Only 7 Shopping Days Until Christmas

In a panic because you're a law student that won't have a chance to start your Christmas shopping until after finals (when there is only a mere 3 days left)? On a tight budget, because you didn't take out the extra loan money to cover holiday gifts? Here's a suggestion from the LawBitches (other than macaroni necklaces, of course) that will solve all of your inexpensive last minute gifts:

Because We Care

Pretty much every law student is either currently taking finals or has just finished them up. We know how shitty and draining finals can be, and since the staff here at There's No Competition is such a caring bunch, we thought we'd post some cute and cuddly pictures to cheer you all up.

The Lengths We'd Go To

During our study group meeting last night we were discussing just exactly what we would do to not have to take this business orgs exam this morning. The winner:

"I'd teabag Dick Cheney to not have to take my BA exam."

Yep, that's just about how much we do not want to do this!

To those considering going to law school


Law school is pretty much going to ruin your life, you are after all, working towards becoming an attorney. It's also going to cost you a big chunk of change in the process.

My suggestion would be that if you want to ruin your life and spend a lot of money doing it, pick up a hard drug habit. At least then you'll enjoy the trip to the bottom. I hear coke's a blast.

The Good News Is...

Our business organizations final is on Monday.

The best thing I heard all day week:
"Do you know of any statutes that govern general partnerships?"

Um... we only spent about a third of the semester reviewing the Uniform Partnership Act and the Revised Uniform Partnership Act.

So, yeah, at least I'm not going to be at the bottom of the curve...

Visual Metaphor for Finals

The video posting is usually left up to Roberts and Scalito, but this just seems to summarize how I feel during this time of the school year:

Struggle to get going, work hard to get it done, and then when you're finally taking the exam and think your hard work was worth it...

Timeline: Studying for Law School Finals The LawBitch Way

14 Days Before First Exam: Take a look at finals schedule. Realize you have two weeks before your first final. Spending time surfing the internet, looking at porn.

10 Days Before First Exam: Take a break from looking at online porn to open a word document and think about starting outlines. Stare at blinking cursor for two minutes. Go back to looking at porn online.

7 Days Before First Exam: Shut down your computer, it needs a break and so do you. Go to the bar. Stop at the liquor store on the way there and pickup a .175 of Captain.

5 Days Before First Exam: Get back from the bar. Sober up long enough to look at your notes. Realize they are absolute crap.

4 Days Before First Exam: Run to bookstore. Get lucky enough to snag the last copy of CrunchTime or Emmanuel’s off the shelves.

3 Days Before First Exam: Go back to the bar. Consume so much alcohol in three hours that you start a fight with someone twice your size, and mistakenly spill a drink down the front of the hostess’s shirt. Since you are no longer welcome at the bar, return home and open a new word document.

2 Days Before First Exam: Complain to all of your friends about how law school is bullshit and you haven’t had time to start your outlines yet because you’ve been so busy. Start re-typing CrunchTime/Emmanuel’s into a word document. Save as “outline.”

1 Day Before First Exam: Find Jesus.

Day of First Exam: Finish final 40 minutes early. Go into the bathroom and cut yourself.

Day after First Exam and before Second Exam: Start re-typing your commercial supplement for the next class into a new word document. Surf internet porn for an hour. Finish making your “outline,” doing a shot each time you type the word “reasonable.”

Day of Second Exam: Finish final 70 minutes early. Go home and cry self to sleep.

Day after Second Exam, oh wait, it’s the Day of Third Exam: get to school one hour before the exam. Photocopy the main pages of your commercial supplement. Staple together and write “outline” on the top (preferably in crayon, if available). Finish final in half the allotted time. Head to the bar. Stay there. Permanently. Who cares if you have any more finals?

Tip for the 1Ls

If you are drunk and absolutely have to show up to a randomly assigned study group for a class you don't read or take notes for, make sure it is for a subject area you routinely see at work so you can bullshit your way through. At least you will look better than the people who just sit there and nod.

Where Have You Guys Been?

A recent email:

How come the Lawbitches haven’t been posting? Where are you guys?
A concerned reader

Well, concerned reader(s), there definitely has been a lack of posting lately and for that we apologize, however we have been extremely busy. An update on the LawBitches is probably in order. Without further ado:

Lance has joined Be Sin Free.Org and in his quest to achieve “the next best thing to being a good person” is helping the Reverend deal with their trademark dispute.

Roberts dropped out of law school last week after attending Cirque du Soleil’s The Beatles – LOVE show in order to pursue his real dreams of honoring John, Paul, Ringo and George while wearing tights.

Sandra was so outraged over Kramer’s recent outburst at the Laugh Factory that she has joined the KKK ACLU and is now crusading against racist redneck bigots everywhere.

Along with winter comes an increase of accidents so it is a busy time for personal injury lawyers. As a law clerk for a large PI firm in town, Larceny has found herself doing double-duty: writing briefs, drafting memos and chasing ambulances. She was so busy running after an ambulance containing victims of a semi roll over that she broke the heel on her new Manolo Blahnicks.
**Update: Larceny's husband wasn't aware that she had Manolo Blahnicks until reading this post. His response: "Holy motherfuck! Those are $1565 shoes! I'll fix the heel with some duct tape."

Scalito has decided that his fame and fortune is not going to come from being an attorney, so he has decided to try make his fame by acheiving the World Record for the person to play games on Elmo's World continuously without a break and without going insane listening to Elmo's giggle. Although a bit blurry-eyed, he is going on 98 hours. Keep up the good work, Scalito. We're rooting for you!

After recent announcements about splits between Reese/Ryan, Britney/KFed and Pam/Kidd, Calculating has decided that if these celebs cannot make marriage work, then she will never be able to. She’s currently in the middle of a messy divorce. Good news is that it looks like she’s going to get custody of the cat.

Anita has gotten bored with this blog. Following the spirit of her two favorite blogs, Pink is the New Blog and, she is currently in the process of creating a new blog of her own. She's still trying to pick a name. The current forerunners are: "Only Losers Go To Law School. The Rest of the World Goes to the Beach," "On the Way To School Today Some Guy Exposed Himself To Me and Then Chased Me," "What Starts with F and ends in UCK?" "The Cheese Stands Alone." (Granted, none of these have been checked for copyrights -- Lance, get on that!)

The Reasonable Peep stopped paying attention in class about 12 weeks ago in favor of shopping online. Her habits for crystal ducks, Vermont teddy bears and Louis Vuitton diaper bags have caused her to run up a credit card bill of $17,000. She's gone into hiding in efforts to avoid the creditors hounding her. The rest of the LawBitches are planning an intervention.

