Do They Know Something I Don't Know?

I got this in the mail yesterday. It was clearly addressed to Ms. Calculating Bitch, and not current resident, so I know it was intended for me:

"This special time in my life?" Maybe I'm naive but I always thought that I'd be the first to know.

To whomever added me to the freaking pregnant woman mailing list: haha. I will hunt you down.

I love Dr. Phil

I love Dr. Phil. And I don't care what anyone says, I just do. I think I love it the most when he yells at his guests (i.e. "You're 700 pounds! Quit blaming it on the spider bite!" Classic stuff.) I know I should be studying for Property. I have been studying for Property and dammit, I am watching some Dr. Phil. I wonder if it would be easier to be 700 lbs. than take this exam tomorrow. Probably. Especially since we know this Prof. has written the most ridiculously crazy exam. (I believe she thoroughly enjoys the looks of exasperation on our faces when we turn over the exam and see it for the first time.) I betcha Dr. Phil would do better on this exam than any of us, he's from Texas - he knows how to speak her language. Damn, it's over. Now Oprah's on (read: boring). Sigh....Back to Property.

PS: I know all my fellow bloggers (with this blog and others) are also avoiding studying in these moments like myself, as the blogs have been afire with comments and rapid posts in recent days!

In times of need we all could lend a helping hand...

As preparations for the first exam build up to a crescendo I found a way to give back and hopefully get karma on your side...

Good karma is a key prepatory device in order to take an exam (along with prayer, sacrificing virgins, and maybe studying). Go to this guys website and help him out.

When you help others, it not only makes you feel good, but gives back to the community. By helping this guy out, we all benefit in the long run. Do your good deed for the day and make karma your friend.

So law school does teach us stuff, well but we just don't remember it

So today I actually had to remember something I learned way back in Civil Procedure. (Basically, all I remember from that class right now is Diversity jurisdiction, cause it's easy, and maybe a little subject matter jurisdiction - but I wouldn't bet on it.) Anything beyond that, nil. So anyway, I had to find out how to argue for a certain venue. Now see, I barely remember venue, and I'm pretty sure that we didn't talk about it for long, and that I was probably on AIM at the time. But I had this very foggy recollection of the prof saying something about "if you give the defendant a venue in their own area (so it's not the legal term, so what you get the idea) they can't complain!" Or something like that. But of course, I have no idea if he actually said that, or if I made it up, or if he did say it, what case/rule it was about. So ensued 2 hours of me going through Google, Westlaw, and of course, my notes from Civ Pro trying to find an inkling of that. (Curiously, looking back at my notes from the beginning of the year made me laugh realizing I actually took very diligent notes in the early days of my 1L year - ah naive little Larceny, if you could only see the future). Not a damned thing. So I guess once in awhile they do teach you stuff that has relevance later on in the legal world, it's just that remembering it when you need it is unlikely. Then, as I did, you will spend a few hours looking for that faint memory on the always lovable Google and the ever-menacing creation that is Westlaw. My point? Everything you needed to know about the law could pretty much just be found on the internet, so IM away!

100th Post!

Well, we finally reached our first milestone -- 100 posts. In order to commemorate this historic moment, I thought I'd reach into the depths of sitemeter and pull out the best Google searches that have recently lead people to the hallowed pages of this blog. Without further ado:

• "marriage is boring"
• "being a loser"
• "what does it cost to paint a passanger's door on a dodge van"*
• "love con law"
• "how to get a date when you are a loser"
• "person getting hit at a PTA meeting"

Based on the sampling above, I'd say that you can find just about everything that you are looking for here at There's No Competition. Well, that is as long as everything you are looking for has nothing to do with substance. Thanks for reading!

*Yes, the search had "passangers" spelt wrong so this anal rententive editor must have let that one slip through the cracks.

