I am Unethical

So the Lawbitches, okay well myself, Calculating, Lance Ito and Sandra Gay all have completed our Professional Responsibility exam. Well, we finished it at quarter to noon, but we had to (naturally) go for a few drinks afterwards, so I'm only writing this now. What? We didn't start drinking til after 12pm (I think).

Best quote of the day from Sandra Gay: "What grade do I get if I just concede that I'm unethical and be done with it?" I figure you should get points for honesty and at least get a C.

That being said, I'm pretty sure none of us is ethical, since we all thought for a split second that answers pertaining to lying or hiding the truth could be ethical, if argued right. How many points do I get if I concede that I won't sleep with any of my clients, but I might let the other law bitches sleep with them??

Hints for Non-Law Students That Are Around Law Students During Finals Time

This is meant to be a quick guide for all of those significant others, close friends and family members out there that are unfortunate enough to have to be in contact with law students during finals time. (Note: everywhere that "her" appears it can be substituted with "he.")

  • Do not nickname your law student wife/girlfriend "Nagzilla" while she is studying for finals. It doesn't matter how cute you say it or if it is simply supposed to be an affectionate pet name, she is stressed, bitchy and is not going to take it well.
  • Do not call the law student while she's at the library to inform her that the lawn service came and the yard still looks like shit and you wish that your yard would only look as good as your dad's did. She doesn't care. If she doesn't care normally about the yard, then she's really not going to give a shit when you interrupt her in the middle of studying.
  • Do not ask your law student to do chores when after she's been at the library for the last 15 hours. If the house is dirty it will stay dirty for another two weeks. If the garbage needs to be taken out, take it out yourself. If there are sticks in the yard that need to be picked up, well, they aren't going anywhere in the next week so it can wait.
  • In the event that the law student is actually home for dinner do not make her decide what she wants to eat. Making any decisions that are not related to issue-spotting at this point will only make her burst into tears.
  • Do not try to make any plans during finals period that include your law student. If it's important she'll try to make it, but don't expect anything. Any time that you get to spend with your law student during finals is simply a bonus, so be grateful for what you can get.
  • Do make her dinner and/or pack her a lunch. Throw a few snacks on the counter that she can take to school with her. Law students diets -- while most are not that good to begin -- get even worse during finals. By prepping snacks for them you'll help prevent them from living off the vending machines for the next week.
  • Do provide her with caffeine. Either leave a fresh-brewed pot of coffee, or charge up a Starbucks/Caribou card for her use.
  • Do stay out of her way. Don't comment on the last time she bathed, how bad she smells, or how terrible her hair looks. Just let her do her thing.
  • Better yet, don't even talk to her unless she talks to you first. Her mind is probably somewhere else the entire time you are talking to her, so when you ask a question and she replies, "huh?" it will just leave you mad and her confused. Best not to talk to her unless she talks to you first -- because at least then you'll know she's engaged in the conversation.
  • Do understand that the outside world, for the most part, ceases to exist for a law student during finals. Finals are a time students have to learn an entire semester's material in a few short days -- grades in classes are determined by what happens during these 48- or 72-hour time spans. Law students are on emotional, mental and physical rollercoasters. Let them ride it out and simply be there for them after its over.
Granted, this advice is only a start of how to deal with your law student during finals time. The best is to ask them -- as benignly as possible -- what you can do for them, then to follow through on what they suggest, and plan a small celebration (at the very least you, your law student and a bottle of booze) for once its all done.

We Done Learned Us Ethics

In our quest to learn how to be ethical today Larceny, Lance, and I were googling practice tests for Professional Responsibility. We were about four sample exams in when we decided that we went to the wrong law school.

Excerpts from an actual PR exam:

TRUE OR FALSE? "The ABA Model Rules of Professional Conduct define how an attorney-client relationship is formed."

TRUE OR FALSE? "An attorney who uses confidential client information for his own profit without the client’s permission will not have any discipline or liability so long as the information was not used to the disadvantage of the client."

"Arnold was the sole eye witness to an accident involving Darren Driver, who now seeks representation by Arnold's firm in a case arising out of that accident. Arnold will undoubtedly be a key witness for Darren should the case go to trial. Paul in attorney's firm concludes that he may not represent Darren, since the conflict is imputed to all members of the firm. Agree or disagree?"

SHORT ANSWER. "If a client being represented by an attorney under a contingent fee contract fires the attorney, under what circumstances may an attorney nonetheless recover fees for the work performed?"