Oh, and on top of all of this, there are oral arguments, drafting exercises, upperlevel papers, outlines to start, and finals to study for. So yeah, the bitches have been a little busy. I'm sure once we all get our personal affairs in order and start taking finals we'll certainly have more posting fodder. So stay tuned!

Law School has Ruined me as an Interesting Person

I traveled for the holiday, but since I'm on a law student's budget (and have been too busy to sell bodily fluids/redundant organs), I picked my flight based on price rather than convenience. This meant that on the way home, I ended up flying into a tiny little airport in the middle of Bumfuck, USA about a 1.5 hour car ride from home, rather than right to home.

Once I got to this tiny little airport I had to rent a car to make the drive home. I've always been pretty skeptical of companies asking me to sign contracts, as I see them pretty much as a way to make me hemorrhage money out my ass. But since I am now an OFFICIAL JUNIOR LAWYER™, I can now do something about it, and today I got my first chance.

After reading over the rental agreement, I noticed that the return date was listed as tomorrow, even though I would be returning the car today. However, the contract had a clause stating that if you returned the car early, your daily rate could go up. This set my anus aquivering, as it has a pretty good instinct of when it is about to get something forcibly inserted in it. I pointed these two things out to the rental agent. She said not to worry about it, as that clause is just there for multi-day agreements.

So here's how law school has ruined me as an interesting person. Instead of just taking the clerk at her word or even doing some crazy shit like ignoring the clerk and then bitching about how OMG BIG COMPANIES are out to screw the little guy, I had to make a feeble attempt to legally indemnify my ass. So after the clerk made her reasonable explanation, I of course had to say "well if it doesn't matter, would you mind if I just crossed this clause out and then we could both initial it?" Of course, since the clerk is a human being she didn't have a problem, I crossed out the clause, and we initialed away.

But it gets worse. Not only was I that LEGAL DICKHEAD GUY, but afterwards I was grinning like an idiot because I had applied something I learned in class in the real world. Thanks law school, you managed to make me into a nerdy dick.

TL;DR Version: law school has made me into an unapologetic anal retentive nerd.

The DMV is always entertaining

So, I had to go and get my driver's license today. You see, I have held on to my home state license like grim death. I love my home state (GO Bears), and have been trying to avoid changing it. And because I'm a student, I could for awhile. But now that I have a car that I bought with this state's plates, and have a house here, I guess it was time. I was not happy about it. After some pushing from asshusband, I went and got it today. And I met America's finest. Or should I say, this state's finest.

As I was standing in line, the woman running the information desk was trying to explain to this man that no, he could not drive with just a state ID, he needed a license. He kept asking, "but can't I just drive with ID." And she kept telling him no. At least 10 times. Then, a young girl failed the knowledge portion of the test and began freaking out after she got the results that it was "rigged." I'm not so sure I'll disagree with her, I had to take the test, some of those questions were pure bullshit. Then, a gentleman - okay, maybe gentleman is the wrong word - that had also failed the test decided that maybe he could get it to say he passed if he just hit on the DMV woman. Just a sidenote: a 20-something guy should not attempt to hit on a 60-something woman that's at least 35o lbs and is not happy to be there.

But my favorite moment of saying goodbye to my home state and becoming a resident of this state happened as I was leaving. Remember state ID guy? He left right before me, and I watched as he got into his car, and drove away. Priceless.

But as I said earlier, those tests are bullshit. Example from the test:

  • Driving in [State] is
    • a) A right all US citizens have
    • b) A right only [state] citizens have
    • c) Is a privilege and can be taken away from you
    • d) Is a privilege for only those in [state] who have a license from [state]

Any answers?

It All Started with a Box of Raisins

Only 623 days until we sit for the bar exam.

"Gurggle, grmmm," my stomach grumbled. I'm not sure if it was mad that I only had time to grab a granola bar earlier that day, or if it was tired from sitting in Wills and Estates. Being rather bored myself, I rummaged through my bag to see if I could find anything edible. Unearthing a box of California raisins, I turned back to the cover letter that I was working on. As I popped the first handful of raisins in my mouth, Scalito, who was sitting next to me doing his IP homework, gave me a quizzical look. I mouthed, "They are raisins. As in dried grapes."

He grabbed the box out of my hand, and pointed to the lettering near the top. In large capital letters it read, "BEST IF USED BY 24JUL2008."” He looked at me pointedly, "Two years?" I shrugged. Then he muttered, "I bet that'’s the day we take the bar."”

Clearly not paying attention in class -- who cares about the Rule Against Perpetuities? -- and having nothing better to do, I decided to look up the date. Scalito was off by 5 days. After informing him of the actual date, he added it to his calendar on his iBook and turned to me, "only 623 days until the bar."

So, yeah, now I have that to look forward to...

*Thanks a lot, Scalito. Prior to our exchange last night, my only infatuation with the bar was where I was going to go for happy hour tonight.

It's Not a Sandwich

-----Original Message-----
From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:24 PM
Subject: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

One, this makes me want to be a judge.
Two, didn't we talk about this in property when we were dealing with tenant law?
Three, I kind of want to go to Chipotle now.

From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:28 PM
Subject: RE: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Mmmmmmm…..Chipotle. Panera is a bunch of damned racists. Trying to get rid of the Mexicans. However, I enjoy their food as well.

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:28 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

I cannot believe how pissed I would be if I was that judge's clerk. It already feels like enough of a waste of time writing briefs for LS, but to actually have to find authority on what constitutes a fucking sandwich? I'm pretty sure I would stab someone in the eye.

From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Mon 11/13/2006 7:30 PM
Subject: RE: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

John, I'm going with that's gotta be a case of first impression. Wasn't there a case about tomatoes: vegetables vs. fruit?

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

If it's a case of first impression, its even worse, because then you would have to figure out how to cite Jimmy John's fucking menu in ALWD.

From: Lance Ito
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:31 PM
Subject: RE: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Couldn't you make the argument that a burrito is a "mexican sandwich?"

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:32 PM
Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Way to be all racist Lance.

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:35 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

What kills me is that they had to go to court over this. If I want carne asada I'm not going to go to Panera. Likewise, if I want a Sourdough breadbowl I won't be going to Chipotle/Taco Bell/Qdoba.

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:39 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Are you saying that Mexican people are too dumb to fashion a bowl made out of bread? That's racist, Calculating. You're lucky you didn't post such comments on Facebook

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:43 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Um, half of the people that work at Panera are Mexican. In San Diego, everyone who works at Panera is Mexican. So tell me, who makes the bread bowls there?

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:46 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

OMG, even more racist talk. How do you know all those people are Mexicans? Maybe they are from Spain, did you ever think of that???