Nice Nice Baby

In Honor of Our Property Professor:

(To the tune of Ice, Ice Baby, obviously)

Yo MD let's kick it

Nice nice baby (x2)
All right stop grab a fetus and listen
We are back with a brand new adoption
Umbilical grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like the menses daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Check out the maxis, they dam the flow
From the ovaries I give birth like a vandal
Light up a stage and pass the placenta like a candle
Breathe bum rush the baby that cries
I'm killing your pain like a phatty epidural
Deadly when I push a still born chile'
Killin' your kids 'cause of postpartum is a felony
Love it or leave I'm gonna gain weight
You better time your contractions or the kid don't play
If I got a moon cup yo I'll solve it
Check out the crown while my midwife revolves it

CHORUS
Nice nice baby vanillla (x4)

1L Advice: The Books

During our weekly staff meeting here at There's No Competition, we decided that we needed to do something to give back to the community. After much time and reflection, we determined that we could best help all of the current 1Ls out there and prospective law students that read this blog (all four of you) by offering advice.

Okay, in reality we were in an IM chat room during Con Law one day and thought that us dispensing advice would be rather hilarious, seeing as how we are only 1Ls and don't know shit. So here is our first attempt at bestowing our finite wisdom on all who bother to waste their time reading our blog:

What To Do With Your Law Books After Finals are Over

1. Sell them back (only if you want enough money for 2 beers at the bar after your last final).
   
2. Burn them. Throw a huge bash and start a bonfire in your backyard. If your landlord throws a fit, tell him he's intefering with your quiet enjoyment.
   
3. Use them as paperweights. Everyone always needs 7 paperweights that are over 3 inches thick.
4. Use them as doorstops. Never know when you're going to need to build an entire wall to keep that door from slamming shut.
5. Hollow them out and use them to store your valuables. They look impressive on your bookshelves, potential thieves won't take a second glance at them because they have too big of words, and they are thick enough to conceal jewelery and wads of cash.
6. Hollow them out and use them to store your alcohol. They look impressive on your bookshelves, and a liter of stoli fits inside of them nicely. Plus, a row of books makes you look less like a drunk then a row of half-empty bottles of alcohol does. (Mom and Dad will never know that you're an alcoholic.)
   
7. Use them to replace the missing leg from your coffee table.
8. If you don't even have a coffee table, use your books and piece of plywood to create one.
9. Use them to weigh down your Property professor after you dump her cold, lifeless corpse in a lake because she lost your final exam.
10. Keep them and forever treasure the wisdom contained within *snicker.*

Any others that we forgot?

No Such Thing as Free Lunch

Here’s an insider’s tip on law school. The financial aid office gives you a budget at the beginning of the semester allowing about $10 a day for food. That’s not a lot of money unless you can survive on 8 double cheeseburgers and 2 medium fries a day. Here’s what the financial aid office doesn’t tell you: if you play your cards right you can have free lunch every day at school and then take half of your $10 daily budget and spend it on other things. Nice things. Like electricity and rent. Or necessities not included in the budget. Like alcohol. (Although on $5 a day we’re probably talking rubbing alcohol, or worse 40s of malt liquor).

On almost any given day there are seminars, speakers and meetings which all provide lunch. As long as you don't mind being part of the society of women lawyers on Monday, part of Outlaw! on Tuesday, a Republican on Wednesday, attending a career services seminar on Thursday and a Democrat on Friday then you can have free lunch every day.

The catch?

You better have a high tolerance for pizza and bullshit. I used to love pizza. (Even more exciting when it’s Pizza Hut one day and Dominos’ the next.) Never loved the bullshit meetings. However, after eating pizza on average of three times a week at school, I find that I’d rather be eating bullshit then pizza. But poor law students can't be picky, now can they? I should just be happy that all of my tuition money is being so well spent!

Happy 4-20 Everyone!!!

