Diary of a 1L

[Preface: I realize this is long, but it didn't seem right to split it up.]

March 15
Dear Diary,
I got my admissions letter from law school today! I can’t believe that I’m going to law school. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve wanted to be a lawyer. After seeing Erin Brockovich, reading John Grisham, and watching endless Law and Order marathons my dream is finally going to come true! I can’t wait until I can get out there and start fighting for the little man. There is so much injustice in this world and I feel like I’m being called to fix it. The impoverished need someone to fight for their rights and their cause. Just think – a mere 40 months from now and I can be the one fighting for their rights. I’ll never sell out like so many slimy lawyers do – justice will be served – I will be a public defender. I’m so excited!
Love,
The Soon To Be 1L (that’s what they call first year students!)

April 24
Dear Diary,
I attended the admitted applicant day at the law school I’ll be starting at in the fall. I met the dean, and some of the current students – everyone is just so nice! I was on a tour of the law library and noticed all of the students scattered throughout. Everyone looked so intelligent and professional, hunched over their laptops and surrounded by stacks of impressive-looking books. One of the tour guides said that law school can be challenging at times, but I’m not worried. I’ve gotten all A’s since kindergarten and always been at the top of my class. I was valedictorian in high school and undergrad was a piece of cake for me. I graduated magna cum laude without much effort. Plus, I got a 165 on my LSAT, and that is supposed to be a good judge of how I’ll do in law school, so I know that I’ll do just fine. There are over 20,000 people a year graduating from law school so hard can it actually be? It’s going to be great. I’m going to get so involved. They have this thing every Thursday night called “Bar Review” (it’s a play on words – because once you graduate you take the bar, but bar review is actually going out to the bar – isn’t that clever?), there are over 40 student organizations (something for everyone!), and even this dance called the Barrister’s Ball. Law school is going to be awesome!
Love,
I Can Hardly Wait!

August 22
Dear Diary,
We had orientation today. I met some really fantastic people. Everyone seems just so nice and friendly! It will be refreshing to be around smart people. Just think – we’ll all sit around and discuss the public policy and moral philosophy behind the law. I’ll be one of those law students in the library, deep in discussion. I can’t wait! I had my first official law school class. It was great, we were so involved – the prof was calling on people and asking us about this case that they had given us to read and brief. Briefing is so easy. Kind of nice just to summarize the case up: facts, issue, how the court ruled and why. I think it’s going to be a great tool this briefing. They served us lunch today, had the financial aid counselor come and talk about taking out loans, and all of the student organizations had representatives there to talk to. I put my name on about 12 of the mailing lists. This is going to be so great! Alright, well its late and I need to go finish reading these assignments for class tomorrow. (Can you believe that they give us homework before the classes actually start? Isn’t that so cool?)
Love,
I’m Going to be the Best Law Student Ever!

August 23
Dear Diary,
I survived my first day of classes. It wasn’t so bad. I got a syllabus in each of my classes and the prof put us in seating charts. Kind of strange to be in a seating chart – that hasn’t happened since high school! And almost all of the profs have attendance policies. Do you really think that I will miss more than 7 days of your class? Come on, I’m an adult and that is a lot of class to be missing. I did already get called on in Civil Procedure today, good thing I had read the case for today. He asked me a couple of tough questions, but I nailed them. It wasn’t so bad. I think everyone else was impressed that I knew what I was doing. I don’t know why people complain about this Socratic method. Well, tomorrow is my long day and I’ve got 10 pages to read for Contracts, 12 for Civ Pro (I think that’s going to be my favorite class!) and some stuff in my legal writing book. That’s not so bad – its only 22 pages and 3 cases total. That should be nothing.
Love,
I’m Finally a 1L!