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:50 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Oh, yeah, because there are a lot of Spanish, rather than Mexican, Hispanics in San Diego. And they all have legit social security numbers as well.

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:52 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Way to assume that all Mexicans are illegal immigrants, Calculating. I never knew that you were a Grand Wizard

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:01 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Not assumption. Empirical data. When was the last time you worked in a restaurant kitchen just over the border from Tijuana? And I didn't say they were all illegal, I just implied that not all of them are legal.

Geez, Roberts, even for you Grand Wizard is a bit harsh. I think you need to open your eyes to the other cultures. See how Dave Chappelle, for example, deals with this:

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:16 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

HOLY. SHIT. It is totally racist to assume that everyone who lives in Tijuana is a Mexican! I think Grand Wizard was quite apt.

What's next, are you going to tell me that you give people different numerical values based on the color of their skin???

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:16 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Hey now, did you watch the video?

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:17 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Yeah. Are you saying that under your hood you are really Mexican?

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:19 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Grand Wizard out.

If Only I Could Dance

I turned in my appellate brief this morning. As of today, I have completed all of my legal writing requirements for law school!

I should feel this amazing relief, right?

But yet, all I can think about is all of the stuff that I need to catch up on, or rather - in most cases - start doing.

All I could think all day was Here It Goes Again.

Two L Year--the Weird gets Weirder

Two L year, the weird gets weirder. Yes, school is easier. Why? Not because the work dies down but mainly because you just do not care as much about the minutiae. You know that if you are not 100% prepared for class you are going to survive. If you get called on and you have to say “uh..” and hang your head, who cares? Not you. Further, the grades. Whatever. You passed last year, you can pass the next two. Thus, life is a bit easier without the burden of trying to prove to everyone you deserve to be here. But, everything else gets busier and less fun.

For starters, instead of the constant “Wonder if I can do this?” going through your head, comes the burden of “will someone give me a chance to do this?” Enter on campus interviewing—a whole new level of self hate. And after you go through the ten plus interviews, couple call backs, no offers, you have to again prostitute yourself to the legal world, taking anything you can get. So great, after everyone tells you your first year, “oh don’t worry, you will get a job,” you cannot find a job, so the wonder comes back.

This is coupled with the fact that your lovely One L support system you had is now disseminated. No longer do you have classes with the same people on a daily basis. Some of your friends work a job on top of class, and you no longer see the familiar faces that got you through the hell that is the first year. You no longer know what is going on in their lives and vice versa, you feel left out in a way. So now what? You create bonds with your new classmates who are enduring similar classes, similar situations, you don’t take it personal, and you get through it. But, you feel bad, you miss your old friends, your buddies, the ones you vented and bitched with. You see them when you can and try to stay connected, but all and all its a lot less fun.

But, the silver lining of it all is, you survive. You look at the obstacles, the missing your friends, the self doubt, and you realize I got through this before and I am getting through this now. You can do it. You are surviving and you are learning. And, you are halfway done, which for me is more scary than exciting but I am sure come next semester these feelings will flip.

Really do work you harder, mentally, physically, and pull your emotions like taffy…

Absolutely Nothing to Do With Law School

Imagine my shock this morning when I logged on to Yahoo! to check my email and the headline read: "Actor Neil Patrick Harris says he is gay."

NPH, gay?

I had a crush on Doogie in junior high. I was going to grow up and marry him one day. (Well, at least that was the plan until I saw Christian Bale in Newsies, but I digress...) I don't remember him and Vinnie ever acting inappropriately on the show, but when I pulled up Doogie on Wikipedia this morning, this picture did kind of make me wonder. Maybe they were a little too good of friends... I mean, sharing the same stethoscope and all. But still.

NPH, gay?

The guy that was horny, high on X, and did coke off a hooker's ass in Harold and Kumar's car?

He's gay?

What next? Am I going to find that every schoolgirl crush I ever had was a farce? That I was simply falling in love with unattainable men? (Well, I mean really unattainable men...)

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, if there is any way that you are gay, all I ask is that for my sake and for the sake of girls (that were in their teens in the early nineties) nationwide, please, please, please stay in the closet. At least until the shock of NPH wears off.

Headline News

On the University-Wide Newsletter Today:

Library today: Vandalism in the library

A custodian recently found a copy of Ward Churchill's On the Justice of Roosting Chickens in a toilet in the men's restroom of the Library. The book had been taken from the library's New Books area and was dropped intentionally in the toilet.

This book and its author are controversial, but anyone hoping to deny the community of the possibility of reading it will be disappointed – the library will replace the book as soon as possible. The libraries hold the freedom to read as one of our highest values. To quote from the American Library Association Freedom to Read statement: "We, as individuals devoted to reading and as librarians and publishers responsible for disseminating ideas, wish to assert the public interest in the preservation of the freedom to read."

This, folks, is headline news at the University. Oh, the injustice. It's nice to know that the librarians support our first amendment rights to read though...

My husband is an ass

Okay, it's out there. Larceny Bitch is married. Yes, married. And you may wonder, "who would marry this chick?" The answer apparently, is an ass.

This ass wanted me to post on the blog what little "Halloween joke" he played on his wife because he contends it was funny and thinks others will agree. I contend he was an ass. Here goes:

So, asshusband and I were sitting watching Heroes (I love that show BTW) and he said, "so you know [new guy]? He asked the guys at work today if we all wear costumes on Halloween. So we told him yeah, you know just to see if he shows up in a costume. Cause that would be funny."

I reply, "That is so freakin' mean! Then he'll be all embarrassed, how mean is that. Poor [new guy.]" So I shake my head and go get a beer or something. Then I came back and asshusband says, "Well, you know what I just told you, I was just kidding, I totally told him it was a joke and we don't really wear costumes."

I said, "yeah right." He says, "No really, why don't you ever believe me?!" All huffy-like.


I get an email from [new guy] where he says, "I just want you to know what a wonderful person you married, I showed up in a purple pimp suit today, and had a big meeting."

I email asshusband and say: "You are a horrible liar." He responds, "Yeah, but it was really funny to see him show up all dressed up and everyone else in their work clothes." This goes on for about an hour where I call him mean and evil. THEN:

"Okay, now I have to tell you. This has all been a joke. [new guy] and I just thought we'd let you believe that he showed up in costume and I told him that to see if you'd get mad and if you'd really believe that. He didn't really show up in a costume. And I told him we were joking when we said we all wore costumes. It was just a prank to see if you'd get mad."

Which I did, cause he's an ass and pulled a prank on his wife.

See? Ass. Pulls a prank on his own wife. With someone I've never actually met. And he wonders why I never believe him. Then I tell John Roberts, who laughs for like 5 minutes about it. And when I tell asshusband about that he goes, "See, I figured someone would see the humor in it! It's funny."

