Advice Brought to You by the LawBitches

In honor of National Blog Posting Month (no, I’m not making this up), the LawBitches are bringing you a 30-day series during the month of November on advice about law school.

How did we come up with specific topics for our advice? Well, we'd like to thank you, lovely readers, for all of the searches that have led to our blog in the last few weeks. There have been some interesting queries that have led here so stay tuned for interesting advice (in the typical LawBitch fashion, of course). So stay tuned!


Butterflyfish apparently tagged the LawBitches to do this last Thursday. I think I noticed it, then promptly forgot. And since I am in a class that I wish I had a bottle of vodka in, I’ll answer these pressing questions.

PS to Mrs. Butterflyfish – don’t worry about OCI, none of us got jobs through OCI, and we all got jobs after our second year for the summer. Do not despair, some lawyer out there will want to hire you to make you their bitch, that’s a promise.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Weiner King – He’s a 2L we’ve discussed before, and apparently the man has a spectacular sense of humor about our commentary about him. So while I’m not going to stop calling him Weiner King because it is a great name, he has definitely earned the honor of being a LawBitch-approved 2L.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Meeting with Calculating Bitch and Lance Ito to discuss a class. Also, whining about being there at 0800.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Trying to learn to how to sleep with my eyes open. No dice. Proceeded to wonder if the prof would notice if I started stabbing myself with a pencil to feel something, anything.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Got a job (after much searching), finished 1L year (hallelujah), was in a wedding (Christ almighty what an experience), and about the end of 2006, figured out I didn’t have to read for class.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? “When do I get my whiskey?”
6. How many beverages did you have today? One extra large coffee thanks to Calculating who apparently wanted me to productive in our meeting this morning so she bought me one. Then a diet coke. And what I wouldn’t do for a vodka-soda right now….there’s very little I wouldn’t do.
7. What color is your hairbrush? I have many hairbrushes because I am vain.
8. What was the last thing you paid for? Wine. What?
9. Where were you last night? “Role-playing” with Swinging Kennedy, and not the exciting kind of role-playing dammit.
10. What color is your front door? WTF kind of question is that? I dunno, white? If I could I’d paint “go away” on it if that is a better answer.
11. Where do you keep your change? There’s a ton in the bottom of my school bag, because I just throw it anywhere. I hate carrying change.
12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny! (I should be on a bar patio right now)
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip, and I’m only answering so I don’t overuse “WTF kind of question is that?”
14. What excites you? Graduation!
15. Do you want to cut your hair? No, I have a roundish head, if I cut it I’d fear I would look like an Oompa Loompa. (minus the orange skin, tanning is gross)
16. Are you over the age of 25? Nope.
17. Do you talk a lot? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Well, this show has been off the air for like 2 years or something, so this is also a stupid question.
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? I had an ex named Steve, is that close enough?
20. Do you make up your own words? Yes, but generally I am more likely to screw up phrases i.e. “close but no tomato”
21. Are you a jealous person? No. I am awesome.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: Ashley (I love names that are so common they can still be anonymous)
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: K-Fed (we’re not friends, but he and I could have a total bitch-fest about Brit-Brit.)
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Sandra Gay. I think. Maybe. I never check my phone.
25. What does the last text message you received say? “What up ho-bag” from my sister. So you see, the snarkiness is apparently genetic.
26. Do you chew on your straw? No, chewing on the straw makes the opening narrower, therefore takes longer to drink the alcohol.
27. Do you have curly hair? Yes, but few know that, it gets straight really easy. As I said, awesome.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Home. “Bones” has the lead character in a Wonder Woman costume the whole time, and y’all know I need to see that.
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? No one rude really. Annoying? Well, that’s too many to go through. My husband’s family make up like ¾ of that.
30. What was the last thing you ate? Awesome free lunch provided by a large firm. That’s really all they’re good for.
31. Will you get married in the future? Depends on if my husband continues to refuse to get me a puppy. Then maybe.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? “Michael Clayton” – totally a law nerd movie but a spectacular movie too. I’m convinced the corporate counsel woman in that movie is Calculating.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? Good God these questions are boring me.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Seriously? This is the best kind of questions the authors could come up with?
35. Are you currently depressed? ……….sigh……..this questionnaire is depressing me because it’s making it hard for me to be entertained and so I am actually considering listening to the current discussion in class. I mean really.
36. Did you cry today? No, but I did do the stomp the foot and pout when someone compared me to Lucy from Charlie Brown, as if it was a bad thing.
37. Why did you answer and post this? 1) We were “tagged” 2) I was bored
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey: Yeah. right.

The Work Conference

Well... That was certainly fun. Over the weekend, John Roberts and I went up to the woods with 500+ attorneys from our office for a weekend "conference." I put "conference" in quotes, because it was mostly a lot of drinking and sexual harassment (mostly on my part to John Roberts) with a little side of destruction of property.