September 15
Dear Diary,
Sorry, I haven’t had time to write. I’ve been really busy lately. The Defenders for the Poor Group has finally kicked things off so I’ve going to those meetings during my lunch time, and the profs have really started piling it on. My Civ Pro prof seems to love me. He calls on me almost everyday – it must be because I’m so prepared and know all of the answers to his questions. I haven’t missed one yet, but all of this reading is an awful lot of work. Between all of my classes I’ve been reading around 40 pages a night. In undergrad I could skim 40 pages in under an hour. Unfortunately law school takes a little longer. But I’ve been getting everything done and only spending about 5 hours a night on studying. And briefing every case (all freaking 10 of them a night) is getting a bit annoying, but I’m sure that I’ll be happy I did it when I start studying for finals. Speaking of which, I’ve got midterms coming up in three weeks, so I’d better go work on my outlines some more.
Love,
A 1L

October 2
Dear Diary,
Law school fucking sucks. Fucking midterms. I had one yesterday, another tomorrow and this damn memo is due next week. On top of all of this we’re supposed to be continuing to prepare for class each day. And my Civ Pro prof seems to think that he should call on me every single day. Doesn’t he know that I’m prepping for midterms and don’t have time to read freaking 50 pages every night? I don’t have 12 hours each day on top of class to deal with all of this crap. Oh, and I just got my first quarterly interest statement for my loans. It was only for a month and it was $120. At this rate I’m going to have over $3,000 a year in interest accruing. Great. Can this get any worse?
Later,
A stressed 1L

October 21
Thank God for Fall Break. I’ve never been so looking forward to a week off in my life. Well, if you can even call it a week off. I have another damn brief that was assigned last week and is due three days after I get back. WTF? One of the profs was like, “Oh, yeah, go to Mexico for the week. Have a good time.” But they expect me to spend 50 hours on this brief. If I could go to Mexico right now it would only be to buy more valium.

December 6
I cut myself for the first time today. I just sat there and watched the blood run down my arm and drip onto my Contracts book.

December 13
Finals are over. I haven’t slept or showered for three days. I’ve been living off of vending machine food for the last week, and if it weren’t for the fact that there is a Starbucks nearby that is open until midnight I would have killed someone by now. All of those nice people that I met at the beginning of the year? Yeah, they are no more. Share an outline? Hah. Rip pages out of my book when I go to the bathroom. Bitch.

I’m going to drink myself into a stupor, pass out and not think about anything – specifically why the hell I decided to go to law school – for at least three days.

January 15
I got my interest statement for the last three months of my student loans. It’s $804. I want to dropout so bad. But if I do now, I’ll never make enough money to pay off the loans I’ve already taken. Fucking law school. They suck you in with promises of nobly pursuing a profession held in such high regard. Who are they fucking kidding? At this point, I’ll be lucky to get a job chasing ambulances.

February 4
The LSAT is bullshit. 165 my ass. Doesn’t matter what you got on the damn test, how you did in high school or undergrad, you are not going to get A’s in law school. This shit is hard. No wonder why there were all of those students in the library on a Saturday afternoon with books stacked around them. You want me to write papers, read 70 pages a night, and get called on in class and have to spout it all back at you? Are you trying to fucking kill me?

March 21
Law school is bullshit. It’s like being back in high school, only with a lot bigger egos and a lot more alcohol involved. The Barristers Ball? It’s fucking prom. If I have to listen to one more bitch describe her damn dress to me, I’m chopping her up into pieces and stuffing her in my locker. Bar Review? No one fucking goes. It’s not that law students don’t drink. It’s just that we are all closet alcoholics. Apparently it is not socially acceptable to be drinking from a flask in the middle of Con Law. Nor is it socially acceptable to go to bar review, order a pitcher of beer and then drink it all – directly from the pitcher. At least I’m getting smarter: everyone that sits around me just thinks I drink a lot of coffee, no one knows that it is just straight gin in my travel coffee mug every morning.

April 17
Shitcockfuckballs. Where did I put that bottle of Jack?

May 9
It. Is. Over. You can find me at the country club this summer. I’ll be the one with the baseball cap on the John Deere mower. Apparently that’s about the only thing I’m qualified to do after my first year of law school.

A look back at our 1L year: A timeline

**Dates are approximate people, I barely remembered my name after finals was over - mostly because I was drunk.

April 2005: We all attend the "Admitted Student" day at our school. We all have stars in our eyes that we got here in the first place, and everyone is scared and excited. Soon, we would just be scared.

August 2005: Orientation week. This is where many of us met our what I lovingly call "clingers." Those whom all law students immediately talked to in an attempt not to be the only classmate with no friends and no one to talk to. Of course these types of relationships don't generally last long in law school, because you usually find people you like better (and that part will follow shortly.)

