Anyhoo.....I have a little competition for everyone this Thursday morning. The very first day of our Tax class I did not sit with my fellow bitches. I walked into class about 2 mins. before class started (look, it seemed much wiser to get that extra half hour of sleep, what did it matter, it was just the first day of classes). So anyway, I ended up sitting in an area surrounded by people I don't necessarily associate with on a regular basis. To amuse myself while the prof. discussed exemptions (which I'm sure Calculating was drooling at the time) I looked around at those sitting around me and looked at what they were looking at on their computers. Yes I'm nosy. If I wasn't, I would have nothing to entertain you all with. Here is what was on the monitors (please note, that this was immediately after the prof told us his computer-usage policy of no internet, no email, no games and no IM):
1) Guy to my immediate left: Website for shoes. (I thought only chicks did this, but whatever).
2) Guy immediatly next to him on the left: Fantasy Football webpage (I understand Lance Ito also has an obsession with this thing called Fantasy Football) to which he kept swearing under his breath every few minutes.
3) Guy immediatly in front of me: I kid you not, 10 IM windows. Now, that's just impressive. He should get a JD degree just for being able to manage all that. He was typing and switching screens like a madman.
4) Girl to my immediate right: Two windows - Her notes page, to which she was taking very thorough notes and listening intently (no, it was not Calculating), and her other word document of her case briefs. Yes, I said case briefs. And they were written by her, trust me.
5) Girl in front of me and to the right: Her notes, an ebay page where she was refreshing every 2 seconds to see if she had won some Chanel purse with these weird squiggly things all over it and an IM screen where she was updating the girl sitting several rows in front of her that "she almost got it, it's going to be freakin' awesome." Eh. Yes, I could read that, she wrote it in all caps.
6) Guy in front of Girl #5 who kept attempting to stifle his laughs as he was IM'd links to shirts with naughty phrases and sexual positions on them.
Now, I ask you. Three questions: Name which is the person known as one of the smartest people in our 2Lclass. Then name the person who is a 3L. Then name the person most likely to succeed as a lawyer. (The last one is just for my amusement). The one to get it right wins my undying love.
In an bit of an administrative snafu, the 1Ls were told the week before classes started that they had been given the wrong Civil Procedure professors. That is, the prof for one section was actually the prof for the other section and vice versa. So one of the deans made an announcement during the optional prep course letting the 1Ls know that they had to return their books and buy the book for the other section.
A 1L approached the professor leading the prep course: "But I've already read for the first four weeks -- now I have to start all over?"
Leaning down to the 1L the prof says: "Now thats just a little crazy."
I come into work the next day and there is a sign hanging on the security desk that says "Free towel service if you buy your pool pass before September 6th."
Apparently, a couple of people did inquire about the pool passes:
1L: "I didn't know there was a pool here."
Security guard: "Yeah, its up on the 5th floor. You should take the elevator up and check it out." (Note: of course there are only 4 floors).
So the 1L went and got in the elevator. Within a minute he was back out in the hallway, walking towards security: "Hey, where is the button for the fifth floor?"
2L: "We have a pool? How come I never heard about this last year?"
Wise 3L: "You've never been to the pool? Are you kidding? It's up on the fifth floor."
2L: "Hmm, I'll have to go check it out the next time I'm up there."
Yep, for those of you that haven't figured it out yet, law school is just like high school. Welcome back to the grind!
1) Drinking every day in class. Oh, wait. I just kept drinking every day at work, so I guess that didn’t really change.
2) Having my self-esteem battered at every turn. Mostly by my fellow blogger, Mr. Roberts.
3) Constantly being accused of being a calculating bitch. Never mind, emailing back and forth all summer took care of that.
Having a readily available system for assessing my worth as a human being.
Larceny: What have I missed about law school?! Is this a trick question? Not a damned thing.
Roberts: Not even me?
Larceny: Sorry John, but seeing you on an almost everyday basis means that I must be back in school.
Roberts: But surely the pleasure, not to mention privilege, of being graced with my magnificent presence on a nearly daily basis overcomes any and all negative aspects of law school? Surely my stunning visage and cunning wit are worth doing a few case briefs, no?
Larceny: Sigh. How do I put this lightly so as to not hurt your feelings? No.
Roberts: It looks like the end of your message got cut off. I'll just assume that what you meant was "No... you are so right John. All the bad of law school just melts away when I am in your presence. What did I ever do before I met you?"
Larceny: What did I do before I met you? Well, I didn't go to law school. Man, those were the fucking days. Also, I didn't want to stab myself in the eye every time I got an email reminding me of all the shit I have to do for school. And last but not least, I didn't need to drink myself into a drunken stupor just to get through a few hours where I didn't think about law school or having to see all you assholes again. (I'm kidding on the assholes part. Kinda)
The Reasonable Peep
I have really missed the people. During 1l mayhem, I was privileged to meet some pretty fantastic people who have made the law school experience enjoyable. I have also missed karaoke sessions/parties after finals because that is when you really learn the importance of drinking...
