Tips for the 2Ls

Case briefs
Stop writing them. Yes, these were a nice security blanket last year, but you shouldn't be doing them your 2L year. Besides making you look like the 5 year old who still breast feeds, they are going to sink you. At this point in your "legal career" you need to be able to pull the important stuff out of a case without doing a book report. The volume of reading your second year is much higher than last year and you simply are not going to be able to keep up if you don't learn to skim and highlight. Plus, if you don't kick this habit, you're going to look like a fucking tool at your job this summer.

I can't believe you people didn't learn this lesson last year. Too many paint chips as a lil' tyke? When a professor appoints a panel of students to be on call for the day, that means not only do you not have to volunteer, but you shouldn't even be reading! As I said before, the only way to keep up with all your reading is to (a) be crazy, (b) abuse stimulants, or (c) a combination of (a) and (b). At most you should skim Emanuel's, but really you should just take some notes in class and then do what you should do for every black letter class: cram at the end. This shit really isn't so complicated that you have to kill yourself for three months to learn it, otherwise no one would pass the fucking bar exam.

Besides, you're 2Ls: you need that lecture time to work on something more important like running your student organizations (you think us lazy 3Ls are going to do it?) and look for jobs (if you don't have your entire career planned by now, you've failed at being a human being; we suggest drinking bleach)

Speaking of answering questions, when you mention that you were employed last summer in your class answers, you look like a douche bag. When you name drop your employer in your answers, you are a douche bag. Knock this shit off. You aren't special because you brought some partner coffee in the morning and then cupped his balls while the first year associates felated him.

No one cares about your deeply held feelings on agency law, stops and frisks, or any other topic. Unless you attend a Top 10 school, you're never going to be a law professor, so shut up. I know that warm, musky space between professors' ass cheeks is your natural habitat, but the class is blind graded; you're not doing yourself any favors by kissing up, you're just pissing off your classmates (see above: Answers)

"If the 2Ls in this class fuck up the curve, I'm gonna stab somebody"*

[*Yes, this was actually said by one of the LawBitches (rather loudly) when walking into one of our required classes...]

Ah, the 2Ls. Even though we are only four days in they have provided amusement to no end. It kills us as we sit in class behind all of them, listening to them discussing the reading (fifteen minutes before class starts), and staring at their 5 pages of typed book notes on their laptop screens (again, prior to the first class). Don't you know that you are no longer 1Ls? Knock it off!

I certainly hope we were never like that last year. What is wrong with the class of 2009?

The first day of school…

Calculating: I think there are so many gunners in this class that the odds of getting called on are virtually zero

Giggles: yeah

Giggles: i vote the girl in the third row from the front, middle far right side tries first

Giggles: she's my middle square

2 minutes later

Giggles: i can cross off my middle square

Calculating: lol. That didn't take long

Calculating: why is she the free square?

Giggles: because the easiest one is always the middle

23 minutes later

Giggles: ok... annoying. stop trying to be funny

Calculating: no kidding

Giggles: man... i really just need to line those people all up on the board and I would have a bingo almost already

Giggles: screw filling in the rest of the board

Calculating: fantasy gunner is better then bingo because you go the entire semester and you get to draft your players

Giggles: yeah. but how do you draft people you don’t know the names of — like all of the 2Ls?

Calculating: well, sneak a peek at the seating chart

Giggles: ask for a copy

Giggles: in order to get to know our 2L better

Calculating: yeah, question is are there more 2L or 3L gunners in this class?

Calculating: do you realize the only 3Ls in the first five rows of the class are on law review?

Giggles: oh sad

Giggles: there just aren't that many 3ls in here

The second day of school…

Larceny: These little 2Ls are funny. They snipe at each other.

Larceny: One girl kept saying the wrong name. And Lance and I noticed it and were like whatever

Larceny: And then someone raised their hand and was like "she is saying the WRONG name"

Larceny: And emphasized it and she said, "I'm sorry, I understood that it was this way" kinda cranky-like

Calculating: who is it?

Larceny: Yeah, cause I would know that. The chick has [insert description that is too close for the comfort of the semi-anonymity of this blog here]

Calculating: omigod I think that might be the same one that was driving nuts in my class too.

Larceny: She's kinda dumb

Larceny: Says things without reading/thinking at first

Calculating: yeah, she was trying way too hard to be funny in class today...