September 2005: First week of classes. Man were we nervously excited. We all sat waiting to see if we were really gonna have to do the Socratic Method ("please just don't let it be me.") And the most amusing part, we all payed attention completely to the professor and took thorough and detailed notes. AIM was not yet discovered. None of us really knew each other yet, so we were still hanging with the first week clingers. That and like I said, no AIM, we thought we really wanted to learn.

Early October 2005: Reality sets in. Briefing sucks, classes suck, readings suck and most importantly, our social lives have completely been taken over by law school. Outside friends want nothing to do with us because we are boring and are always reading. That, and every story we hear has a "tort" attached to it, and of course, we have to mention this all the time. "So and so got in a car accident? Did she hire a lawyer, cause that might be a case of negligence." Yup - we are now losers.

Mid October 2005 (The bitches meet): I meet Calculating Bitch, and through her Class Bitch. We make quick friends the three of us because we are desperately needing to get away from our clingers and are pretty much just looking for a way out. Calculating said to me, "wanna study?" and since she seemed at the time smarter and less annoying than my current clinger, I readily agreed. Class Bitch I met through her, and she was just as bitchy as myself and Calculating. Common bitchiness = instant friends. Calculating then introduced us to John Roberts and warned, "He's really quiet at first, but the stuff that comes out of his mouth once he gets comfortable....." She was not kidding. The things I learned from that man in the last year I hadn't ever heard of in my life, and I went to an urban "ghetto" high school people. He's a wealth of jokes in humor in bad taste. Again, instant friends. I then introduce them to Lance Ito, who has the ability to get completely drunk on a regular basis, and is a constant smart-ass. You guessed it, friends to all. Scalito is introduced to the rest of us, as Class and Calculating already knew him, and his more demure and yet biting commentary fits in well.

End October 2005: Midterms, panic ensues.

November: Grades from midterms - panic, confusion, disgust, and we quickly start to see that this is just not going to be fun at all. As John Roberts pleasantly puts it, "I feel like I just had a truck parked in my asshole."

Early December 2005: We start talking and hanging out with Sandra Gay, who has as sick a sense of humor as the rest of us, and lo and behold is also attempting to break free from an early law school friend. AIM BEGINS TO TAKE HOLD. Chat rooms are created where things are said that should never be said in public. It's great.

Mid to Late December: Finals - we all decide we hate law school. We study hard for the first exam (once even at my house, although vodka was involved at that 'study session.') Not so much for the second one, and barely at all for the third.

Winter break: We all try to do something that is not at all law related. Anything.

January 2006: Back to classes, and this time we're not so naive. Okay, so the first day we all try to tell ourselves "this semester I'm not going to chat, I'm going to pay attention." That lasted at most, a week. Especially once we got into Crim Law. Good lord, that class was boring.

**Key point: We start the blog. We figured, law school sucks and our school provides constant stories, what better way to pass the time than to make others have to hear about them?

February 2006: Continued lull in our motivation. Notes? "What notes?" Outlines? "Ah, I'll do it at the end." Briefing? As Sandra Gay says, "Christ on a bike, fuck no." Also, we add i'll be anita you play thomas to the blog, as she enters our chats on AIM and blows us away with her bitchiness and smart ass comments about us.

March 2006: Midterms - not so much panic this time, mostly because we realized from first semester that they don't really mean a damned thing. I'm not sure I spent more than an hour for each class studying, really.

April 2006: We start to realize that hey, finals are coming. Damn. Maybe I should've payed attention in class instead of chatting. Then remembering, "oh right, that wouldn't matter anyway." All future law students should learn that you really don't need to pay attention all the time anyway, most of what you need to know for exams you will learn while studying for them.

May 2006: FINALS - we start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's faint, but it's fucking there and it's all that's keeping us going.

May 8, 2006: The day that will live in infamy: We're done!!!!

To all my fellow bitches: lots of love to all, and I hope you're all hung over too. To all the other law students out there who are not yet done with the year, hang on, it's f-ing sweet when it's done.

T-Minus 8 Hours...

...until we are all 2Ls.

But Houston, we have a problem: our Con Law exam stands between us and freedom. And unfortunately, Motivation seems to have forgotten we have an exam, and hasn't bothered to show up.

Please come back baby. I promise not to hurt you any more. I promise it will be like old times; I'll drop the cynicism and care about school again. I'll go back to being a bright eyed, eager, idealistic law student!