Other than that, I have missed using highlighters daily, being so in tuned with the internet and all the entertainment blogs, feeling productive (intellectually), and the location of the law school – there is so much to do around it!
I have sincerely missed the times when I weigh heavy and important questions such as, "Will I die faster if I stab myself in the face with a pencil, or jump head first from my desk?" or "USRAP? What the hell is that?" I have also missed the art of delicately timing the "chat constantly online during class and play solitaire while looking up and making eye contact with the professor regularly" routine. Of course, I've missed all you assholes too.
1) Routine. I've been taking classes but I need the routine to keep me from slipping toward insanity. Once I know that I will have two hours to read for every one hour of class and 1 hour to outline after, I will be a happy man.
2) Friends. There are a few friends who I haven't seen since we turned in our last final. It will be nice to see them.
3) Free Lunches. I know with the incoming class being the largest yet, there will be plenty of free lunches.
4) Reduced Parking. I've been working at school this summer and have had to pay the going rate for parking with has sucked the big one.
5) Fellow Bloggers. I'm missed the smily faces of all of my fellow bloggers.
- Drink the round-the-world beer tour (80 different beers) at one of the local bars before the end of fall semester
- Convince at least one 1L to purchase a “pool” pass
- Not read one page of any book for at least one class. Better yet, not even buy all of the required books.
- Get a 1L to pee her pants
- Use every single absence in every single class possible. (Screw the perfect attendance certificate, Roberts)
- Convince at least one 1L that it will be a rewarding experience (and look great on his resume) to be a law clerk for the LawBitches.
- Instead of playing Gunner BINGO in class, playing drinking games. For example, in Professional Responsibility every time the professor says “ethics” we have to do a shot.
Join Alcoholics Anonymous.
- Be accused of being an alcoholic by a significant other
- Win the over/under on the number of 1Ls to drop after Fall grades come out.
- Drink more coffee in one semester than annually exported from Costa Rica.
welcome to 1Ls, I hope your experience is better then ours (I think I speak for the rest of the bitches). This was a shirt I saw that reminded me of law school. See the previous quote on my last blog post. No matter where you are...law school is just around the corner. 1ls, welcome to law school, please do not become as bitter/jaded/disenfrancised as we are. I'm drunk while posting this. Toodles. I don't recommend Grog.
Although I knew I had to do the OCI stuff at some point, it still doesn't make it any better that I am on vacation.
"Everytime I think I'm out...they suck me right back in again."
Al Pacino, "The Godfather III"
In honor of the law school prep of 2Ls (better known as beerfest) I think this post entitled "Alcoholoscopes" is in order.
Does yours hold true?
- "nude blog sites"
- "gay amateur"
- "revenge nude pictures"
- "horny bridesmaids"
- "tight ass"
- "porn rude bitches"
- "nylon fetish"
- "high School bitches with ass"
- "hot beef boning"
- "soft porn"
- "Bad nasty little bitches big ass"
- "skanky blonde bitches"
- "remote control vibrator"
Or perhaps law school is just allowing us to flourish in our perversion?
However, since I do go to law school, it means that the rest of summer has been cancelled, that the cops have gone all Elliot Ness and busted up the party. Why? I already have 100 pages of reading due the first day, and that's only from two of my five classes. Entering 1Ls: it's not too late to back out. It really is as bad as you think it's going to be.
Up until today, we had never received any spammer comments on this site, so we hadn't enabled verification on the comments. Due to two in one day, I have now enabled the word verification feature. Sorry to all, because it drives me nuts, but I don't need any real estate from an online broker and I don't care to purchase the miracle kitchen knife, so in order to keep these solicitations to a minimum, commentors now have to go the extra step.
Now try to solicit me. I mean it. Give me your best shot.
Today is John Roberts birthday! No, not that John Roberts – the LawBitch JR. In an obvious moment of weakness and rare show of kindness, I sent him an e-card signed from his “Favorite Calculating Bitch.”
Here is the conversation and hilarity that ensued. Okay, maybe not so much the hilarity:
Roberts: Thanks for the card, Calculating. A question though: are you my favorite calculating bitch because I genuinely like you, or because you are the only calculating bitch I know?
Calculating: Are you bummed that I didn't make your birthday wishes into a math problem? Because if you want I can replace any and all personalization with numbers...
Roberts: How about you tell me how many billable hours old I am, and then I can see how much I am worth?