So, funny? Or ass?

To Be a Law Student. Sigh.

A recent conversation:

Calculating: Get this, I was fooling around on Westlaw the other day (instead of doing brief research) and there is a Schmuck v. US. Guess what Mr. Schmuck does?

John: LOL

Calculating: He's a used car distributor.

John: Ha!

Calculating: I thought that was pretty good

John: Yes. But I think what is quite sad about law students is that "fooling around on Westlaw" is considered normal procrastination/entertainment time.

Calculating: Well, I had been looking for something for my brief, then Scalito said something about a schmuck so I was quick to see if I could find a case where it was used.

John: Sure, blame Scalito. We all know you are the Westlaw queen

Calculating: Of course

John: Ah

Calculating: Well then he did start laughing at me for my willingness to so easily distracted... Alright, alright. I lead a sad, sad life

John: Don't we all? I can't wait to be done with law school. Although then I will have to be a lawyer, so maybe rushing through isn’t such a good idea.

Among Good Company

Is it a bad thing that it warms my heart when I see that several people now have found our blog by means of Googling "Law school fucking sucks"?

And we're among good company. The other two blogs that contain that exact term are:

Who Needs BarBri?

In an effort to get a jump on things, I've decided to start practicing for the Bar Exam.

My first practice question:

Frances and Georgette were friends who on January 7 formed a general partnership at will to operate a coffee shop. Each contributed $10,000 in cash.

Due to Frances' and Georgette's negligence, Customer was injured on the partnership premises while doing business with the partnership on January 21.

On March 31, Frances and Georgette admitted another friend, Harry, to the partnership upon his contribution of $10,000 cash to the partnership.

On June 1, Customer filed a lawsuit naming the partnership and each of the partners as defendants. Fully analyze and discuss the legal issues presented here.

My answer:

I'm spent.

I Never Cried Before Law School

I'm 26 years old and for the first time in my life I just really want to run away from home:

Period of 14-OCT-06 to 22-OCT-06
Time Sheet for Calculating Bitch
Working on upperlevel paper...............61.25 hrs
Researching for appellate brief...........8.50 hrs
Doing stuff for student government........4.25 hrs
Authority Checks for law review...........5.50 hrs
Catching up on reading missed in the last 6 weeks.... 5.75 hrs
Starting outlines/study tools for classes............ 7.75 hrs
Working Job #1............................9.25 hrs
Working Job #2........................... 8.50 hrs
Cleaning my house for the 1st time this semester..... 6.25 hrs
Going to class............................0.00 hrs
Drinking.................................15.50 hrs
Prepping for class my 3 classes on Monday...... ...... 4.25 hrs

Total Hours Worked......................136.75 hours
Total Billable..........................17.75 hours

What this really means:
  • Only 218 hours has passed since my last class ended, and an average of 8 hours of sleep a night would put me at 138 available working hours.
  • No wonder my husband complains that I'm never around.
  • At least having a week off from class has allowed me to get 8 hours of sleep a night.
  • In all fairness, most of the drinking was done while writing and researching, so I'm guilty of double-billing on that account.
  • My billables versus hours worked amount to a productivity rate of about 13%.
  • I should have drank A LOT more than I did this last week.
  • Instead of returning to school after a week off feeling refreshed I feel even more burnt out.
  • 2L year they really do work you to death.
  • Running away from home at this point wouldn't even help...
  • How many more weeks until this semester year is over?

An Open Letter to our Legal Writing Profs

To Whom It May Concern (which is probably no one, but I haven't bitched for at least a week now, so I'm due):

One of the main reasons that I decided to come to this particular law school is because we get a week off halfway through Fall Semester. As far as I know, no other law school does that. (No other law school gives midterms, either, but that is another story.)

As a 1L, my fall break was spent trying to recover from midterms by sitting in the library slaving over my memo every day. My spring break was spent much the same, although it was a summary judgment motion that semester.

In my naiveté, I some how thought that 2L year would be different. My fall break would be spent vacationing in some exotic locale as the weather in law school state turned colder. Um, no. I should have know that once again I'd be a slave to an effing legal writing assignment.

To my legal writing prof -- thanks a lot for throwing that appellate brief at us last week! To the prof supervising my upperlevel paper, I know I'm the only one to blame for this not being done six weeks ago, and I promise I'll have it to you by the end of the week...

To the other lawbitches that are not currently taking legal writing or working on their upperlevel requirement, enjoy your spring break. Since I'll be done with all of my writing requirements by the end of this semester, I will be thinking of you as I sit on a beach somewhere, downing shots of tequila as you are bent over your computer in one of the cold corners of the library. Don't worry, I'll drink one for you.

To everyone else that doesn't go to our law school and get a week off halfway through fall semester, I know I should have sympathy for you. But I don't. (And admitting otherwise would only detract from my bitch status.) Sucks to be you!

Larceny's itinerary so far for Fall Break...

Okay, so as you all know, we get one week off for Fall Break. It freaking rocks. Also, tax class was cancelled last Friday, and since that is my only class of the day, I was done and ready for break Thursday night. My itinerary was as follows:

Thursday at 5: Break begins.

Thursday at 7: I have had my second mojito. And the significant other wasn't even home yet. Yup, drinking alone. Hey, the cat was there. That counts.

Thursday at 9: 4th mojito, and 1 beer. The beer was given to me by the hubby. So he is an enabler.

Thursday at 10: Passed out.

Friday at noon: Woke up.

Friday at 6: Started drinking 'Vodka Stillworks.' Yummy.

Friday at 9: Started wondering if I should get more booze for tomorrow, since i was almost out. The weekend is young.

Friday at midnight: Passed out.

Saturday: Two Jack and Cokes at a wedding. Then had to stop since I was sober cab(sigh). Luckily, I had 3 hours to sober up. Weddings are long when there is no alcohol.

Sunday at 11am: Went to the in-laws, where mother-in-law gave me lots of wine. She's an enabler too.

Sunday at 5pm: Went home. Made 'Big Gingers.'

Sunday at 7pm: At this point, I went to Vodka Tonics. Nothing is on TV, really a problem for my drunken need to criticize people on tv. Oh, some soap opera thing at night with bad acting. Is that Bo Derek? And Morgan Fairchild? Man, she looks good. Can't criticize her looks.

Sunday at 10pm. Stopped drinking. Hey, I had to work Monday.

I know I sound like an alcoholic, but hey I know lots of cocktail recipes if anyone wants them. Also, it's my Fall Break. I'll be writing an appellate brief the rest of the week, and sadly can't drink during that. Well, maybe........................

If This Ain't the Truth...