The award for best story from the weekend goes to John Roberts: After drinking for about 12 hours straight, John, the other clerks and I cram into cars with our designated drivers to go search for some fast food. It was like the clown car from hell. We made our stop, piled back in the car, and got back to our hotel. Everybody fell out of the car, and made our way back to our respective rooms. After about 10 minutes, I realized that John Roberts wasn't in our room. He's quite the player, so I figured he had found another conference attendee to wrap him in rubber and spank him furiously. Feeling a little jealous, I went back to bed.

Turns out, John Roberts had never gotten out of the car. Nice.

One of the "designated drivers" finally realized that Roberts hadn't left his car, and went back down to go and get him. Roberts, laying very drunkenly in the car seat, could not be moved. Finally he awoke, emitting a long trail of saliva down his shirt, and his buddy was able to at least get him into the hotel. Into the room was another story. After Roberts tried to enter our co-workers room, the co-worker pointed at someone else's room and said, "No, Roberts, that's your room over there." The co-worker of course knew that it wasn't.

So then Roberts spends the next 15 minutes trying to key into one of our OTHER co-workers rooms, waking her up in a rather creepy fashion. She finally escorted him back to our room, where he slept merrily through the next days seminars.

I don't know what is my favorite part of the story: the vision of Roberts trying to key into somebody random's room for 15 minutes or the idea that we could have left him in the car without even noticing. Good times. I love work conferences.

This Can't Be the First Time, Can It?

A 3L at Indiana University of School of Law was charged with criminal recklessness after shooting his real estate casebook. I'm guessing he's not the first to do it, but maybe just the first to get caught?

Then again, how many law students have AK-47s in their apartments?

So the real pressing question is, obviously, which casebook would you shoot first? I'm not going lie, for me it's a tie between PR and Evidence. I wonder if I could get both in one shot...

Little Known Niches

I got a CLE announcement from the ABA today titled "How Using a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Can Strengthen Your Core Divorce Practice."

My initial thoughts:
  • What does it say about our society that divorce has become such a growing market that experts such as Certified Divorce Financial Analysts exist?
  • Damn, I wonder how much money they make? And are they hiring?

I Used to Live in San Diego

After this last week I'm no longer asking myself, "Now why did I leave 75-degree-and-sunny-every-day California for this godforsaken tundra that I live in now?"

That's my old apartment building. During the 2003 fires we thought we'd have to evacuate so we packed up our cars with the "important" stuff (pictures, files, the minibar, and, of course, my beloved calculator) and then slept in shifts that night, watching the news and waiting for the announcement. The next day the winds shifted and the fires moved in the opposite direction. We were lucky, but many weren't -- and a lot of people died those few days.

Some of you may wonder, "Well how could someone die in a wildfire like that? I mean, don't you see them coming from a mile away?" It is amazing at how fast they move. I was on my way to work when suddenly the fire came roaring down one hill and crossed 10-lanes of freeway and went roaring up another hill about a mile in front of me -- and all in the span of under a minute.

People get caught unaware and the end result is sad. At least this time around the city was smarter about notifying people -- they used a reverse-911 call. I'm sure that saved a lot of lives.

Anyway, the next time it snows here, I promise I won't complain. Dealing with falling snow is much better then dealing with falling ash.

To all of the people out there that were left homeless by this round of fires, I feel for you. If you want to migrate to somewhere considerably colder, I've got a couple of empty bedrooms.

I got nothin' people.

It’s time for a LawBitch confession people. We are boring. Not so much that we are boring people generally (we seem to at least be able to entertain each other) but other than that, we are boring. I spent a good half hour this morning trying to think of something to write about for a post. But alas, Nothing is happening!

To give you an idea of how boring our lives are at the moment, yesterday the most exciting thing to happen to me was a discussion of an evening of Taco Bell and Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck wine. (Which, say what you will is pretty damned exciting). Swinging Kennedy got uber-excited after finding out during our Corporations class that a certain porn-quality website name is not registered, and that he could make millions off creepy pervs. (Can’t give you the name, he’d kill me.) I really haven’t ever seen him that excited in that class, and if the prof looked at him, she would have thought he was really excited about Shareholders - at least that’s what I think we were talking about. And if you’re wondering if he did actually do searches for various phrases like “angrily masturbate” and “spank my monkey” while in class, why yes, yes he did. It’s why I love him so. Calculating Bitch just runs around yelling at 2Ls all day, which isn’t as exciting as it sounds because they just go on their merry way and don’t really get it. I’ll Play Anita just yells at us a lot to stop emailing each other 50 times a day (This is the fault of Sandra Gay and I - we have an absolutely awful, mind-numbing, please someone walk into this class and stab us both in the face so we can at least feel something, class) - so its how we entertain ourselves, got any better suggestions? I haven’t seen Reasonable Peep in ages. Oh, and John Roberts is the only one doing anything of value, working for clinic this semester and helping the less fortunate. Blah. Blah.

