on the web being tracked, I’m sure that the start up screen was specifically targeted toward me…

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 10:00 AM
Subject: RE: Hey Tax Buddies!

Calculating sometimes does some searches late at night when she is feeling a little randy. That article was the result of a google search with the following inquiry:

"Federal Tax, Kinky, Amish"

First Impressions

You can always tell how well a class is going to go depending on the professor's first words:

Okay, this morning we are going to start with some arts and crafts.”


"How many of you speak Latin?"

Back to the Grind

Five minutes into Professional Responsibility today:

I think this is going to be a class where we are going to have to start chat rooms
Sandra: Agreed.
Sandra: Do we confess our sin now?
Calculating: That’s going to take longer than 26 class session
Sandra: I have a short list to help me
Sandra: I’m going to need more memory on the computer though to download it
Calculating: Should I tell him that I'm hoping to be able to catch up on my internet porn browsing during this class?
Sandra: I will pay you good money to say that
Calculating: that would be a great start to PR
Sandra: Is it a conflict of interest if I watch Jenna Jamison in "Girl on Girl" and then watch her in "Deep Dickin' IV"?

Ten Minutes later…

Sandra: Class notes thus far: "Don't shit where you sleep. Stop fucking clients."
Calculating: Hey, those are the keys to PR, aren't they? You'll get that right on the MPRE

After listening to a five minute discussion about ethics, conflicts of interests and collecting fees from your clients:

Should this class be called: how to cover your ass 101?
Sandra: I think so. Step 1: don’t let clients touch your ass.
Calculating: Step 2: If they do, make sure you charge them for it. No freebies. Step 3: All else fails, keep your mouth shut.
Calculating: Yep, I think that pretty much sums it up.

Our First Birthday!

In honor of the blog turning ONE today enjoy a little cake!

In commemoration of actually lasting one year in the blogosphere, the LawBitches bring you a year of moments, memories and unsolicited words of wisdom.

What is your favorite post from this last year?

Anita: Either "The Lengths We'd Go To" or "To Those Considering Going to Law School": for two reasons...they're short, which means my attention span actually works, and they pretty much sum up this experience.

Calculating: Diary of a 1L and Visual Metaphor for Law School. Although our post about the incoming 1L was the best day of work I had all summer!

John Roberts: I don't have a favorite post. They all suck equally.

Lance: I stand by our Christmas Carol...that is the last time we sing for all our readers. (All two of you)

Larceny: My favorite post so far has been the one that I wrote about my husband's practical joke on me. It entertained me for days to see the huge gender divide on who thought it was funny and who didn't. Unfortunately for me, he still goes "I told you it was funny." That, and it gave him the moniker "AssHusband" which he loves (I'm being sarcastic). Truth be told, he lives in fear of playing another practical joke on me, which is good.

Reasonable Peep: I know this is recent and silly, but the visual metaphor for law school is classic!

Sandra: The one where the video is attached of the kid (the "lawstudent") and the adult (the "law professor") on the amusement park ride. A most brilliant depiction of law school if you ask me. ("It hurts! It hurts!")

Scalito: Tie between dick in a box and the picture of Class & Calculating giving each other a lap dance.

Are there any moments from this last year of law school that should have made the blog but didn’t?

Calculating: I know there are but there are reasons that they have not been posted – one, because no one would get a lot of them besides just us (hence we’re even bigger dorks with the inside law jokes) and two, because they’d totally blow any remaining shreds of anonymity that we might have.

Lance: I should have blogged about my birthday surprise. So a couple of months back I was turning a very monumental birthday (no, not 21). I didn't know what was doing for the day, except my wife told me we were going out to dinner. I'm totally fine with that, being the foodie and wino that I am. However, as we are leaving the law school and headed toward to the parking garage, I turn the corner and most of the law bitches and there significant others are waiting to take me out for my birthday. It was very exciting and I was totally surprised. I realized that the law bitches all really do care (apparently I was moping around all day because I kept asking people to go out for a beer, but everyone was making excuses that they were busy). I then proceeded to drink myself into oblivion on that eventful Thursday night and managed to miss my one and only Tax class of the entire semester(using the Noah's Ark method...2 Guiness, 2 Irish Car Bombs, 2 shots of Jameson, 2 Glasses of Red Wine, and finally 2 Rum and Cokes, then I lost track).

Larceny: Of course, there always are. But many people at school know about the blog and so have to be careful telling stories about specific classmates. But damn law students do some nutty stuff sometimes. And can we talk about the fact that any rooms with no windows are closed after 5pm because they think we'll all be having sex in those rooms. Like you can't have sex before 5pm? And who is having sex at school, I want to shake their hand. All I can get the energy to do at school is whine and grumble.

Sandra: Everyone should know that this group has no shame or knowlege of appropriate conduct. Let's face it: If something isn't posted there already, its because we'd be arrested if it was.

Scalito: More bitching about my ConLaw Prof and maybe a deadpool of 1L's from last year who wouldn't make the graduation cut.

Law School Experience in One Word:

Anita: Unnattural. Because it just isn't.

Calculating: Exhausting.

John Roberts: Fuck

Lance: Grinding

Larceny: Intrusive (on the rest of my life)

Reasonable Peep: perserverance-inducing

Sandra: Fuck

Scalito: Masochistic

What advice would you give to someone applying to law school right now? (Besides don’t do it.)