Someone recently found our blog via means of this:

If that is not justice against our two swear-by-Mac bloggers, Roberts and Scalito, then I don't know what is...

Oh, wait. The email I received from John Roberts after sending him the above image is:

From: John Roberts
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 9:39 AM
To: Calculating Bitch
Subject: Re: This Proves It All

Well it appears karma is a bitch then, because this snooty mac owner
is heading to the Apple Store today to turn my fucking laptop in for
service. In fact, I tried to respond to this email last night, when
my MacBook randomly shutdown again.

You may all now point and laugh.

Who's the snooty computer owner now? IBM all the way, baby!

Ah, the Callback...

What kind of questions are you supposed to ask at a callback interview?

1. How much do you pay?

2. Can I surf for porn at work?
3. What criteria will I be evaluated against?
4. What processes are in place to help me manage the workload as a busy law student?
5. Do I get a free "Booze of the Month" club membership?
6. Sex on my desk. Kosher?
7. What is something you wish you would have known about the firm before you accepted your position?
8. What is your favorite thing about working for the firm? Your least favorite?
9. I have a slight drinking problem and huge gambling problem. I might miss work occassionally because I'll be on 15 hour benders at the casino. However, I'll always spend the following 24 hours in the office making up my lost time. Do you forsee this as being a problem?
10. Can you tell me how your firm governance is set up? How are officers chosen?
11. If you died and were re-incarnated as a character on "The Loveboat," who would you be?

As long as you use at least 5 of the above 11 you'll definitely get an offer.

This is why I work here, Part II

The LawBitches get a week off for fall break next week. We cannot be held accountable for our actions if we decide to sleep all day, or drink all day and therefore “drunk-blog.”

Okay, so as some of you may remember, the lawyers I work for are known for being pretty tough in the personal injury world, which also makes them hilarious. Today I was running around at work trying to get a motion filed. At the same time, there was a huge deposition going on that involved several defendants, I think it was about a fight at a party or something where a kid got hurt, I don’t know, not my case = I don’t care. So I was walking by the meeting room on the second floor where our files are when I walked past the following conversation between two (presumably anyway) defendants sitting in the waiting area outside the meeting room who were talking extremely loudly and surrounded by several other people waiting for various things and paralegals running past them (so you can see they were really smart):

Defendant 1: Where the f--- is the bathroom?

Defendant 2: (shrugs)

(Please note, they were standing about 4 feet across from a door that said “Men” in bold letters)

Defendant 1: Why does that bitch keep asking me questions?

Defendant 2: Well, I think that’s her job.

Defendant 1: Well, her job should be as a secretary or something. (Name of defendant’s lawyer, who is male), now he’s a freaking lawyer.

Defendant 2: I’m pretty sure she’s a lawyer.

Defendant 1: Yeah, but she’s not really one. She’s just one to make lawyers look good, like “we’re not sexist” or some shit.

Defendant 2: Well, if she’s just there to look good, how come you whined as soon as she asked you to explain why you told the cops you punched him and then changed your story.

Defendant 1: ………….

Defendant 2: Well, that “secretary” just kicked your ass then huh?

At this point, Lawyer1 (yes, this Lawyer 1), who is not involved in this case walks by and said, “You’re not too smart there are ya buddy?” And kept walking.

Winding Down?

So there has been some talk here amongst the LawBitches about taking the blog down. Anonymity is practically nonexistant as more people at our school are figuring out that we go here (which is not hard) and then narrowing it down to the usual suspects.

Are we scared of being outed? Not entirely, but the fact that some certain people know about us is making us a bit squeamish. The real question is, then, if we shut down now are shutting down only because we're scared? And what kind of backlash could we possibly expect from being outed?

While our actions have not always entirely been above the line, we made it a rule early on that no personal shots were allowed regarding our school or the students here (with the exception of shots at fellow bloggers, of course). Some people may find us offensive in one manner or another, but we have never really intentionally tried to alienate any one type of person or demographic (well, with the exception of those employed by the IRS -- but really, the IRC is terribly written so that attack is justified). Given this, would us winding up just be seen as a panic response?

We're law students. We study the Constitution. We, out of all people, should understand First Amendment rights.

The LawBitches: By the Numbers

  • Two members participated in the intramural moot court competition.
  • Two members are co-directors of the same student organization.
  • Two are involved in clinical programs. (The externship type, not the mental kind).
  • Two members are on law review.
  • Two are on student government/SBA.
  • Eight of the nine are working during their 2L year.
  • Two studied abroad this summer.
  • Two took summer classes on campus.
  • Five worked as research assistants at school some point over the summer.
  • Four worked in firms over the summer.
  • One worked for the DA over the summer.
  • Six are married.
  • Five own houses.
  • One has a kid.
  • Two have dogs.
  • Four have cats.
  • Nine are drunks.
  • Three are smokers.
  • Zero are prude. (Prude is a relative term, mind you).
  • Five are in the same fantasy football league.
  • Two play on the hockey team.
  • Five went to undergrad in the same state as law school.
  • Of the five, two went to the same school during the same time but did not know each other, and two went to the same school but during different times.
  • The oldest is 35, the youngest is 23.
  • The average Lawbitch age: 27.
  • Nine have fairly twisted senses of humor.
  • Three live in urban areas.
  • Six live in the suburbs.
  • Between the 9, they grew up in 4 different states.
  • One has a doctorate.
  • Two graduated from undergrad the semester before they started law school.
  • One has put an arm up a cow's ass.
  • Eight hate tax.
  • One had perfect attendance first semester of 1L year, but now maxes out the absences in all classes. (Dissent from the aforementioned LawBitch: Two of my classes do not even have a maximum number of absences, so by definition I cannot max out my absences)
  • One has slept with half of a soccer team (And claims to be a prude, contrary to the earlier fact).
  • Two were computer network/programming geeks prior to law school.
  • One absolutely loves cheese. Like, as in, she'd marry it if that wasn't illegal in at least three states.
  • Eight are truly bitches in one way or another.
  • Five participated in OCI. (Well, one only went to the reception and drank the free booze).
  • Two were on Dean's list first semester only to fall off second semester. (It should be noted, however, these two are still extremely intelligent and overall remain in the top of the class.)
  • Three have gym memberships....... and contrary to popular belief all three actually use them. Or so they claim.