Larceny: the prof keeps asking her questions and she's pretty confused

Larceny: For such go-getters, they're not THAT smart

Larceny: My favorite part is that Lance and I knew that she made the mistake like a half hour ago, but decided that IM and the internet were more important

The third day of school…

Roberts: its great having 2Ls in class though

Roberts: they are all trying so hard

Roberts: and Larceny and i are picking nicknames for them

Calculating: you need to get a student directory from last year and cross out their real names, so I can figure out who you are talking about

Roberts: lol

Calculating: ask Larceny if the gunner from crim pro is in corps too

Roberts: so far there is k-fed, Captain Scribe, and the Weiner King and his Court

Calculating: ?

Roberts: k-fed looks like he should have been in an adult GED class

Roberts: Larceny really hates the weiner king

Roberts: i think he is hilarious

Calculating: lol. I kind of want to know who these people are but maybe it's best if I don

Roberts: The weiner king really is the king of all weiners. his voice, his slang, his mannerisms, his face.

Roberts: i bet he is awesome at chess

Roberts: Captain Scribe did casebriefs for the reading!!!!

Larceny: I told Roberts that the weiner king was kind of creepy and douchey

Larceny: "Like a frat boy that will corner you in a hallway and try to make you drink in the hopes that finally some girl will let him touch her boobies"

Calculating: oh, god, I know who it is — he is a bit outspoken as well

Larceny: "Outspoken" is not the word I would have used for him

Larceny: I like douche-y better

Larceny: I think it may be the combo of the suit + memorized restatement = douchey

Calculating: lol

Larceny: "When I was working at blah blah blah this summer...."

Calculating: the 2Ls are doing that already?

Calculating: I thought that was reserved for pretentious 3Ls

Larceny: Nope, apparently not

Message From Sandra Gay

Ahhhhh…. Yes…

I would expect most of you readers to be shitting solid gold bricks right now. You’re probably thinking “Hey- when the hell did Sandra Gay decide to come back?” “Wasn’t her last post during her 1L year?” Yes friends, it was. But I am back today because it has been brought to my attention that an intervention is required, and I am the right person for the job for reasons that will become obvious shortly.

During the life of this blog we have posted some pretty graphic, and at times (well, most of the time) sophomoric crap. Mostly, it’s not really worth any real intelligent person’s use of his or her time. Occasionally, we too have been surprised by something we read on some blog we are linked to. (Let us all have a moment of silence as we recall the day we discovered that Jurishprudensh had become some crazy horse porn site.) With all that said, today we have been moved to action as a result of some stupid ass comments that are being posted on our blog.

Yes, Winai, I am talking to you. Please read this carefully. (The rest of you can read too. When you hear the chimes, turn the page.)

Winai, we admit that we are immature and, as was stated previously, sophomoric. Many of us think we are funny, and that is usually a result of too much coffee, and a severe lack of sleep. You have been posting comments such as “"if i buy you the Law Bitch Classic Thong will you sport it? " and “He will be my lawn mowing buddy from now on (in reference to Alberto Gonzales,)"and finally, “Okay you lawBITCHES, i come here and never get a question answered by any of you, so i demand answers now! 1. what did you bitches major as an undergrad? 2. is it true the female law students are sexually active?"

Demand this you f*c%ing creepy dude:

In response to your first question, In undergrad we all majored in different subjects. We have a wide background from some crazy science shit that I don’t understand, to some equally crazy computer shit that I don’t understand, to your run of the mill English major. The one thing we all managed to “major in” was not being creepy assholes. You, on the other hand, need to vary your curriculum from French (yes, we read your blog to try to figure out what kind of fucker you are) to “How not to be a creepy dude.”

In response to your second, (and this is where the tough love comes in), sexually activity is not something that we, as a collective group, feel you are ready to discuss. Winai, you’re creepy. We all feel that you are headed in some pretty dangerous directions. Mostly, we think there could be a nasty, and messy, congressional page scandal in your future. Equally probable is a bit of an embarrassing debut on Dateline NBC. All of this can be avoided though by your attention to the little tidbit I am going to share with you. Are you ready?

Winai, you are obviously a homosexual.

I know, I know, “I am not! I love bangin’ chicks!” Sure Winai- that’s what they all say. Your overzealous attempts at sounding straight (pointing out that you are disappointed that your French professor is a “Bangali-looking homosexual” and adding that this “sucks the fun out of the French class. I remember when i was in High School i had a hot French teacher. She made going to classes fun. Then in college i placed out of French 101 and took 102 with a swiss-looking professor. My point is if i'm gonna be learning French i want to learn it from a female…” ), your tired comments aimed at the degradation of women (see above), and your inability to talk about much else leads me to this conclusion. The sooner you embrace this fact and learn to deal, the sooner you will chill the fu%k out and become a most likeable dude. I know for a fact (and I am not the only “Bangali-looking homosexual” in the LawBitches) that you will feel much better, and that is why I am taking my precious time to talk to you.

