To the prospective students who visit us

Dear prospective students,

You remember me, I'm the student who gave you tours around the place and then answered all your lame ass questions (that could have been answered on the school's website) without even so much as a blink. However, I would like to make several rules before you come and visit us next time:

1) Do not stare at my boobs the entire time I give you a tour, I know you're a 20-something guy with crazy hormones, and since you're a future lawyer, you were probably not so hot with the ladies in undergrad. Still, note from Seinfeld: cleavage is like the sun, you can only look at it for short periods

2) Read the website before coming (and hell any other website about law school), this way I don't get questions like, " what's your first year schedule like," "what kind of stuff do you read in your classes," and my personal fave, "should I have taken the LSAT by now?"

3) When I tell you that law school is different than any other schooling, and requires you to learn differently and accept that you're going to be "competing" against others who had just as good grades as you, do not say: "But I got all A's in undergrad, and I study well so I'm sure I'll be fine." That just makes me want to punch you in the face and the kick you in the boob with my boots.

4) Don't ask me personal questions. I will not tell you how much money I have in my bank account. Figure out how much law school costs on your own - read: it's f-ing expensive

5) If you come and sit in our classes, don't look so shocked and disgusted by the professor's cold calling on us. Did any of you read anything about what law school was like? This is what they do!

So hence, this is my main point to all the prospectives: read about law school. Do some research. There is no excuse for being surprised and confused that there is such a thing as the Socratic Method, or the LSAT, or even that yes, law school is hard. On that note, if you're not ready for law school, don't come. If your face turns ghostly white by sitting in a class and realizing you have no idea what you were thinking, don't come. We have enough to do with those who are in our class now who can't understand why law school is so hard. Or why they don't get A's. Then Larceny Bitch gets headaches and irritation, and that is never good for anyone.

If Law School doesn't work out....

This is the IM chat that was going on in a class. Who says you don't learn things in law school? First you must know we were discussing my (girl) friend's attempt to kiss me in front of her fiance in an incredibly drunken stupor)

LarcenyBitch: Yes, the man was excited, but trying not to get too excited in case it didn't work out
John Roberts : the look on the fiance's face
LarcenyBitch: Which it didn't
Sandra Gay: ahhh...
LarcenyBitch: Poor guy
Sandra Gay: he was probably thinking "god, please! i will be in church every sunday for the rest of my life if you just make this happen"
LarcenyBitch: The fact that I was a dancer before, and a ghetto one at that, and was drunkenly showing it made him think this could be interesting
LarcenyBitch: LOL
LarcenyBitch: Yes, he probably was
Calculating Bitch: you were a dancer?
LarcenyBitch: yeah
Calculating Bitch: exotic dancing?
LarcenyBitch: no
John Roberts: plz say yes
Sandra Gay: "let my wife be a freak in the bed....PLEASE GOD!"
Calculating Bitch: with a pole and everything?
LarcenyBitch: Sorry John, no I was not a stripper
LarcenyBitch: She would be a freak if she got a chance
LarcenyBitch: I think he was a little disappointed in me
Calculating Bitch: I know a stripper who blew out her knee doing a pole trick and had to be taken to the hospital and cut out of her boots.
LarcenyBitch: That is awesome
John Roberts: ROFL
Lance Ito: lol
Sandra Gay: lol
Calculating Bitch: She became a waitress after that.
Calculating Bitch: We used to give her shit all of the time.
Sandra Gay: shut up Calculating Bitch
(at this point in class, Sandra Gay is hiding behind her laptop attempting to stifle her giggles)
Sandra Gay: i cant take it anymore
LarcenyBitch: That is the greatest
Sandra Gay: we're having a melt down over here
John Roberts: "and candi's season has been cut short by a torn ligament in her knee"
Lance Ito: i gotta pee...
Calculating Bitch: doesn't look like it
John Roberts: "hopefully we will see her back next season!"
Lance Ito: laughing ain't helping
Calculating Bitch: nope, that was her last dance.
LarcenyBitch: Okay, stop
John Roberts: oh damn
John Roberts: career ending
Calculating Bitch: Except when we would make her get on the tables at Fridays
John Roberts: she probably lost her shot at the hall of fame
Calculating Bitch: only usually took a drink or two
John Roberts: its so sad to see careers cut short like that
Calculating Bitch: then it became Coyote Ugly
Lance Ito: maybe they will make an injury exception for the Hall

Just an observation...