On second thought, fuck that shit. I like being jaded, not to mention Motivation gave really lousy head.

Now, what to do about that pesky exam? If only I had decided to go to one of those heathen secular schools, an offer of oral sex might actually get me out of the exam instead of getting me kicked out of law school. I guess I will have to content myself with typing up my outline and being a nelly bottom for the curve.

You Know That

Law Students are spending too much time at school when you go into the bathroom and discover that someone shaved their pubic hair.

Really. That's disgusting. We can excuse the lack of showering and the obviously slept in clothes, but when you shave your pubes in the school bathroom, that's just gross. I don't care that the library is open 24/7. GO HOME!

Nice Nice Baby

In Honor of Our Property Professor:

(To the tune of Ice, Ice Baby, obviously)

Yo MD let's kick it

Nice nice baby (x2)
All right stop grab a fetus and listen
We are back with a brand new adoption
Umbilical grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like the menses daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Check out the maxis, they dam the flow
From the ovaries I give birth like a vandal
Light up a stage and pass the placenta like a candle
Breathe bum rush the baby that cries
I'm killing your pain like a phatty epidural
Deadly when I push a still born chile'
Killin' your kids 'cause of postpartum is a felony
Love it or leave I'm gonna gain weight
You better time your contractions or the kid don't play
If I got a moon cup yo I'll solve it
Check out the crown while my midwife revolves it

CHORUS
Nice nice baby vanillla (x4)

1L Advice: The Books

During our weekly staff meeting here at There's No Competition, we decided that we needed to do something to give back to the community. After much time and reflection, we determined that we could best help all of the current 1Ls out there and prospective law students that read this blog (all four of you) by offering advice.

Okay, in reality we were in an IM chat room during Con Law one day and thought that us dispensing advice would be rather hilarious, seeing as how we are only 1Ls and don't know shit. So here is our first attempt at bestowing our finite wisdom on all who bother to waste their time reading our blog:

What To Do With Your Law Books After Finals are Over

1. Sell them back (only if you want enough money for 2 beers at the bar after your last final).
   
2. Burn them. Throw a huge bash and start a bonfire in your backyard. If your landlord throws a fit, tell him he's intefering with your quiet enjoyment.
   
3. Use them as paperweights. Everyone always needs 7 paperweights that are over 3 inches thick.
4. Use them as doorstops. Never know when you're going to need to build an entire wall to keep that door from slamming shut.
5. Hollow them out and use them to store your valuables. They look impressive on your bookshelves, potential thieves won't take a second glance at them because they have too big of words, and they are thick enough to conceal jewelery and wads of cash.
6. Hollow them out and use them to store your alcohol. They look impressive on your bookshelves, and a liter of stoli fits inside of them nicely. Plus, a row of books makes you look less like a drunk then a row of half-empty bottles of alcohol does. (Mom and Dad will never know that you're an alcoholic.)
   
7. Use them to replace the missing leg from your coffee table.
8. If you don't even have a coffee table, use your books and piece of plywood to create one.
9. Use them to weigh down your Property professor after you dump her cold, lifeless corpse in a lake because she lost your final exam.
10. Keep them and forever treasure the wisdom contained within *snicker.*

Any others that we forgot?

No Such Thing as Free Lunch

Here’s an insider’s tip on law school. The financial aid office gives you a budget at the beginning of the semester allowing about $10 a day for food. That’s not a lot of money unless you can survive on 8 double cheeseburgers and 2 medium fries a day. Here’s what the financial aid office doesn’t tell you: if you play your cards right you can have free lunch every day at school and then take half of your $10 daily budget and spend it on other things. Nice things. Like electricity and rent. Or necessities not included in the budget. Like alcohol. (Although on $5 a day we’re probably talking rubbing alcohol, or worse 40s of malt liquor).

On almost any given day there are seminars, speakers and meetings which all provide lunch. As long as you don't mind being part of the society of women lawyers on Monday, part of Outlaw! on Tuesday, a Republican on Wednesday, attending a career services seminar on Thursday and a Democrat on Friday then you can have free lunch every day.

The catch?

You better have a high tolerance for pizza and bullshit. I used to love pizza. (Even more exciting when it’s Pizza Hut one day and Dominos’ the next.) Never loved the bullshit meetings. However, after eating pizza on average of three times a week at school, I find that I’d rather be eating bullshit then pizza. But poor law students can't be picky, now can they? I should just be happy that all of my tuition money is being so well spent!