Moot Court: Law school's way of making you choose your death

So, John Roberts and myself were involved in moot court competition this past weekend here at our school. It was awful. Basically, John Roberts and I agreed that the problem was fairly boring, and that way too many of our classmates had spent weeks on this thing, and seeing as how I'm sure our fair readers are aware of the fact that we would not have done so, we questioned why we even entered in the first place. Especially since the competition went until 8pm on a Friday and through to the following Saturday. With long periods of us all sitting around and waiting in between. At one point, I stated that if I made it through to the next round, I would either cry uncontrollably, or kill myself. And then I thought, well there are probably several ways of dying that are much better than going through moot court competition. I'm not kidding. For example:

1) Stoning
2) Guillotine (at least it would have been quicker than the slow death of sitting through moot court)
3) I can't remember what it's called, but I heard during the Salem witch trials that they would take "witches" and attach their legs and arms to things that would pull them apart. Quartering maybe? That.
4) Alcohol poisoning.
5) I'm pretty sure that there are many more.

Needless to say, as they came into the room to announce who made it through the next round, I started praying, "please don't let it be me, please not me." I didn't even hear who did make it, just that my name was not involved. To which I stood up, looked at those sitting around me and stated, "Awesome. Time for a beer. Who's with me." Let it be known that I had to avoid alcohol for the previous two nights so as to not smell like a liquor store when I was arguing. But at that point, my goal WAS to smell like a liquor store. And in the quickest amount of time possible. So you see, moot court is fun. Why John Roberts and I insist on involving ourselves in school activities still, I do not know.

It's Not Like We Pay Attention

Seeing as how we are now such highly educated 2Ls and can address the tough issues with sensitivity and understanding, a recent survey here at There’s No Competition decided to ask the LawBitches a hard hitting question:

What are your favorite classroom distractions?

Lack of Motivation

WTF is Wrong with the People who Wrote the Federal Income Tax Code?

So I am doing my Federal Income Tax homework, and like every other time, it is some tedious shit. The homework pretty much involves looking up different sections of the code in our book. Our book consists of a "pared down" version of the federal income tax code. Even though it is pared down, it still comes in around 12,000 pages.

So as I am doing the homework, I am having to flip back and forth through the book from section to section, and I wonder why in the holy fucking hell do I have to jump hundreds of pages back and forth to deal with one subject instead of having all the rules for that subject listed together (or maybe even just 50 pages apart)?

My guess is that the people who wrote the code are either:
a) stroke survivors barely capable of wiping themselves
b) people who think that scavenger hunts make "great team building exercises"
c) people so fucking sick that they still wouldn't use their safeword even though their cock ring got twisted so far their testicles just blasted out the bottom of their scrotum

a) is right out. Sure, the authors are government employees so you expect bottom of the barrel types, but even the government has standards (unlike say, Paris Hilton).

b) is also out, because people who believe in "great team building exercises" torture people in the private sector as middle managers.

That leaves c) as the only option, which if you think about it makes sense. If you don't start out as a sick fuck when you get a job writing the tax code, you certainly will end up one by the time you finish. I guess they should rename it the IRS&M.

The fight.......

No complaining (dicta), we've already posted twice keep reading (below this post) we meet a Supreme Court the meantime....we fight.

Over here at the LawBitch’s school, we had an “incident.” This “incident” made it around the school in less than 24 hours. Let’s just say, we’re pretty sure this 1L is gonna want to transfer schools. Here’s the story (at least the version heard by the LawBitches).

So a couple of 3Ls and 2Ls were in a study room in the library. An important thing to know is that our school has several floors, only one of which is noise friendly. The rest of them are “quiet zones.” So, the 2L and 3L group was hanging out on one of these quiet zone floors, in a study room. They were talking, hanging out, doing the usual 2L/3L stuff (i.e. not studying, cause we don’t really care anymore.) So anyway, a 1L, yes a 1L, walked up to one of the 3Ls and started yelling in his face to shut up, screaming at him that this was “a quiet zone!” Then, the 1L ran over to the librarian and told the librarian that a bunch of other students were being too loud. So the 3L went over to him and apparently a few of his little 1L friends who were also upset and said (and this is not verbatim) “I’m sorry if we upset you guys, but this is where we have always hung out, we’ve been here for a few years, and it’s what we’ve always done. We didn’t mean to upset you.” To this, the 1L walked up to the 3L and proceeded to scream in his face, all the while calling him various names, such as “trust fund baby.” The 3L, in ever-calm, I could care less 3L fashion, just stood there and calmly tried to get the 1L to calm down.

It apparently got quite heated, and the 1L was in the 3L’s face and yelling. Eventually, another friend of the 3L came between them, turned to the 1L and said fairly calmly, “Look, back off or I will break your skull.” To which the 1L went and told the dean that some students were “being mean to him,” and had “threatened him.” Yes, very mature, go tell "your mommy."

No, the LawBitches were not in the group, I was not the one that threatened him (although it does seem to fit my personality, I know). No one really knows who the 1L is, but we mean to find out. Because the next day, the school sent out an email to the entire student body that we needed to “respect one another” and “remember the quiet zone.” So the 2Ls and 3Ls are walking around in the library saying “Better be quiet, a 1L might kick your ass.” And then laughing hysterically. The kid might want to change schools. Just a thought

Nothing Like a Free Lunch

-----Original Message-----
From: The Dean
Subject:Tomrrow's Events with Justice Scalia

Dear students,

As you recall, the [law school] is hosting the Formal Investiture of our [one of the former professors] who has just been appointed [as a federal judge]. One of the guests and speakers at the Investiture will be United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia….

Noon to 12:30 pm – Buffet luncheon served on the first floor. Those who wish to attend Justice Scalia’s talk should go through the buffet line promptly at 12 noon, eat your lunch in the auditorium style seating, and await Justice Scalia’s arrival. The buffet line will close by 12:30, so that everyone from the community will be seated when I introduce Justice Scalia. My strong suggestion is to get into the buffet line as close to noon as possible…

Minutes after this email was sent the following conversation ensued:

The Reasonable Peep: a) I love that he spelled tomorrow wrong; and b) who wants to go and meet before hand? Say first floor at 11:45 so we can be at the front of the buffet line?

Anita: I'll see your buffet line at 11:45 and raise you a breadstick. A bird told me that Scalia refused to be flown back commercially, instead insisting on a private jet. I'm not saying anything, just thought it was interesting......

Larceny: Wouldn’t you insist on a private jet if you could? That would be sweet.

Clarence Thomas: Im in… Don’t forget your rainbow buttons… Oh, and don’t worry, I’ll have plenty of extras on hand.

John Roberts: rainbow buttons? gaaaaaay. what's next? rearranging our closets because winter is coming? ;-)

Clarence Thomas: LOW BLOW! (and not in a good way) … What John… Were you rooting around in my closets while you were at my apartment? Creep.

John Roberts: if by rooting around in your closets you mean smelling your underwear while i touch myself, then yes

Clarence Thomas: Id like my key back now, please.

John Roberts: it's on your table, along with some money for the pair of undies i kept

Larceny: Ahhhhhhh……friendship.