Calculating: Hmm, I don't think we can count any of the hours from the time that you were born until you graduated from high school, because I'm sure most parents would agree that from the terrible twos up to the teenage wasteland years do not add any value to anyone's life. (Perhaps even decreases one's billables?) Then again, most kids do have a good year somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10, so we probably could add that one year in.
Oh, and you were an Eagle Scout, so you probably have some billable hours that we can count during that quest.
Since you went to college and went into the computer/technology field, we can probably include those years and after in our billable count. But if you had been an English lit or philosophy major, then you probably wouldn't have any billables for that period.
So, let's see. You graduated from high school in '97, right? So we can count Fall of 1997 up until Fall of 2005. Once we all entered law school, I think most would agree that we haven't added any value to society (especially in a community that is already overflowing with lawyers), and therefore cannot count our efforts as billables unless we truly are billing client hours in our jobs this summer. Which for you means that in billable hours, you roughly have about 11 years worth, and we'll say at an average of 1900 a year (I know, I know, perhaps a bit ambitious), that would make you approximately 20,900 billable hours old.
If you, like most law clerks, are billing at about $95/hr then I guess then you'd be worth $1.9 million ($1,985,500 to be exact).
Roberts: Well done. However, I must point out that I graduated from high school in '96. Also, college, or at least how I spent a good portion of it, probably shouldn't count as billables. Overall though, I would say you did an excellent job reducing my entire life to a dollar value. You truly are the most calculating of bitches.
To JR: Even though I’ve already said it in both words and numbers - Happy Birthday! Hope you had a good one.
This year as 2Ls, we all picked our own schedules, and there is no guarantee that you will know anyone in your classes, so no more just following the herd. Perhaps this is what led to my season opening dream last night.
I dreamt that it was Wednesday, the third day of classes for the semester, and someone mentioned how they hated having classes at night. That reminded me that I too had a night class Monday through Wednesday, and that I HAD FORGOTTEN TO GO TO THEM.
Panic set in. "Fuck me what I am I going to do at best I look like an idiot explaining to my brand new professors how I forgot to go to class at worst I fail out of school and end up earning enough for my next hit of meth by giving hand jobs to random dudes in the alley behind the Kwik Trip Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"
Then I woke up, and I just knew I hadn't missed class. How? Because if school had already started for the semester, I wasn't nearly stressed out enough.
Looks like I'm in for a fun semester. Somebody pass the alcohol.
So I joined and spent a good two hours setting up a profile. Which I was happy to learn wasn’t too difficult. I decided to set my profile to private (I know this annoys Dicta) for one very specific reason: I knew all my HS friends were on this thing, and many of them would be curious about me and want to read my profile. I didn’t really care if anyone else looked, but this was the purpose. Apparently, this has caused a lot of anguish for some of my old high school “friends.” You see, I added one high school friend at first whom I still keep in constant contact with. Well, when she put my profile on her own, I had 80 hits to my profile in one day. Why you ask? Well, to some of my old high school chums I have enjoyed a kind of mystery. So when they saw that profile on other high school friend's sites, apparently they got excited that they would finally find out what I turned out to be (a bitch, same as in high school people) but then clicked on it and read “This user has set their profile to private.” Hah – so in order to look at it they had to ask to be my friend. I know this is not mature, and I’m at peace with that. It’s kinda a passive aggressive way of getting revenge on people you disliked in high school, while at the same time finding their profiles that they did not set to private and learn about how much lamer they really have become.
A day later, a high school friend (whom I actually did like back in high school and was a good guy) asked to be my friend. I clicked on his profile and was barraged with images of porn stars. Lots of them. He had porn star photos, clips from movie scenes, links to “Hot Asian Ladies” websites, and summaries of his favorites. Also, all of his pictures were of him standing next to cardboard cut-outs of porn stars (okay, honestly, who actually buys those things, and where. Do they have conventions or something, because that is what it looked like in the pic) as well as picture after picture of various weapons. Knives, guns, etc. Also, he was very proud of his Nascar jacket. What is a LawBitch to do? So I messaged him back and asked if he had gone crazy in just a few years. I wasn’t really joking. So ensued the Larceny stalking. He proceeded to ask my why I hadn’t added him yet (cause you’re freaking me out dude, and the knives might have something to do with it, I’m not as worried about the porn). He then asked where I was, if I was dating anyone, if I still had that “hot” dance uniform (I proceeded to gag here) and whether or not I’d be back in town so we could “get together.” I thought I should just tell him I was a lesbian or something, but that would have just made him happier I think. So I told him I was going to be a lawyer. Apparently, not too much a fan of the lawyers. Musta dealt with a few in the past. It was either the weapons or the porn.