A driving rant: Is the turning signal dead?

To those soccer moms, wealthy upper class stuffy men and others who refuse to use their turning signals,

Honestly people. Have we forgotten one of the main rules of drivers ed? Always use your turning signal, let other people know what you are doing. I have noticed a growing trend, and that is that people are not using turning signals. Ever. At least 3 times this week I have been on a busy 3 lane highway and watched as someone in one lane starts to merge into another lane 1) without first checking to see if there was another car in that lane – kind of important and 2) without putting on their turning signal to let the person know they were moving on. Then the other person has to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid getting hit on the side, and then as he moves over to the lane finally realizes at the last possible second “hey, there’s a car there!” and swerves right back to his lane, making everyone behind him slam on their brakes. Is it so much to ask that you use your turning signals? Or at least LOOK before merging? Also, what is with soccer moms in vans turning onto roads, again, without using their turning signals? So when you’re sitting at a 4-way stop with them, and you get there about the same time, even if they’re turning, you sit and wait and then as she’s turning away from you you yell “dammit it lady, if I had known you were turning, I would have gone!” Or my favorite when you are coming driving down the road when they turn right in front of you (into their driveway, psychologist’s office, PTA meeting, lawyer husband’s mistress home to yell and cry at them, whatever) without a signal so you would at least know to move to the other lane, and then you’re stuck waiting behind them. It doesn’t take much effort to use a turning signal, it’s just a flick of the hand really. Please use your turning signals, for the sake of the rest of us on the road. That being said, I’m going to be a lawyer – you hit me because you can’t do a simple thing like that, you are screwed. Okay, the driver rant is over.

Lots of love,
Larceny

What Law Students Major In

You haven't seen anything until you've seen drunken law students throwing darts decked out with marijuana leaves.

And we're going to be lawyers someday. Seriously.

Time Management, anyone?

My Rant for the Day...

Today, noon: Summary judgment brief due.

Today, 10:30 am: Class. Only 30 out of 75 people are there.

Can't anyone manage their time? Come on people, if you really need that last hour and half to finish your brief, you're screwed. We've had the assignment for 30 days. I'm not saying that you need to be done with it days ago or anything, but realistically if you are still working on it an hour before it is due you are a) extremely neurotic or b) you just don't have any idea how to manage your time.

I could understand the argument that you didn't have time to prepare for class today, but the prof told us yesterday that she would not be employing the Socratic method. It was a freebie...

Oh, by the way, for those of you who skipped today, she gave us some answers to the final. No, you cannot have my notes. Yes, I'm being a bitch.

Say What!?

In Mueller v. Oregon (1908) the Court upheld an Oregon law that limited women to no more then ten hours of labor a day. Our Con Law book was evaluating why this law would be okay when the Court had previously said that a law limiting bakery workers to ten hours a day (Lochner) was not okay. It was during the book's discussion of this that I found one of most amusing typos ever*:

"The Court cited the 'inherent difference between the two sexes,' the public interest in 'healthy mothers,' and the need to protect women as indicia of the pubic interest behind the law."

Did you catch that?

Nice to know that there is a pubic interest that lawmakers feel the need to protect. Just think if this typo had occured elsewhere.

On police cars it would now read: "To serve and protect the pubic."

Instead of the local Department of Public Works, it would now be The Department of Pubic Works.

The judge at a sentencing: "I hereby sentence you to 80 hours of pubic service."

The title on the newsletter from Career Services: "Pubic Interest Press"

The sign at the entrance to the library: "Welcome to The Pubic Library"

Instead of the Museum of Public Relations, we'd have the Museum of Pubic Relations.

On the next ballot there would be a referendum for Pubic Health Reform.



*Yes, only a law student such as myself would find typos amusing. What can I say? By the way, for the sake of citing my source, the typo was found in American Constitutional Law by Massey, Second Edition on the top of page 472.