Lance: I'll be there as well...

Anita: Lance, I'm not sure if you meant you'll be at the Scalia thing or that you'll be on Clarence’s table, along with the money?!?!!!?

Larceny: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Anita you are my hero for the day

Lance: I earmuffed that whole conversation...I'm thinking pure thoughts in anticipation of Scalia. :)

Clarence Thomas: You just want to get under those robes and get some Italian Sausage loving

John Roberts: mmmm, spicy, i mean bitter

Lance: I'm sooo looking forward to you being called a and your "homosexual agenda..." If you can get Scalia to call you a will be my hero

Larceny: I dare someone to stand up to ask Scalia a question and bring up Italian Sausage. It can be as an example. “Justice Scalia, say I eat an Italian Sausage and choke on it….”

So a Supreme Court Justice comes to visit. You'd think we'd be a little more mature. But no.

Tonight's Class

I love rappers, they think up the best stuff

This post on Tyler Durden pretty much made me laugh out loud while I should have been writing a summary judgment motion.

Honestly now. No, seriously. You would think no one is dumb enough to seriously believe this. But oh yes, they do. Once, when I was in high school, a girl I knew found out that her boyfriend had gotten a girl pregnant at a party that he had not invited her to (Hm-wonder why.) So when she broke up with him, he pleaded with her that she had raped him. How you ask? He was much more clever than ol' DMX. He said, "well, we were hanging out in [Random hs guy who always threw the parties] bedroom, and we were just talking, and all of a sudden she straddled me. Before I knew it, she was having sex with me." Ah yes, somehow, she was able to get onto you, take off your clothes, and have sex with you, all while you (an ex-football player and wrestler) just laid there motionless. Consider this: DMX has been arrested like, a gajillion times for various crimes. He's not exactly a gentle, quiet, frightened man if you know what I mean.

So this brings me to the only thing I actually remember from Crim Law (and to be honest, I don't remember much, so I'm pretty impressed with myself), to have rape you must have 1) sex, with 2) force and 3) without consent. I'm guessing ol' DMX only fits under number 1. Maybe No. 2 if she likes it rough. I am willing to concede however that this might be a situation a la Kobe Bryant, and bitch is just trying to compete and get herself a 9 carat diamond ring. Then when she and Vanessa get together to discuss their husband's transgressions, she will totally make other bitch jealous. And that people, is what it's all about in rich-ville. That, and the alimony/divorce settlements. (When it comes to screwing people over and fighting over money - Lawyers are always involved)

Julia Roberts Was of No Help, So I Googled It...

So this is by no means a substitute for a real post and I hate only posting this "hey-look-what-I-found-on-sitemeter" bullshit, but seeing this search made me laugh aloud:

"How To Be a Good Prostitute"

Which makes me wonder:
1) Who searches for this type of thing?
  • A pimp looking for an article to give to his girls?
  • A whore who was told that she sucked at her job?
  • A desperate husband hoping to give some pointers to his wife?
  • A poor law student thinking about becoming an escort?
2) What exactly are they looking for?
  • Basic Instructions: how to turn a trick?
  • Marketing Techniques: how to target rich men in classy cars
  • Management Techniques: how to master your street corner?
  • Maximizing Profits: how not to turn all of your money over to your pimp and the IRS?
3) Why does our site come up under this search?
  • This is purely rhetorical, for I actually know where this search ends on our site. In our responses to What We Want to Be When We Grow Up we apparently have all of these words. Yep, I'm glad that ambition, class, and grace aren't holding us back.
So I've decided to write a book. It's going to be called "How to Screw the IRS."

White collar criminals and fiscal conservatives will be disappointed because its not about how to get out of paying taxes. It's all about how dirty Tax is.

The Table of Contents

Chapter 1: How to get out of an audit by showing off your "assets"

Chapter 2: "Where Does the IRS get off?"

Chapter 3: Discharges, _____ and more.

More on the difference between 1L and 2L years

As a 1L, you were terrified of law school to the point that you thought law school might actually kill you.

As a 2L, those 1L fears are gone. You know that law school isn't lethal, and with that knowledge your hope of escape/release vanishes. All that is left is a grim certainty that law school is shit, and the only tool you have at your disposal is a spoon.

Open up and say "ahh."

Instead of Doing My Tax Homework This Morning...

Things I learned this morning while perusing through our sitemeter:

Alright, enough procrastinating. I need to go read the Internal Revenue Code, and I'm sure that you have some homework that you should be doing instead of reading this -- or perhaps a class that you should be paying attention to?

This is why I work here

So, I'm sitting in my cubicle, happily researching on Westlaw (because, as I believe I have mentioned earlier, Lexis sucks) and this is what I hear, not 2 feet from my area, and loudly enough for anyone in a one mile radius to hear:

Lawyer 1: Where the f*&k is this goddamn witness, is she trying to piss me off?

Investigator: Well, the last time I talked to her she was pretty unfriendly, something about how she didn't like lawyers.

Lawyer 1: Of course she doesn't like lawyers, she goes around hitting people with her car every time her stupid-a** gets drunk and she gets sued. F*%kin' aye - duh you trashy b&*ch.

Investigator: Yeah, but now she won't answer her door or her cell.

Lawyer2: Well, did you look through the window, is she dead?

Investigator: No, there were curtains. I'm pretty sure she's not dead though, her TV turned off the minute I knocked on the door.

Lawyer1: You tell that mother-f*%king bi*&h that if she doesn't get her fat a#@ into this goddamned deposition on her own, I'm going to subpeona her lumpy a@#. And she won't like that. Cause then I'm going to make her so f&*king sorry - I will make her life a living mother-f$%king hell, I will drag her into court every mother-f&*king chance I get, I will track down family members, I will go to her f*&king job. She will see my face every f*$king chance she turns a corner, and I will find her.

Lawyer 2: Well, you mean Investigator will track her down, go to her job, and follow her everywhere.

Lawyer 1: Yeah well...

Investigator: So does this mean I can call her a lumpy a#* to her face? Cause if that's the case, I'm cool with it.

(Expletives were cleaned up for the sake of my virgin eyes, my ears already had enough this morning)

Fresh Meat

Since Larceny already teased the story I might as well finish it. So Mrs. Ito also is in school, but thankfully for her it is not law school. As I was dropping her off this morning, before coming to this glorious law school, this is what transpired.

Mrs. Ito opened her car door, from an obviously parked car, and proceeded to have a helmeted bicyclist come crashing into the open door. The bicyclist, the bike, and the door appeared to be unscathed. I looked at Mrs. Ito, she was very concerned, I, on the other hand, was trying my hardest not to laugh. And then it dawned on me, what if I get sued? God, I hate what law school is doing to me...