If you still insist on denial, know this: Even though I don’t sleep with dudes, and yes, I am a “female law student who is sexually active,” if I did, you are the last kind of guy I would sleep with. If you want to get laid (if and when you get to law school with that incredible intellect you’re sporting), I suggest you clean up your act so that women would not, when polled, suggest that they would rather give a hand job to Karl Rove than talk to the likes of you- much less put your dick in their mouths. (This also goes for gay men should you come to terms with yourself. They, in general, find that kind of shit distasteful as well.)

Additionally, save your racist bullshit for someone else’s blog. We have a Hispanic LawBitch. While we reserve the right to pick on her incessantly, your comments about Mexicans piss us off. Stop it.

A word or two about your consideration of law school: You may want to consider learning about punctuation and capitalization. It helps with the law school applications. When you are ready to behave yourself, we will have many more helpful hints for you. We like helping others. We’re do-gooders.

Oh. And one more thing. When you address the LawBitches, you will kindly remember to capitalize “LawBitches.” It’s a sign of respect.

One More Reason to Sell Your Soul

So here's another thing they never tell you in law school: Sell out early.

Now in our Third Years, many of us are starting to hear about other 3Ls who have already been offered jobs upon graduation at the various places they clerked over the summer. In fact, several of your Bitches have been offered jobs, and we heartily congratulate them, even though the rest of us hate them a little for it.

For those of us who are going more towards public interest jobs, government jobs, the "I want to assuage my guilt for being white" "do good for the world cause I have a small penis" jobs, turns out we get kinda screwed.

In addition to taking a rather significant pay cut, which we all knew going in, as it turns out we will also be the last to find jobs: the places we clerked, if hiring at all, won't be making decisions until late April. Until then, we get to apply to other jobs that won't make a decision until then either. With each job application, I realize how much I am standing at the bar at the end of the night just hoping to be drunk enough to not notice that the guy I am going home with looks like a bloodied Shihtzu. Fun times, to be sure.

Is it time to bend over, take it up the ass and just find a corporate job I'll hate like a two-dollar hooker knowing that this is better than going without crack?

Not quite yet, but I am starting to lube up.

A New Record

It's only just past lunch time on the first day of the semester, and I already wish I was dead.

Formal Invitation #2

Umm... Given the invitation to Karl Rove earlier this month upon his retirement, I suppose an invitation must also begrudgingly be given to this man.

Just please don't try to fire any of us...

Goals for Our 3L Year

Following with the good practice of goal setting (and since we will surely have to do it as we crossover into the full-time working world) and with the tradition of last year it is time to make note of the LawBitches' ambitions for our third and final year of law school:
  • We are 3Ls. Creating a list of goals here would be counter to our one and only mission this year: to do as little as possible and still graduate.
Which, I guess, means that we won't be intentionally trying to terrify the 1Ls, or convince a 2L to serve as our law clerk. That's not to say that we probably will still max out our absences, embark on drinking binges and still complain about life.

Here's to 257 days before graduation! (And yes, I do have it as a countdown clock on my Google Desktop tool).

A Bitch to Be Proud Of

A Moment of Silence Ya'll...

I know, it happened on Monday, but we really need to take a moment to reflect on one of our heroes. I know that Larceny and Calculating have shed a few tears over the passing of one of their greatest inspirations, Leona Helmsley. (Sandra Gay just liked her make up).

To the woman that we all aspire to be (especially John Roberts... well, he just aspires to be a woman...), we bid you a fond farewell. May we be the biggest bitches we can be in your memory.

Now and Then (Also a great Christina Ricci movie)

The LawBitches start back to school on Monday. Can you sense my excitement? Unfortunately, as our last year, it’s the last time we can have a flexible schedule and get to use work as an excuse to get out of school functions and school stuff to get out of work. It’s the last time I can legitimately take countless days off with no questions asked for no reason at all. I went to our school today to run some before school errands, and as I watched all the 1Ls going through their orientation, I realized the difference 2 years make, and how different my preparation (or lack thereof) for this year is from my 1L Year. To illustrate, here is a rundown of what I was doing at this time two years ago, and what I am doing now.

1L Year: Had already done all of the required readings for the first day of class

Now: Readings?

