To the 1L that cut me off.....

You need to calm the fuck down. Look, I realize that you, at the last minute, realized that you were about to miss the parking ramp at school and apparently, turning right in front of me was a really good idea to you. Let me illustrate your maneuver (with special thanks to John Roberts for the artwork, this would have taken me YEARS, also this kept us busy in Corporations):

Key
Purple block thing: School ramp
Cute little red girl car: Me
Black SUV: Little shithead

Maybe you just couldn’t see me in my little cute car because you were driving the world’s largest fucking SUV (sidenote: do you really need that thing to go to fucking school?), but turning in front of me from the outside lane, was not cool. My little car has enough problems without you taking its entire front end off. My favorite part was when I honked at you angrily and you just act as if you have no idea that you did anything wrong and keep going. And then proceed to drive very slowly through the parking ramp. Look, it’s 1:10pm, there are no spots on the first floor. Just keep the fuck going, because you’re wasting my time and I already want to beat the crap out of you so don’t make it worse. I was willing to give you some slack since you’re a 1L, and maybe you haven’t figured this out after one week of classes, but to thereafter screech into a handicapped spot on the 3rd floor because you’re in such a hurry and just can't keep going, is unacceptable.

How do I know you’re a 1L you ask? Oh, well that would be for several reasons. First, your driving illustrates that you have no fucking clue how to drive downtown and are probably from Debumfuck, Hickstate and are still confused about traffic lights. (The Jesus Fish and American Flag also helped in this assessment). Second, as soon as you screeched into the handicapped spot, you jumped out (I know this because several spots down was an open spot that I parked in and kept an eye on you to give you the dirty eyeball), you then slammed your door and RAN to class. How does this make you a 1L? Well, it’s about 1:15, and classes start at 1:30. And you are running full speed to a class on the first floor. Third, and finally, when I gave you a dirty look, you didn’t know enough to look scared. If you hadn’t been running away I would have roundhouse kicked you into the wall for almost hitting me, and I can do it. I generally like my car and don’t take a liking to people trying to smash it just so they can get to class early.

Look, I realize that you 1Ls this year are crazy, and are basically foaming at the mouth over Contracts or whatever, but this is just stupid. You don’t get extra points for getting there early. Parking ramps are fairly easy to maneuver, if you can’t figure that out, you are so royally screwed already. Also, if you hit my car, I will totally kick your ass. Also, I will find out who you are and have John Roberts sign you up for various porn sites. And have Calculating Bitch blacklist you (I have no idea what kind of blacklist, but I'm pretty sure she could do something of that nature). And then I will have Swinging Kennedy publicly mock you. What else do us 3Ls have to do?

11 comments:

Guy Fawkes said...

Make sure John Roberts signs this person up for some of that classic silverback gorilla porn he's referenced in the past. Regular porn just isn't enough.

Amy said...

The law bitches are back...Im so happy!

winai said...

WOMEN :::rolls eyes:::

John Roberts said...

guy: that wasn't porn, it was personal experience. best sex of my life.

winai: it's not friday, you posted a comment, and (I'm assuming) you were touching yourself when you posted. I though we had an understanding that you were going to knock that shit off

The Swinging Kennedy said...

There truly is no mocking like a "Swinging Kennedy mocking." And I have so enjoyed that skill with the 1Ls this year.

And... on that pleasant note, Winai, you are a piece of garbage. There are those of us who laid off earlier because we were afraid that if you felt our full wrath you would stick a gun in your mouth. We were satisfied that you received our docile and kind message, specially crafted by Sandra Gay.

You will no longer be afforded such kindness you sad pathetic little waste of human skin. Someone really just needs to kick your ass. For being ugly. For being stupid. For being rude. For... well being you.

Now, not to treat you like your mother, but Shut Up and Go Away.

Larceny Bitch said...

AssHusband informed me that I should have let the little shit hit me so we could have gotten a new car. Damn.

Also, Winai, about how much cock do you suck on average every day? I'm beginning to think all that semen ingestion has affected your brain. You're such a creepy fucker, how many restraining orders do you have so far (let's just limit it to this year for times sake).

Justice Moustache said...

Damn newbies. It's bad enough that you're a 1L--but a 1L who drives like an embicile right near school is just fucking terrible.

LawSchoolBlogger said...

It's great that you make a diagram like that for your blog. I wont' even do that stuff for Trial Ad.

April Elizabeth said...

god everything you discribed was me... except for the bad driving and being from a hick town thing.. but the running to class 15 minutes early thing, yup doing it.. why? becuase im terrified.

Dizzy said...

Your site is a KEY public service. Key.

Eliza said...

Follow UP!! Tell me you found them, tell me you know them, tell me they have been reduced to dust!