This is the easiest PR exam ever. Agree or disagree?

Had we gone to this law school, even the LawBitches could pass PR...

It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year

So it's that time of the year again, where law students everywhere are envying the bottoms in beastiality porn because at least they get to use lube.

Between school, work, and volunteer projects, I have 1.34 Imperial fuck tonnes of stuff to do, and it all is due within the next two and a half weeks. Right now I, and I am sure the rest of the law bitches, are looking at 12 or 16 hour work days until finals are done.

As awful as it all will be, right now I am just on the cusp of starting, and I think the anticipation of that fucking slog is even worse. At this point, I'd be willing to jack off a silverback gorilla to take even a couple things off my plate.

Even worse is the blame game you play with yourself. If only you had started stuff a little earlier, or done a better job keeping up with the reading, you wouldn't be in such a shit mess right now. Nevermind that you didn't start things early and slacked on the reading so that you could try and maintain some sanity and a semblence of a social life.

Nothing like a cocktail of stress, panic, and self-loathing to focus the mind.

Good luck on finals everybody. May your flasks be bottomless and your razorblades keen. And remember, cutting across is for pussies.

The Hammer?

Today was the wrap up class for small firm practice. We were divided into groups and then made to give a presentation on a chosen topic. One group started with this as an introduction to firm advertising. I think I may have found my calling.

I have to stay up late at night? 100% of all the money? How am I supposed to get paid. Yo I gots to get paid.

There has to be some professional responsibility issues in there somewhere.

-scalito "The Chainsaw"

AssHusband Strikes Again.

I love my hubby, really I do. But sometimes, I want to punch him. But a figurative punch, not literal (for any of you future prosecutors out there.) The following conversation ensued:


(AssHusband comes home from work with a bag from Target.)
Me: What did you get?
AssHusband: Oh, just some stuff I needed, and a toy.
Me: Another Hot Wheel? (Yes, he collects Hot Wheels. At least he doesn't collect prostitutes.)
AssHusband: Yeah. It's cool, wanna see it?!
Me: Not really. You know, how come everytime you go to Target you get yourself some little present, and you never get me anything? (Seriously, he goes like once a week)
AssHusband: ........


(AssHusband comes home again with a bag from Target.)
Me: You went to Target again?
AssHusband: Yeah, I forgot something yesterday. And guess what?! I got you a present!! (Imagine this with a really excited and proud look on his face.)
Me: (Kinda really excited) Oh yeah? What is it??
AssHusband: Here! (And he reaches in, and pulls out.........an oven mitt.)
Me: Is this an oven mitt?
AssHusband: Yeah, we needed one, and look it's in your favorite color!
Me: .............

1) Do not buy your wife/girlfiend an oven mitt as a gift.
2) It does not count as a gift if we needed it in the first place.
3) Again, an oven mitt is not a gift. It is not fun.
4) Someone teach my husband the nuances of gift buying please. Larceny will forever be in your debt.

Must Have Been Some Night...

...when you wake up the next morning and think, well at least I didn't throw up last night...and then you sense the sour taste in your mouth and realize that you did right before you passed out.

And yet you still get up, possibly still drunk, and drive to the library on a Sunday because finals are less then a week away... That's when it truly hits you that you are a law student.

Happy 4-20 Everyone!!!

Go get high and study. But of course if you are high while studying, you need to be high while taking your exams. Consistency is the key to everything...

My mother has figured out law school.

So, there's a "controversy" around the law bitch law school currently. I won't go into detail, so as not to ire those at our school who seem to be highly personally involved in the situation and take it as a personal affront if no one agrees with them. Basically, a student group is requesting funding from the student fees to do something that a good amount of people do not want their student fees to go to. And this is something that for anyone outside of law school, would seem to be common sense. As an example, let's say a student group wanted to say, set things on fire and claim that this is "educational." And their posters say, "Ever want to learn what it's like to set awesome things on fire? Come to our meeting!" So okay, this may be a bad example, but you get the point. To most people this is common sense. No, if you want to set things on fire, do it on your own time, it's stupid to use school funding for it right? I mean, I don't care if you want to burn shit, just don't spend my money doing it. Pretty simple right? Nope, not for law students! Instead of just saying, "This is stupid, no" they argue about legal rights, and responsibilities to student creativity, and constitutional rights and blah blah blah. As my mother (who is a high school teacher) put it when I told her about this:

"High school students are stupid because they do things without thinking. Law school students are just like high school students, only they do stupid things because they think too much." And then she added, "also, I think your classmates probably just like to hear themselves talk and sound all cool talking like lawyers."