Westlaw=Crack

I have come to realize that giving law students free reign on Westlaw during law school is a terrible, terrible, idea. Here is why... Westlaw sucks us in by offering us unlimited access for free, free printing, and by giving us "Westlaw" Points to be redeemable for fabulous, fabulous prizes (Calculating is aiming for the iPod while I am aiming for a Kate Spade purse for Mrs. Ito). I have truly become a Westlaw Junkie...hoping and wishing for more and more points to satisfy my fix. Here is what they tell me at Westlaw, "research everyday- 20 pts," "answer trivia-10 pts," "attend various seminars- 100-500 pts." In less then a month I have managed to accumulate about 2000 pts (with many, many more still possible before the end of the semester- ask me about the "bingo card.")

Here is what they should tell you about Westlaw before they get you addicted to the free stuff during law school. Once you leave law school, it is really expensive to use it. Several of us here took a Westlaw Seminar entitled "Prepare to Practice" (got us 500 Westlaw points and a beautiful soft leather portfolio) and we found how much it costs out in the real world. Here are just some examples (and the numbers are not exaggerations...).

Typical Database search Costs:

Transactional
Search all cases- $159 (everytime you hit the "Search" button)
Search one state's cases- $52
Keycite a case- $6.25 (per Case- think of a memo you would write which may cite to 20-30 cases)

Hourly
Search all cases- $15.80/minute or $948/hour
Search one state's cases- $6.33/minute, $380/hour

Of course this is without any real discounts (some firms have discounts and will allow you unlimited access but remember a client still does not want to see a $4000 bill for "research"). I just thought I would point this out to everyone before you get addicted, for me it is too late, time to go print out some statutes and earn some more Westlaw Points. (I may need an intervention at some point)

Sick days even suck

Larceny bitch is sitting at home on the couch right now with my laptop and a cup a tea (which I have to be careful with as I have a habit of spilling.) I decided to go to a car show with the significant other last night and proceeded to eat the famous "mini-donut." Never had them before, heard great things, ate them, wanted to die 6 hours later. So yes, I was a good significant other - but now I am paying for it. And I should know better, my whole life has been stomach issues, as I have a stomach that is prone to issues anyway.

But alas, I am staying home from classes because 1) I feel like crap and 2) It is snowing a lot again and I am in no condition for public transportation. Especially if another smelly drunk sits next to me, I will barf. But anyway, you would think this would be kinda awesome, like back when you were a kid and when you stayed home you got to watch TV and have your mom make tea and toast or something. Nope. I will be sitting at home, studying. Granted, I may watch an hour of Dr. Phil (I love him) but that's about it. Otherwise, I will be researching and reading for classes. Damn law school. You can't even rest on a sick day. What is that all about?

Another Reason [not?] to have children...

This has been a recent debate in the Ito household... When I first was dating/engaged, my wife and I had decided we would have 2 children and then likely adopt another for a grand total of 3. However, since then I have had quite the change of heart, now children anywhere (at parties or at the law school) send me into convulsions and I constantly mutter under my breath, DAMN KIDS!!! It's like I have turned into a grumpy old man who can't be bothered by the kids constantly leaving flaming bags of poo on his front door step.

However this reminds me of a story that my old boss once told me...ladies pay attention. My old boss was a real smart guy he had a PhD and his wife was an MD. As smart as I thought he was, he always told me his wife was waaaaay smarter than him. That was before they had children. Now his wife tells him that as she has more children (they now have two) she seems to be losing her ability to remember things and in general seems to be less intelligent then she was before she began reproducing. His response to me was "if you marry a woman smarter then you, get her pregant, it seems to dull both the wit and the intelligence. If I have a few more kids maybe I will finally be smarter than her." Moral of the story- Having babies makes you stupid.

Of course being good lawyers that we are, we need to find the counterargument. My wife put it very eloquently when we were debating the merits of child bearing. She told me this, "Most of the people we hang out with are really smart [either in Law School or in a PhD program, but the very least all of our friends are college graduates] and if all the smart people stop reproducing then what are we going to be left with: a world filled with stupid people reproducing at a very high rate [think poor white trash or ghetto fabulous individuals who have enough children to field a baseball team]. Is this what we really want the future to be? The smart people need to reproduce in order to prevent the "meek from inheriting the Earth." So there you have it...smart people do need to reproduce in order to prevent the "dumbification" of America.

Discuss...

Only a Law Student

A joke that a fellow law student made up:

"There are three alligators sitting next to a pool drinking margaritas. An argument breaks out. Which one started it?"

The Instigator

"Which one won the argument?"