Anita: Make friends with drunks like yourself. (and i know you are cause you read this blog). And, procrastination is okay, in fact it's good for you!

Calculating: Don’t get caught up in prep before school starts, don’t get caught up too much in grades once school starts, and do find some good drinking buddies that you can occasionally study with. Oh, and start a blog. Because what we really need out in the blogosphere are more law-related blogs.

John Roberts: Make sure to take care of yourself. If you don't schedule time for you every day, you're gonna be burned out way too soon, and the rest of the semester won't be pleasant.

Lance: Apply early (like September). You are more likely to get in and get scholarship money.

Larceny: Stop talking about how your grades in undergrad MUST mean you'll be a good law student. If I have to hear another 1L say, "But I got all A's in undergrad" I will scream. It doesn't mean shit, so get over it right away so you don't have a nervous breakdown and have to have an ambulance come when you start having an anxiety attack (yup, that happend this year!) It will make your life easier.

Reasonable Peep: have faith, whatever you decide, whether you start and quit, quit before you start, or go through it, things will work out for the better.

Sandra: KY is good but the coverage of Vasoline lasts a lot longer. AND, make damn sure this is what you really want to do. The image you have of sailing in here and getting the best grades in your class (like you did in undergrad along with EVERYONE ELSE you will be in law school with) and then getting an offer for a powerful job in a tall building is true for about 3 of the people in each law school class. (And it is highly possible you will not be one of those three.) It's a sad fact, but true. If you are pursuing law because you need your ego stroked or you have a small penis, I would suggest getting a job you'd probably enjoy working in a book store and buying yourself a hummer and a few nights with a prostitute who will tell you how awesome you are. It's cheaper and a lot more pleasureable.

Scalito: Get a job at a law firm before you decide to go.

What is the best new word or phrase that has been added to your vocabulary since you started law school:

Anita: ergo, hence, hereafter, fee simple subject to a condition subsequent or whatever that was in property. ew.

Calculating: “Nice fee tail. Wanna divest my executory limitation?”

John Roberts: "Get all up in your work product"

Lance: Train Humping

Larceny: "Subpoena the mother fucker"

Reasonable Peep: caveat

Sandra: "I'm gonna get all up in your work product."

Scalito: Tie between Tortfeasor and Bunghole

Lessons learned so far in Law School:

Anita: My way or the highway. or something like that? I dunno, it's early, and I'm at work over my flippin' winter break.

Calculating: Learn to believe in yourself. And every time you doubt yourself or feel like a complete idiot after class head straight to the bar.

John Roberts: The world runs on personal connections. Qualifications really don't matter.

Lance: students really know how to drink...

Larceny: I'm going to sound all mushy, but that lesson is that if you really want to do something, all the crap you go through is worth it to love what you do and be excited about it. Law school is a means to an end.

Reasonable Peep: To have confidence in yourself. No matter what happens, things will work out and you will get through it. We are all survivors.

Sandra: I have a few. 1) Beer is good but nothing takes the edge off a 16 hour day like straight vodka. I would recommend a good IV drip. 2) Your law school friends are law school's apology for the ass stretching you recieve on a daily basis. 3) Be real. Employers, clients, and decent people in general would rather deal with someone they can relate to than an over-zealous, pretentious, excessive brown-nosing one pump chump. My fellow bloggers know the type..... think "Track suits on Fridays......"

Scalito: Don't screw with the computers of your classmates, especially right before finals start.

So far: Better to be a 2L or a 1L?

Anita: Both...1L i had the best schedule ever and didn't know enough to be afraid, however with that came the uncertainty, the fact that i still did case briefs, and read. All those sucked. 2L is good because i finally know what the professors want, (read: me over a barrel) and i like my classes so far- but 2L sucks because I am working 2 jobs, decided to be in charge of everything I could be, and wanted to take 6 classes at the same time. Turns out that means I have no life. Calculating: Both have their goods and bads. So far the best part is that we’re half way home!

John Roberts: That's like asking if its better to be fucked by a rhino or a hippo

Lance: 1L

Larceny: 2L: By this time, you don't stress or care as much. And you have jobs and other things to concentrate on so you don't get so wrapped up in all the law school crap.

Reasonable Peep: 2L except for not seeing everyone all the time, but definitely 2L

Sandra: I have to go with 2L simply because it means I am closer to being done....

Scalito: 2L at least I know why they were teaching us all that stuff I didn't understand last year...not that I understand it now. I just know why they taught it.

Law School Ruins the iPhone

In case you haven't noticed, I'm the resident Mac Zealot (yes, that makes me better than you). There have been rumors swirling in the Mac community for a couple years about Apple releasing a cell phone, touch screen iPods, etc. None of them were really given much credibility since they all seemed outrageous.

Today Apple confirmed them all when Steve Jobs (a.k.a. The Dear Leader) announced the iPhone, a touch screen smart phone that sports a fully featured web browser as well as iPod capabilities.

My first thought? "Oh, mobile Westlaw!"

Fucking law school.

Stay Tuned...

As you've probably already figured out, we finished up finals on December 21st and are currently on hiatus. School starts again the week after next -- the day after MLK Jr. -- and we're having a halfway there party the day before we go back, so I'm sure there will be plenty of fodder to blog about.

Plus, our one-year anniversary is quickly approaching...

Stay tuned!