Ah, mom. Couldn't have said it better myself.

You Stole My Poster

I recently noticed that this group on Facebook is using the poster I created during finals last semester. The law student in me wonders about them using it without my permission. The blogger/smartass/genius demotivational-poster maker in me is flattered.

If the LawBitches are noticed on Facebook does that mean that we've made it?

New Reads

This post has been a long-time coming. There have been several blogs out there that have recently (within in the last 6 months, that is — yes, I’m a bit behind) linked to the LawBitches. So, the crew here at There’s No Competition would like to give a shout out to these fellow blawgers:

Baby Barista
Tales of a law student in England (law school is a different beast across seas). The stories aren’t real, but I believe that BabyBarista is/was a law student (please correct me if I’m wrong).

Dizzy Does It

A 3L at a Midwestern law school. She says what she thinks in a very refreshing way. Check out this recent post.

Harmless Error
A newbie attorney with a new job, and a new apartment in a new city. Some days I think I want her life, then I read about actually having to do work and I think maybe not so much.

My So-Called Law School
It’s like 90210 meets The O.C. but in law school.

The Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker
A mix of random thoughts, memes and occasional updates about law school. Trying to follow her thought process makes my head spin, but many of her posts also make me smile.

Law with Grace
A 3L in Chicago. Love the way she portrays what is going on around her — definitely a study on people watching and calling it like it is.

Lindsey’s Legal Adventures
Law student or pop-culture goddess? You decide.

Loco Delictis
A 1L from Texas. She’s already experiencing a law of motivation — and she’s only 2 semesters in.

Useless Dicta
Another 1L writing about life, law school and how law school is your life during the first year. We’ve all been there, and we’re all happy we’re no longer 1Ls. Plus, she’s got a great blog design.

The War of All Against All
Two 1Ls whose senses of humor remind me a lot of my fellow lawbitches. Love the professor son of a bitch quotes.

Ahhhh.... registration. Good Times.

So the other day we had a 1L approach us to discuss what classes to take next year and he asked about classes that are hard for even 2Ls (future 3Ls) to get into due to the small class size (i.e. Negotiations, 12 people per class). To which we responded, “Oh, you won’t get into those classes, they fill up right away. We probably won’t even get in, and we get to register first. We couldn’t get into them last year either.” To which the 1L rolled his eyes at us and looked at one of his friends with a smirk on his face. (Can I just say that it took a lot from Larceny here not to smack that smirk off his face). They just don't get it.

All those classes he asked for and thought he could get into being closed with at least 10 people waitlisted by 8:03 am (registration was at 8:00am): Priceless.

Have fun registering!

Another Way Law Schools Warps You

Thanks to law review, my life has once again been warped beyond normal human being standards.

I have had the unfortunate job of doing several oral reads lately, and apparently it is affecting me more than I realized. [By the way, oral reads are when you have to read the text of an article aloud with a partner -- the catch is that you have to read EVERYTHING: spaces, capitalization, formatting, punctuation. Needless to say it's tedious.]

After Easter dinner, I was sitting on the couch when my nephew brought me a book that he wanted me to read to him. Swinging him into my lap, I grabbed the book about Snoopy the Flying Ace. We admired the art on the title page, and then I began the story. Several pages into the story I realized that he had stopped paying attention and was looking at me funny. It was then that I realized I was doing it: "Snoopy capital ess space flew space the space plane space behind space enemy space lines period. Space space He capital ech space had space to space defeat space the space Red capital arr space Baron capital bee period."

How do you explain to a three-year-old that auntie isn't crazy, she just has been brainwashed by law school?

He decided that was enough of me reading to him, and went to find a better lap.