1L Year: Had purchased (like 3 weeks prior) all the required books (and even some recommended) BRAND NEW

Now: Oh right, books. Crap. First, attempted to see which of the LawBitches already had a book or two (Calculating was good enough to give up her Corporations book, and she only cried a little), then proceed to go online and find cheap used books, and get the cheapest available, regardless of highlighting/torn covers/blah blah who cares just get the damned book. Still can’t find two books, am considering just not reading them.

1L Year: Had the book list and assignments already printed out from my schedule

Now: My book list is on a post it. Somewhere. I actually couldn’t find it when I intended to go to the bookstore today, so I said screw it and assumed I’d figure it out. And when I say book list, I mean some random scratches on paper that would somehow direct me to the right books.

1L Year: Excited and anxious.

Now: Eh.

1L Year: Bought new pencils, pens, highlighters, folders, a portfolio and a date book.

Now: Well, I was at Target yesterday so I got colorful pens. I’m going to use them to write nasty notes to Lance Ito during Criminal Procedure and Swinging Kennedy and John Roberts during Corporations (well, when we’re not at the bar during that class).

1L Year: Set up my (new) laptop with various folders and programs for use at school (AIM and Google Chat were not included).

Now: I have an impressive collection of blog and game links. Oh, and celebrity gossip pages. What?

Other than the fact that this has made me realize just what a f-ing dweeb I was when I started first year, it also makes me wistful whenever I see one of our new 1Ls devotedly reading their first year books with gusto. They’re so cute. Of course, I see them reading and think, “Hey, I wonder when the first LawBitches happy hour of the year will be.”

Good luck 1Ls! (And download AIM immediately).

Bitched Out

Let me just start: "Sandra Gay is a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world." (sung in D-minor).

Now that I have that Cartman moment out of my way, I must inform our dear readers that Sandra Gay bitched out on me yesterday. As she is now practicing "Big Law," I have taken it upon myself to take her out and teach her how to take it like a man on the tennis court. It is, after all, an important legal skill to know how to lose gracefully to your Senior Partners.

But Sandra Gay, afraid of having her proverbial salad tossed on the tennis court, bitched out on me. Something about walking barefoot uphill both ways while it is snowing or some shit like that.

Well, Sandra, whenever you're ready, I'm here. I'll even bring the lube.

Formal Invitation

I know I'm new here, but I just can't let this opportunity pass us by: Karl Rove, I would like to officially invite you to join us here as a LawBitch.

I understand that you are going to have some free time on your hands, and we would love to engage your perspective here. We're snarky, sassy, disrespectful, and certainly have no respect for the law (well, most of us). You should fit in nicely. We understand that you haven't gone to law school, but you also have the unique perspective to understand what douche-bags most people with law degrees are: think about the Justice Department and most of the Judiciary Committee! We open this forum to you to dish on all those legal-eagles who obviously have to respect for this country and the authoritarian model upon which it is based.

Also, we talk about anal sex a lot. I mean, a LOT. Let us know.

Law School Institutes Socialized Health Care

It is indeed that time again. Classes begin in a few short weeks, and the gunners we work with have reminded us that, lest we get force-fucked with our textbooks, we had best buy them early to avoid paying full cost and wiping out our student loans in one fell-swoop.

So with that thought looming on our minds, we also just received a letter from our esteemed and thoughtful institution of learning: starting this year, all students will be required to have health insurance. For those who don’t have health insurance, never fear! The university will coerce you into paying their program. Just one catch: you can only receive services and prescriptions from a specified clinic… IN ANOTHER CITY!!!

Being industrious and not willing to spend almost $900 on an insurance program which I could almost certainly never use, I went online to price check, and found that other options available to me start at about $100 a month. Not gonna happen. I got hookers and meth to pay for.

Let me just say: to my fellow bitches whose clerkships provide them with health insurance because they are busy working for “the man,” when I come down with Tsitsi virus or extreme anal warts, I will be the first to share them with you.

Maybe, then, you can share your medication with me.

One Week Later

At this time last week I was having a bad day. To update:

I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but now I have a full-time offer in hand for after graduation, so I guess I know what I want to do for the next year or two.

I put all of my clothes on properly today.

I got out of jury duty.

Plus, I only have 4 days left of my summer job, and then almost two weeks off before it's back to school.

Really, the only thing I have to complain about right now (shocking, that there is only one thing, isn't it?) is that I'm taking the MPRE on Friday. Hopefully I can learn to be about 59% professionally responsible by then so that I can get a high enough score for the jurisdiction I want to practice in.

To the rest of you sitting for the MPRE in five days, good luck! And if you haven't started studying, check out this site for some help.