So if you’re wondering why the posts aren’t coming much lately, it’s because we have nothing. Being a 3L sucks. It’s boring, you already know you don’t really have to pay attention in class, and it’s all the same old shit anyway. So the only form of entertainment is porn searches during class, oh and the Facebook Pirates game. Except Swinging Kennedy won’t stop bombing me - the fucker. I'm going to try to not complain about things being boring though, the last time I whined about how bored I was, a 2L hit my car, and we'll just leave that story at that and let you surmise how that went. Needless to say, maybe boring isn't so bad. At least I don't look like this.
I know that was mean, but holy shit that creeps me out. And was about a day's worth of conversation among the LawBitches, so Happy Halloween!

Credit Where it is Due

I truly have to thank John Roberts for his help yesterday. John is too busy to attend class today, as wrapping himself in rubber and donning multiple wetsuits after inserting a "foreign object" into his anus has occupied his time. So my thanks will have to be shared publicly.

John, the knower of all things Mac (and "foreign objects"), found me a computer program that can play even the most problematic of my porn videos. Through internet virus or otherwise, the separate hard drive I store my porn on has slowly been causing "viewing problems." Thanks John. Your assistance will keep me happy for a long time. (longer than the "assistance" you normally lend)

For those of you who have missed me, I have been super busy lately. Hating law school takes a lot of energy. And I am angrily masturbating a lot to get past it. Hence the porn necessity. I have also been applying for a lot of jobs. Generally, I try not to combine the two activities. But, alas, we all have our failings.

To All of the People That Think They Want to Go to Law School Out There

If you're sure you want to go law school and there is no way that the LawBitches are gong to be able to talk you out of it, then I'd guess at least we'd recommend not going to law school in Maine. Apparently law students there aren't too happy.

There. We've done our public service announcement for the week.

We've Failed Our Job as 3Ls

From: Sandra
To: Roberts, Calculating, Lance, Larceny

Subject: 1Ls are dicks.

They have gotten together in groups and taken every fucking study room in the library to study together for the LEGAL WRITING MIDTERM.

We haven’t raised them right. This reflects poorly on us.

From: Roberts
To: Sandra
Cc: Calculating, Lance, Larceny
Subject: Re: 1Ls are dicks.

Actually, I think they have done us a favor. If they are this nuts at midterms, I'm sure they will have tents in the library for finals which leaves us no choice but to study at a bar, where, I have it on good authority, they sell booze. Such an opportunity also lets us get back to our study group roots, namely, getting drunk at Larceny’s while making hypos about Sandra selling crack and ass to middle schoolers.

From: Larceny
To: Roberts, Sandra
Cc: Calculating, Lance
Subject: RE: 1Ls are dicks.

Now that sounds AWESOME. Those crack hypos made me understand much better, and also laugh in the middle of an exam.

That being said, those little fuckers are crazy.

Any University of Miami School of Law People Out there?

(Hat tip goes to

Anybody go to "Da U" and know who this guy is? He reminds me of 2Ls I know here. Check out the link above and make funny comments if you must. BTW, this is why I watch "The People's Court." Nothing beats a cold hearted "benchslap." ("benchslap" should be a registered TM of

Brain Cramper

Is the woman spinning clockwise or counterclockwise?

According to this article, the way you see it spin tells you which side of your brain is dominant. If you try to engage the opposite side of your brain while not looking at the picture, you can make her switch directions.

I initially saw her spinning counter-clockwise, but was able to make her spin clockwise. How about you?

Not a valid form of birth control

Every time my corporations professor mentions partners prematurely withdrawing I can't help but snicker.

Law school wouldn't be nearly as much fun if I weren't twelve.

Security Breach

It happened when I was sitting at my desk this morning, reveling in the fact that for the first time in three weeks I didn't have to go to trial, and I was finally trying to attack the mass of papers that have accumulated. I was the only person in the office so far (or so I thought), so I had a little bit of Madonna playing (shut it Bitches!). All of a sudden I heard some movement from behind one of the other desks.

I didn't think much of it, just that maintenance had gotten in early or something. I heard someone talking, so I figured there were probably two of them changing lightbulbs or figuring out why it can NEVER be a comfortable temperature in the room. I just turned down the Madonna (seriously! Shut it!) and got back to answering the billion emails I had ignored over the past couple weeks.

Then I heard, "Mmm... Granola Bar."

That peaked my interest, so I got up and walked around the corner of the cubicle and came to find a homeless-looking guy rifling through one of my coworker's desks.

When I asked him politely to leave, he mentioned the couch we have in a side office that we use for napping (hey, we're government employees). "Mind if I crash here for a little while?" Ummm... yes, actually.

On his way out though, he was at least nice enough to say, "Oh, and thanks for breakfast."

He and I could get along.

Best Blowjob Ever

Where Were You...

...12 years ago today?

I was in my high school cafeteria eating a tuna sandwhich on stale bread when the verdict was read. There was a moment of silence, followed mostly by outrage -- and then a few cheers.

I never would have guessed that it was something I would still recall 12 years later.

And no, that is not why I decided to become a lawyer. But I think it may have been Johnnie Cochran's performance that led Lance here.

I'm Not Saying...

But I am wondering...does this indicate something about the practice of law in Montana?