I sit here prior to class all dressed up. I have a mock interview today to learn how to give an interview. This in itself is not a bad idea and being dressed up in a suit at law school isn't all that uncommon. As I was thinking about me being dressed up I realized I really enjoy smoking cigarettes... And I realized I enjoy smoking cigarettes more when I am dressed up. The reason: I just think I look cooler. Smoking is already something used to distinguish the cool from the not cool and if someone is dressed up and smoking doesn't that make them that much cooler... I think so.

And YOU got into law school?

Welcome to the first round of what will probably be many observations regarding some of the people whose wit and personality astound me:

Concerned law student to a fellow law student with an air cast on her right ankle: "What happened?"

Gimpy law student: "I was wearing really cute shoes on Saturday."
Law professor on the first day of class: "So what movie or show possibly influenced your decision to come to law school?"

Around the room the standard response was Law and Order, A Civil Action, Perry Mason and To Kill A Mockingbird, just to name a few.

The blonde sitting in front of me, pink pen in hand, "Legally Blonde One and Two."

(Hmm, I guess having seen the first movie wasn't enough for her. It was the second one that put that decision over the edge. I wonder if you can take your LSATs with a pink pen?)
A student just prior to a three-hour final while trying to add up the "recommended times" for each question: "But that's only 180 minutes. That's not three hours!"
1L in the law library volunteering way too much information:
"So like I went to this 80s party the other night and got really drunk. I was on my way to school the next morning and felt really sick, so I like pulled over in this parking lot and ran behind a car and started puking. As I was puking all I could think was 'ohmigod, what if someone sees me? I'm going to be a lawyer someday.' After I was done I got back in my car and decided maybe I shouldn't go to class, so I went home. But I tried to go to class that day so it should count for something."

Who's Your Daddy?

In response to the question: "How can you tell who fathered the mule?"

Property professor: "It's not like his thing is going to glow red."

Hmm, if it did just glow red, wouldn't that save this country thousands of dollars in DNA testing?

Can you imagine how the paternity episodes on Maury would go:

Skinny ass, stringy-haired woman who looks like she's had a little too much coke: "You are my baby's daddy."

Even skinnier guy: "You lying slut. You were sleeping with three other guys. It ain't my kid."

Woman: "No, I weren't. You the only one. You knocked me up and need to pay."

Guy: "Shut up bitch. It's ain't mine." To prove his point, he drops his pants to reveal a non-glowing penis.

Maury: "Well, it appears that Dwayne is not the father of your children." Turning to the next guest, "Karl, did you father Twanda's daughter?"

The audience: "Take it off. Take it off. Take it off."

Well, I guess that wouldn't be all that different from Maury now.


Top 10 Things I would rather be doing right now instead of reading Constitutional Law:

10. Listening to Brittney Spears tell me about "her like, best dream ever"
9. Learning about Magic cards or Dungeons and Dragons from a 14-year-old kid.
8. Pulling my toenails out with a needle nose pliers.
7. Watching Dick Cheney and Pat Sajak have sex.
6. Reading the entire Bible for grammatical errors.
5. Letting a goat shit on my face.
4. Learning about the meaning of life from Orrin Hatch.
3. Going door-to-door with the Jehovah's Witnesses.
2. Letting someone perform a "chili dog" on me. (Many thanks to our friends at for that one.)
And #1......
Being passed through the large intestine of a 700 lb. NAMBLA member.

Seriously though..... this shit sucks.

Which Tree Did You Fall Out Of?

At training for a volunteer program, during an ice-breaker exercise:

“My name is Mary. My best educational experience was a class I took in college because we got to work with and tutor underprivileged youth. My worst educational experience has been law school. I’m glad I’m here and all, but it’s really not my thing. I’m a 4L at XXX Law School.”

A 4L? No shit, law school is not really your thing. How many times did you have to fail Torts to be a 4L?

Mr. Jones, what are the facts of the case and more importantly, what is the meaning of life?

An ancient Eastern proverb says: "A fool can ask more questions in an hour than a wise man can answer in a lifetime."

Do you suppose they were thinking about law professors and the Socratic method?

Also, I'm smarter than my sister

Things to know before reading this. My sister was saludictorian of her class. She got straight A's all through school (seriously, never anything lower). She was in at least 10 extracurricular activities. She has received numerous awards and scholarships. She has just begun college this year. And yet I am smarter.