Yes it is 4-20.
No, it is not legal to go and smoke pot on the Capitol steps.
Yes, those are my darts from the fabulous party thrown by Calculating.
No, I do not remember the last hour of the party or how I got home (I do love my wife for driving.)
Yes, I was the one who spilled on the wine on the white carpet. (Very devastating...)
No, I do not smoke weed anymore. Quit when I started law school. (Figured I should start obeying the law.)
Question of the Day: Who knows why "4-20" is significant for the stoners? Best/Most Creative Answers gets my undying love...

A driving rant: Is the turning signal dead?

To those soccer moms, wealthy upper class stuffy men and others who refuse to use their turning signals,

Honestly people. Have we forgotten one of the main rules of drivers ed? Always use your turning signal, let other people know what you are doing. I have noticed a growing trend, and that is that people are not using turning signals. Ever. At least 3 times this week I have been on a busy 3 lane highway and watched as someone in one lane starts to merge into another lane 1) without first checking to see if there was another car in that lane – kind of important and 2) without putting on their turning signal to let the person know they were moving on. Then the other person has to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid getting hit on the side, and then as he moves over to the lane finally realizes at the last possible second “hey, there’s a car there!” and swerves right back to his lane, making everyone behind him slam on their brakes. Is it so much to ask that you use your turning signals? Or at least LOOK before merging? Also, what is with soccer moms in vans turning onto roads, again, without using their turning signals? So when you’re sitting at a 4-way stop with them, and you get there about the same time, even if they’re turning, you sit and wait and then as she’s turning away from you you yell “dammit it lady, if I had known you were turning, I would have gone!” Or my favorite when you are coming driving down the road when they turn right in front of you (into their driveway, psychologist’s office, PTA meeting, lawyer husband’s mistress home to yell and cry at them, whatever) without a signal so you would at least know to move to the other lane, and then you’re stuck waiting behind them. It doesn’t take much effort to use a turning signal, it’s just a flick of the hand really. Please use your turning signals, for the sake of the rest of us on the road. That being said, I’m going to be a lawyer – you hit me because you can’t do a simple thing like that, you are screwed. Okay, the driver rant is over.

Lots of love,
Larceny

What Law Students Major In

You haven't seen anything until you've seen drunken law students throwing darts decked out with marijuana leaves.

And we're going to be lawyers someday. Seriously.

How Finals Feel

A visual representation of how finals feel for the average law student!!!

-Scalito

May It Please the Court...

So the 1Ls had oral arguments with the professor that is like the kindergarten teacher of law professors this past week. This how the conversation went after the last of the arguments:

Brazilian Queen: "How did your arguments go?"

Stevens: "I think they went pretty well. The prof told all of us that we should join moot court."

Queen: "She said the same thing to the four of us."

Lance Ito: "She told everyone in my group to join moot court as well."

Another student: "She said the same to us."

Another 1L: "Same here."

Calculating (laughing): "She must have told that to everyone. Hmm, wonder if she's in charge of recruiting?"

Spastic law student guy-that-never-stops-complaining: "But she didn't tell our group that."

Not being told to join moot court by this prof would be the equivalent of telling a five year old that his drawing sucked. The fact that he was not given the gratuitous ego boost from this prof says exactly what we here have all been thinking.

Either way, I don't think I'll be trying out for moot court anytime soon.

Just Hit Send

Know what I love? (Yes, this is my rant for the day).

When someone sends out a school-wide email asking what the Con Law reading assignment is.

Just keep hitting that send button, will you? Not like I don't already get 50+ emails a day at my school account. Not like I'm even in your Con Law section. Not like any of the 2Ls and 3Ls mind getting emails from dumbass 1Ls that can't seem to figure out to either 1) to ask a friend for the assignment, 2) to check the class website for the assignment, or 3) if all else fails to email the prof (and only the prof) for the assignment.

That email is almost as bad as the unsolicited student government campaign emails and the personalized form letters from career services.

While I'm on this track, how about the people that obnoxiously hit "reply to all"? If you get a legitimate school wide announcement (such as an events calendar detailing where free lunch is on any given day) why the hell would you hit reply to all instead of just reply? If you have a question regarding something do you think the rest of us really want to hear it? No. We're narcissistic law students, remember? We are wrapped up enough in our own lives that we don't give a damn about anyone else. So keep your emails to yourself and those that care.