The Litigator

Things I've Realized

• Only a law student would laugh at a joke like that
• Law jokes are terribly cheesy.
• When you try to tell a law joke to a non-lawyer, he will just look at you blankly and you be in a rush to justify, "Well, I guess you had to be there."
• I'd better make friends while I'm in law school, because no normal person is going to want to be my friend once I graduate.

Should've Thought That One Over...

Good Idea:
Taking a break from studying this weekend to relax in front of the T.V.

Bad Idea:
Depending on the Law&Order Marathon that I watched all weekened to get me through my Crim Law midterm on Monday.

Fat Tuesday

Lent is upon us. The powerful and profound time of the church year which calls us to a closer relationship with Christ. I feel compelled to write, because my lenten journey is now complete. In fact, all the spiritual growth and fulfillment I could handle was taken care of the night before Ash Wednesday. Yes folks, I found Jesus on Fat Tuesday at the Old Country Buffet.

Please do not laugh. I am sharing a powerful spiritual experience with you now.... It happened like this.....

I pulled up outside the strip mall. There, nestled in between a gift shop specializing in NASCAR collectibles and a quaint little store with a sign that read, simply, "TOBACCO" was a large temple of love. I did not know what pulled me there or why. It was an invisible force, but I knew I had come to the right place when I saw 2 signs that read, "Tuesdays kids eat free" and "Tonight is steak night." My eyes welled up with tears. I was not sure what to do next, but God had a plan. A large cargo van pulled into the space next to me. 10 Children hopped out. I thought that would be enough of a sign..... after all, Jesus said, "Let the children come to me." right? I could have followed them. But God knew that my "thinking like a lawyer" heart would need more convincing. 2 minutes later the lift from the van was lowered, and a very large woman in a power scooter was lowered to the ground. Two (also very large) men assisted her. She had quite an impressive moustache, and so I figured that this was as close as I would ever get in this day and age to the 3 wise men. I followed them all inside the door.

When I got inside the door, I realized I was going to be waiting in a rather long line for awhile. I marveled at how great the sight ahead of me must be...all of these people waiting for so long just to catch a glimpse. My eyes welled up again. I was moved by the anticipation and the witness of so many people.The line did not seem to move at all, so I asked a man ahead of me, "What's taking so long, and why are so many people here." He must have been moved too, for it was at that moment that he screamed at his girlfriend "I don't owe you any more f*&king support! And I want my Dale Earnhardt Jacket back too you bi*ch!" I waited patiently for his response. He paused, looked at me, and replied, "The line is so f*%$king long because its almost the first of the month you dumbass!" Truely, our god is an awesome god.

Finally, I paid my admission, and was given clearance to behold the glory that appeared before me. Islands and islands of chafing dishes and heat lamps as far as the eye could see...... Hundreds of people, all throwing one another out of the way, pushing their way to the warmth of the lights. I just had to be part of the healing. I set down my purse, threw off my coat and anything else that could have hindered my speed, and grabbed a plate- still hot from the dishwasher- and made my way to the salad bar. I had no problems there. I guess these people must have known that Jesus was nowhere to be found among broccoli and other such wastes of culinary time. I started to panic. The children, the 3 wisemen, the abusive boyfriend prophesying in the line, and the glory of the lights..... I was sure this was where I was supposed to be! Where then, was my salvation!!??

A riotous sound directed my attention across the room. A crowd had formed around one of the islands. I made my way over. I did not know why, but I knew I needed what was there. I pushed my way through many of god's people: women with shirts that read, "It's not PMS, I'm just a bitch", men who wore "I'd rather be fishing" and "I live with fear- occasionally she lets me hunt" hats. I kept going. My faith led me to throw 450lb children out of the way. One even tried to put ketchup on my arm and take a bite. But I ignored the pain, for just as the paralytic found his way to Christ, so I would too, for our Lord said, "Behold, Your faith has made you well."

Finally I beheld the glory of god. I knew what all the excitement was about. There was Jesus. And there he was to share the supper with me. Around him were trays of macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, gravy and...... (I'm close to tears as I say it now).... fried chicken. Jesus handed me a fried chicken leg and said, "Do this in rememberance of me."

I was speechless. But I collected myself, and calmly said, "I am not worthy to recieve this lord, but only say the word, and it shall be so." He smiled at me and said, "Go my faithful child, apply salt and pepper and gravy, for today, I am well pleased."