Damn you Lance Ito

So, it looks like the sumabit#@ may have gotten me sick. I walked into Tax and Lance Ito looked like crap. I had noticed a faint scratchy throat this morning, so I asked him if he was okay and he says to me, "I'm sick." Ah, shit. Lance Ito and I spent lots of quality time together last week because he took pity on me because tax law is the bane of my existence and he was trying (in a valiant effort I might add) to explain it to me. So, I'm sure I'm gonna get it. Shoot, shoot, double shoot. Doesn't my body know I don't have time to get sick. I will add that at one point, while Lance was trying to teach me Tax Law, Lance told me to read him the question and when I got to reading the number $432,347 or something of a combination like that I read it all wrong and he said, "Geez Larceny, no wonder you can't do math, you can't even read numbers." So what I say? If any of you all got somethin' to stay about my math skillz, you can shove it! (I mean that lovingly). I realize I probably test for math at the 9 year old level.

However, I think Lance got sick as karma for almost trying to kill a bicyclist with his car door this morning. Damn bicyclists, can't they see that Lance had places to be? That's not as bad though as Sandra Gay wishing they didn't count as pedestrians so she could run them off the road.

Also, because it made me happy: John Robert's never-fail, always superior, blah blah blah Mac - it failed today. He had to reboot. That's my present to you PC people.

Being a 2L Licks my Taint

Day: Saturday
Time: 9:00 pm
Number of Friends Online Presumably Doing Law School Related Bullshit (Including Me): 6

What a lovely Friday morning

So apparently, this is what 2Ls do to entertain ourselves now that we're bored with the 1Ls: I am currently sitting in a study area with my "good" blogger friends Lance Ito and John Roberts. And what is the discussion at hand?
This, this, and this.
You are warned, these things are freaking disgusting. Oh, and Lance Ito and John Roberts are highly amused by the looks on my face. I'm not going to be able to sleep for weeks thinking about those little pinworms and their apparent admiration for the anus. And what the hell, they're not even in some small, 3rd world country, they're right here in North America. Note to self: when you have plans to study, and actually get some work done (i.e. actually read for a class for once) DO NOT sit with John and Lance when they have access to the internet and are intent on grossing each other out.

Also, I hate Tax Law.

Top Ten Things To Do During Wills & Trusts To Keep From Stabbing Yourself in the Eye with Your Pencil...

  1. Use Microsoft Paint to make your own rendering of the prof.
  2. Scream “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!,” jump off the desk, roll down the stairs, and belly crawl out the door.
  3. Write your own will.
  4. Keep a bottle of Jager next to your laptop and pass it down the row every time anyone says “testator” or “decedent.”
  5. Masturbate.
  6. Use your remote control on your iBook to mess with the person who has a Mac in the row in front of you. Keep changing their modes and watch as they get more confused and frustrated as class goes on.
  7. Stick a popsicle in your ass.
  8. Throw M&Ms at the moron in class who feels the need to reiterate what the prof just said.
  9. Do work for one of your “real” jobs. (If this is not a desk job then feel free to practice your pole tricks. No one will even be awake enough to notice.)
  10. Create a top ten list with the fellow bloggers also suffering through the class with you.

Between Sandra Gay, Scalito and myself we are willing to do everything on this list throughout the duration of this class in order to keep ourselves from falling asleep. After class the other night we can cross #6, #8, #9 and #10 off of the list. [Well, two of seriously considered doing #8, but we didn't want to waste the M&Ms that we were eating.] Given that this class will meet 23 more times this semeter means that we may have to create another list...

Our School is Infested with Vermin

No, I'm not talking about the 1Ls, or even some of the more insidious 2Ls. I'm talking about rodents.

I was down in the basement of the library when I saw a mouse sized shadow flit across the aisle and dart under one of the stacks.

Needless to say I screamed like a little girl and lept onto the nearest table. All man baby.

Okay, seriously

Is it just our school, or does every law school blast the fucking air conditioner so that I am freezing all day that I am here. I mean people, it's about to get inappropriate here. There are lots of girls in this school, and some who believe that law school is the perfect time to wear that sheer halter top. Can we do something about this please?


PS: Again, while I have nothing against 1Ls, as not long ago I was one, I do not appreciate the 1Ls who are taking their time figuring out the parking ramp. If one more 1L cuts me off in the ramp because they come down the wrong way and then freak out when they see that the are about to hit me, I am going to post some instructions.

A little contest on a Thursday morning

Now that we're back in school, the stories and law school amusements are finally back. Which means I finally have something to blog about again. (Did ya miss me? Come on, you know you did).

Anyhoo.....I have a little competition for everyone this Thursday morning. The very first day of our Tax class I did not sit with my fellow bitches. I walked into class about 2 mins. before class started (look, it seemed much wiser to get that extra half hour of sleep, what did it matter, it was just the first day of classes). So anyway, I ended up sitting in an area surrounded by people I don't necessarily associate with on a regular basis. To amuse myself while the prof. discussed exemptions (which I'm sure Calculating was drooling at the time) I looked around at those sitting around me and looked at what they were looking at on their computers. Yes I'm nosy. If I wasn't, I would have nothing to entertain you all with. Here is what was on the monitors (please note, that this was immediately after the prof told us his computer-usage policy of no internet, no email, no games and no IM):

1) Guy to my immediate left: Website for shoes. (I thought only chicks did this, but whatever).

2) Guy immediatly next to him on the left: Fantasy Football webpage (I understand Lance Ito also has an obsession with this thing called Fantasy Football) to which he kept swearing under his breath every few minutes.

3) Guy immediatly in front of me: I kid you not, 10 IM windows. Now, that's just impressive. He should get a JD degree just for being able to manage all that. He was typing and switching screens like a madman.

4) Girl to my immediate right: Two windows - Her notes page, to which she was taking very thorough notes and listening intently (no, it was not Calculating), and her other word document of her case briefs. Yes, I said case briefs. And they were written by her, trust me.

5) Girl in front of me and to the right: Her notes, an ebay page where she was refreshing every 2 seconds to see if she had won some Chanel purse with these weird squiggly things all over it and an IM screen where she was updating the girl sitting several rows in front of her that "she almost got it, it's going to be freakin' awesome." Eh. Yes, I could read that, she wrote it in all caps.

6) Guy in front of Girl #5 who kept attempting to stifle his laughs as he was IM'd links to shirts with naughty phrases and sexual positions on them.

Now, I ask you. Three questions: Name which is the person known as one of the smartest people in our 2Lclass. Then name the person who is a 3L. Then name the person most likely to succeed as a lawyer. (The last one is just for my amusement). The one to get it right wins my undying love.