Story 1 - the instant messenger stalker: Out of the blue one day when I’m reading some property law I get an IM from one saraac84 (the name has not been changed to protect the douchebaggedness) that reads "ur practically a celebrity at this point." First, I hate when people type "u" or "ur" instead of you/your/you're. Seriously, how much harder is it to type the word? It would probably take me longer to train myself to type the abbreviations than it is worth. But I digress.
So I IM this girl back to find out what her deal is, how she knows me, and why i may or may not be a celebrity. She blocks me. So the next time she unblocks me I get a little more abrasive. Blocked again. This dance continues for a while until I just forget about her altogether (I’m sure I’m not the first).
A YEAR LATER, a friend who I’d mentioned this to IMs me and says "you're in saraac84's away message." Surely, I thought this was a joke. So I checked, and sure enough, I was. Wow. WOW. So I IM'd her, and she actually talked to me for a little. I got a few things out of her, from which I was able to figure out her name and college, and I was able to find her webshots, facebook profile, myspace profile, and cell phone number (which we may or may not have called during debauchery). All of this could have been avoided had she just told me how she knew me/got my screenname, but she refused...and now she will pay.
Story 2 - MySpace: Many of us here in the blogosphere try to remain anonymous, or at least semi-anonymous. I clearly fall into the latter category as I occasionally post pictures of myself, my girlfriend, and my friends on the blog, but I don’t go out of my way to post my name, and certainly not my last name. But I do bitch about my law school and I’m sure between that and sitemeter people could figure out where I go.
I briefly created a screenname for my blog identity, and several fellow bloggers would occasionally IM me. But it got to be too much, and I realized that I don’t really desire to talk on IM with people I don’t know and probably won’t meet, so I unlinked the screenname and haven’t used it since. I’ll stick to communications via blog and email, which I can respond to at my own leisurely pace and not feel bombarded by.
Well, walking tort took this one step further and proceeded to stalk out my myspace profile. Granted, I do leave clues in my blog as to where I am, but it still must take some amount of time to put it all together, run thru the search of my school, and locate me. Sketchy. In a brief moment of weakness I accepted the friend invite, not wanting to offend a fellow blogger. I generally don’t care about this, so I don’t know why I did then. Either way, I accepted.
Subsequently, there was this whole ordeal when I just stated the obvious (that pennsylvania really really sucks), after which I de-friended her on myspace and unlinked her on coalm. I know enough crazy people in real life, and I don’t need any more. Sometimes enough is enough.Stalkers, let me make one thing clear: should you stalk me, I will stalk you back, and I will do a better job than you did. And you wont like it.
And now, our Top 10 MySpace Faux Pas (in no particular order):
1. Dont make a lame profile name, and especially don’t put one like, “Horniest M-Fer” (We’re sure your future employer will be so happy you’re so horny) for guys or “Lucky Charm” for girls (Larceny: To that girl, I thought you were a stripper after I saw that name).
2. Stop writing politically motivated bulletins trying to get people to "change the world." Honestly, look at yourself. You're on MySpace. Please.
3. Stop posting your cell phone numbers on people’s comment pages. They’re there for all the world to see, and any creepy perv, including Larceny and Dicta, can call you. And people get mad at MySpace for dangerous situations, someone should talk to the dumbass 14 year olds that put their contact info all over the f-ing place.
4. If you are under 21 (and put that on your profile) stop posting pictures of you drunk and passed out. Also, “this is me, totally fucked up on coke and beer” is not a good headline for a picture unless you want to see the inside of a rehab clinic when the cops find it (yes, they do look through this website for illegal activity, and no, you can’t claim privacy when it’s online for all the world to see.)
5. Don’t put 80 of those picture slideshows on your page. It freezes our sucky-ass Dell computers, and we don’t want to have to call the pricks at Dell and explain that one.
6. Your silly myspace pic taken at an angle doesn't fool anyone--you're fat and ugly, and we know it
7. No need to post pictures of you making out with your significant other. Pics of them are fine, but you needed a hotel room and no one else wanted to see it. If we wanted to see you at your worst we’d sleep with your mom and imagine it was something like that.
8. If you're not funny, don’t try to be. Not everybody is funny, and it's ok if you're not. Make your profile in the manner that suits who you are. (This should apply to blogs too), unless of course who you are is a coke-addicted 14 year old with a penchant to show half naked pictures of yourself. Then, contact a shrink immediately and find out what the fuck is wrong with you.
9. Myspace is not a friend contest. Don’t add us because you "used to know us" or we went to high school together but never talked. If you're that desperate for a friend, then we don’t want to be one.
10. Last but definitely not least, if you’re going to stalk us, anyone, at least be creative, amusing and entertaining like the above people. While we complained and bitched (come on, what did you expect?), our “stalkers” entertained us. We hate boring stalkers, they leave us with no stories such as these, and we bloggers are in constant need of material. So kudos to our stalkers for keeping us on our toes.