Larceny is a Lame-o

From a chat during Larceny Bitch and my Family Law class

Larceny Bitch: Crap, I'm going to have to go next now
John Roberts: that sucks
John Roberts: i have been lucking out with the cold calls lately
Larceny Bitch: No shit
Larceny Bitch: lol
John Roberts: and it has been really lucky as i stopped reading before spring break and havent really gotten back into the swing of things
Larceny Bitch: Yeah, he hates calling on people who haven't read
Larceny Bitch: Good thing I did today I guess
Larceny Bitch: I get the dying kid
John Roberts: oh, sad
John Roberts: I'll buy you a beer if you choke out a tear while reciting the facts
Larceny Bitch: lol, no
Larceny Bitch: You're a bad person
John Roberts: fine
John Roberts: how about 2 beers?
Larceny Bitch: no way, what if I laugh while trying to cry, that would be awful
Larceny Bitch: Although, showing of my true thoughts on children
John Roberts: if you laugh while trying to cry, i will still buy you the beers
Larceny Bitch: crap, I'll always be known as the girl who cried
John Roberts: c'mon, aren't you dedicated to humor?
Larceny Bitch: Yes, but as Ass Husband always says, I wear my emotions on my face, and while amused, may not be able to shed a tear
Larceny Bitch: That's hard work to shed a tear man
John Roberts: you can do it
John Roberts: you can fake it
John Roberts: just put your hand over your eyes and pretend to shake and make crying noises
John Roberts: if you play your cards right, you won't have to finish the case
Larceny Bitch: Oh my god I cannot make crying noises
John Roberts: you totally can Larceny
John Roberts: just do like a forlorn wail
John Roberts: and run out of the room
Larceny Bitch: A forlorn wail?
Larceny Bitch: lol
John Roberts: then you can go to the bathroom and splash water on your face to cover up the fact that you didnt actually cry
John Roberts: and if anyone asks, you can say you don't want to talk about it because its too painful
Larceny Bitch: I'm not sure anyone would believe me now that I think about it
Larceny Bitch: I'm not exactly known for being a softie
John Roberts: they totally would
John Roberts: Ill be anita you play thomas thinks you should pretend to cry too
Larceny Bitch: Gullible law students?
John Roberts: no
Larceny Bitch: Tell Ill be anita you play thomas not to encourage you
John Roberts: people woulnd't want to look like an asshole by questioning your pain
Larceny Bitch: So yeah, gullible
Larceny Bitch: Cause if it were me, I'd totally ask
John Roberts: Ill be anita you play thomas and i both think you are a lame-o
Larceny Bitch: I am fine with being a lame-o

Driving Me To Drink

A cumulation of events in the last 36 hours that have driven me to drink:
  • The university is closed next Monday due to a holiday, yet last night as class was wrapping up, my prof says: "I'm going to be in China on the 16th so instead of having class that night we'll have it next Monday when there is no school." The eighteen of us just sat there, brain dead from the last two hours. Finally, someone says: "Wait, we're having class on Easter Monday when the university is closed?" His nod was our death sentence.
  • Found out I was selected to apply for a unique job opportunity. The catch? The app is due tomorrow.
  • Was assigned three cases (1-page, 6-pages and 30-pages on Westlaw), a law review article and two sections of the book for the class that has been the bane of my existence this semester.* Supposed to be read by 9 am tomorrow. Not usually a problem because I don't ever read for this class. However, there is no blind grading in this drafting-based class and when the professor makes a point to say: "And you'd better be prepared because if I call on anyone of you, and I can tell you didn't read the cases, I will lower your grade." (He gives out few good grades as is.) The kicker? Updated announcement at 6 pm today: "The 1-page cite I gave you was only the order for that case. You need to read the full opinion." Another 32-pages. At this point I'd just not go, but I've already used my 3 absences. Still haven't started.
  • I have an executive position on our student council and manage all the funding for student organizations. Without going into to too many details, lets just say that I've received a lot of last-minute requests in the last few days and now 1L my committee members are deciding to object to the funding. Which leads to appeals processes and special meetings and the 2Ls and 3Ls threatening to quit and a ton of extra work for me and DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE ONLY 3 WEEKS LEFT IN THE SEMESTER AND I'M JUST DOING WHAT I CAN TO MAKE IT UNTIL FINALS AND THE NEW EXECUTIVE TAKES OVER AT THE END OF NEXT WEEK?!
  • Oh, and after a brief jump in temperatures last Monday, its been gloomy here ever since. I haven't seen the sun for 6 days.
To the 3Ls out there, I don't know how you are doing it. I had no motivation before Spring Break and even less now. Is there such a thing as the senior slide in law school? If things are this bad now, what is third year going to be like? Sigh.

I'll do another shot for all of us.

*The details of this class are best saved for another post. It's been in the works since the beginning of the semester.