Conversation, Sunday 11am:

Me: Hey sis, how is everything?
Sis: Fine.
Me: Ready to go back to school?
Sis: Yep.
Me: Quite wordy today aren't we?
Sis: Huh?
Me: Nevermind.
Sis: Okay.
Me: So.........(trying desperately to think of a topic) what class did you pick as an elective?
Sis: Latin American Studies.
Me: Oh, that could be interesting. (No it wouldn't)
Sis: Yeah.
Me: So why'd you pick it?
Sis: Cause it's what I want to do with my career.
Me: Oh, you mean like anthropology or something?
Sis: No, like HUMANITARIAN work.
Me: Oh, uh.....nevermind.

Apparently, my sister thinks she's Angelina Jolie and that you can just volunteer for the rest of your life. She is unaware that it is not an actual job. See? Smarter.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death...

Ahhhh yes. The second semester has begun. I, for one, am not quite turned on yet by the reading; I was hoping for at least some titilation. Though it is not coming from the text, class has proven to be entertaining. Yesterday's crim discussion on the justifications for punishment began with a serious question for us..... Were you spanked as a child? Will you spank your kids? ARE YOU A SPANKER OR A NON-SPANKER? The junior high student in each of us was suddenly liberated, and a chat room was quickly set up so that we could all jump on top of the filthy side of spanking. How delightful. I paid about $90/hour to hear my colleagues' stories about the worst beatings they ever received as children. It truly was a "Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you" kind of class. Ah well.

I moved on today though, and assuming that things would get more interesting, decided to get a jump on the first assigned reading for property. Now THAT was a good time. Nothing beats about 4,000 pages about how law students and lawyers are all alcoholics who do blow off the back of the bathroom toilets. BUT (the article informed me) there is hope. The only way out is through Jesus. Yes- that's right- put down the bottle and that straw you got from a 7-11 slurpy and get on your knees.... While I appriciate the concern that many have for the well-being of lawyers and law students, I almost wonder if this is not some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? Thought I had while reading the article: "Man, I don't know why, but I am really craving a bottle of vodka and some nose candy...."

We're back, time for some more high school like fun

You see, our law school is like being in high school. We attend a small, private law school where everyone knows pretty much everyone, and we all have something to say about everyone. Hence, the start of this wonderful blog: a couple friends in law school that are tired of the ridiculous goings on and feel we should share them with the rest of the country to understand our misery.

Our law school has issues with "competition." We are constantly told not to be competitive, and that we must not think of ourselves as "grades and scores" but as "people." So beyond that completely ridiculous assertion, our law school has the competition atmosphere of high school. My fellow lawbitch blogger Calculating Bitch, knows first hand that in this school, we are not to be competitive and too concerned about our ranking! (She spent a little too much time thinking about her ranking, and this caused great uproar in our class). So, hold on out there: we assure you that we will have great stories from our small, private and high schoolish law school.

Why me?

Here I am sitting in the lounge...trying to appear studious. If I have learned one thing so far in law school is that its faker then Ted Koppel's hair. Am I at a institute of higher learning or back in high school? Its good to find other people with similar interests who are not living on Mommy and Daddy's dime. Get ready for the real world at some point people!!!!! I went to law school to become more marketable, but all I am being is more jaded. Profs suck, exams suck, etc. and with all the money we have to spend on books/supplements/e-briefs/crunchtime books/software its no wonder why most lawyers make almost six figures. Well time to go and get ready for Crim Law and figure out how to use my fantabulous note taking software.

And so it begins all over again...

As a first-century Roman philosopher said, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." Since today is the first day of a new semester then I guess that last semester has finally ended.

Books have been sold back, burned or left abandoned in lockers. Financial aid for the fall has been depleted and we eagerly await our spring disbursement checks. Finals are a nightmare behind us, although we are suffering from the aftermath of grades.

New books have been bought (credit cards maxed out) and new files have been created on our laptops for each class. For the next two weeks, we will eagerly take notes, brief cases and listen closely to the professors. As we figure out the idiosyncrasies of each professor, the notes will become less detailed, and the reading assignments will be skimmed. And thus begins the cycle all over again – although last semester the diligence was longer lived, and we probably won’t even be able to make it through one day without starting an IM chat during class.

Who am I kidding? As I write this I’m already sitting in my first class…