Con Law: How do I love thee, let me count the ways...

(A take on Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Poem)

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My frustration can reach, when feeling completely incompetent,
For the ends of Commerce and Seperation of Powers. (Please, let them end)
I love thee to the level of everyday's
constant exhaustion, by reading and briefing.
I love thee freely, as law students strive for mediocrity (which is as good as it's gonna get)
I love thee purely, as those same students love Crim Law. (feel the irony?)
I love thee with a passion never to be put to use
In my old briefs, and with my law student's knowledge (of which there seems to be none)
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With the first day of class - (I liked it the first day, honest.)
Smiles, tears (but mostly tears) of all my life! And if God choose,
I shall love thee better after death (because at least then it will be over.)

Never was much of a poet, but my passion (passion for hatred that is) for Con Law grows as the midterm grows near.

If Law School doesn't work out....

This is the IM chat that was going on in a class. Who says you don't learn things in law school? First you must know we were discussing my (girl) friend's attempt to kiss me in front of her fiance in an incredibly drunken stupor)

LarcenyBitch: Yes, the man was excited, but trying not to get too excited in case it didn't work out
John Roberts : the look on the fiance's face
LarcenyBitch: Which it didn't
Sandra Gay: ahhh...
LarcenyBitch: Poor guy
Sandra Gay: he was probably thinking "god, please! i will be in church every sunday for the rest of my life if you just make this happen"
LarcenyBitch: The fact that I was a dancer before, and a ghetto one at that, and was drunkenly showing it made him think this could be interesting
LarcenyBitch: LOL
LarcenyBitch: Yes, he probably was
Calculating Bitch: you were a dancer?
LarcenyBitch: yeah
Calculating Bitch: exotic dancing?
LarcenyBitch: no
John Roberts: plz say yes
Sandra Gay: "let my wife be a freak in the bed....PLEASE GOD!"
Calculating Bitch: with a pole and everything?
LarcenyBitch: Sorry John, no I was not a stripper
LarcenyBitch: She would be a freak if she got a chance
LarcenyBitch: I think he was a little disappointed in me
Calculating Bitch: I know a stripper who blew out her knee doing a pole trick and had to be taken to the hospital and cut out of her boots.
LarcenyBitch: That is awesome
John Roberts: ROFL
Lance Ito: lol
Sandra Gay: lol
Calculating Bitch: She became a waitress after that.
Calculating Bitch: We used to give her shit all of the time.
Sandra Gay: shut up Calculating Bitch
(at this point in class, Sandra Gay is hiding behind her laptop attempting to stifle her giggles)
Sandra Gay: i cant take it anymore
LarcenyBitch: That is the greatest
Sandra Gay: we're having a melt down over here
John Roberts: "and candi's season has been cut short by a torn ligament in her knee"
Lance Ito: i gotta pee...
Calculating Bitch: doesn't look like it
John Roberts: "hopefully we will see her back next season!"
Lance Ito: laughing ain't helping
Calculating Bitch: nope, that was her last dance.
LarcenyBitch: Okay, stop
John Roberts: oh damn
John Roberts: career ending
Calculating Bitch: Except when we would make her get on the tables at Fridays
John Roberts: she probably lost her shot at the hall of fame
Calculating Bitch: only usually took a drink or two
John Roberts: its so sad to see careers cut short like that
Calculating Bitch: then it became Coyote Ugly
Lance Ito: maybe they will make an injury exception for the Hall

FUCT.

Top 10 Things I would rather be doing right now instead of reading Constitutional Law:

10. Listening to Brittney Spears tell me about "her like, best dream ever"
9. Learning about Magic cards or Dungeons and Dragons from a 14-year-old kid.
8. Pulling my toenails out with a needle nose pliers.
7. Watching Dick Cheney and Pat Sajak have sex.
6. Reading the entire Bible for grammatical errors.
5. Letting a goat shit on my face.
4. Learning about the meaning of life from Orrin Hatch.
3. Going door-to-door with the Jehovah's Witnesses.
2. Letting someone perform a "chili dog" on me. (Many thanks to our friends at urbandictionary.com for that one.)
And #1......
Being passed through the large intestine of a 700 lb. NAMBLA member.

Seriously though..... this shit sucks.