Nice to know that I'm not the only one that hates these types of emails.

Just an Observation...

Nothing gets 1Ls out of bed in the morning and into school by 7:30 except for registration. (Especially when the 2Ls have registered the day before and several classes were already full.)

This is how it went:

12:01 am. Log on to online registration and see if there was anyway that the 8 am registration time really meant just any time the next day.

7:00 am. Log on to the online registration and see if 8 am registration meant that you could actually get in by 7 am.

7:05 am. Hear the rumor that several 1Ls got into the system at 7:50am last year and registered for all of their classes. The registrar quickly found out, bumped them from all of their classes and then they had to wait until everyone else finished registering before they could get back into the system.

7:10 am. Look at the online class schedule and take inventory as to what is already full and which classes only have a few spots. Prioritize which classes to register for first to make sure that those coveted classes don't fill too quickly.

7:30 am. Usually only a handful of students are in the building by this time. Today: already seen over 50 1Ls and counting.

7:45 am. Log on to online registration and begin count down.

7:50 am. Ten minutes to go. You can sense the tension in the air. Competition to complete registration first is cut throat.

7:55 am. Over half of the 1L class has now been seen roaming around school.

7:59 am. Continuously hitting refresh on the online registration page. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh and we're in.

8:01 am. Add class, add class, add class. Hit register. Done.

8:04 am. Professional Responsbility: Full. Business Associations: Full. Evidence: Full. Jurisprudence: 1 spot left. Federal Tax: 5 spots left. All fun electives: Full.

8:07 am. Every required class: Full.

8:10 am. Late risers waking and recalling that 1L registration was 8 am. Logging on to registration to discover only classes left: Bioethics, Feminist Jurisprudence, and Poverty Law.

So, I guess having registration at 8am is what it takes to get the 1Ls out of bed.
(Seriously, there were more 1Ls at school the other morning then there usually are in our 9 am classes. Probably the first time ever that everyone was in Con Law that morning.)

Now not only am I cool, but I drive a cool car

So this past Monday, Larceny Bitch got a new car. (The old car was no longer happy with me and started smelling and acting funny). I've been driving it for 3 days, and it's already saved my life like 4 times, (Great brakes on the little thing.) Why do people not pay attention to stop signs? Are they just a suggestion? (My annoyance with the loss of use of turning signals can be another discussion later).

Yesterday, I was tooling around in my little hot rod, and was coming down a road that is known as a busy road. There are no stop signs, but all the crossroads do have stop signs (for obvious reasons.) Well, as I'm driving down this road, I see a woman coming up to a stop sign on one of the cross roads. Does she stop? Of course not. She kinda pauses, then looks (sees me and the guy next to me coming down on her) and then proceeds to go anyway. Why would you just roll right through it and cause me and the guy next to me to have to slam on our brakes? As she sees me and this guy slam on our brakes she then decides to STOP in the middle of the intersection. So we can see already that this woman is not only a great driver, but brilliant as well. My car stops maybe 5 feet before I would have broadsided her. She then proceeds to hit the gas and keep going (without looking at me or the guy next to me.) At least have a regretful look on your face lady. I just lost half my new brake pads on that one!

But anyway, me and little G made it through. I then had to pull into a law firm parking lot (where I now work) where about half of the attorneys are personal injury attorneys and said to myself "Look Larceny, if you're going to get in a car accident today or are going to hit something, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT hit a car in this parking lot." I would have been screwed. I think PI attorneys should have bumper stickers on them that say "Beware: Personal Injury Lawyer" - Everyone would keep a nice distance from them, they'd never be bothered by other drivers. Hmmmm....maybe I should be one, then if that lady had hit me, she would have been in for a world of hurt.

The Things You Learn from Sitemeter

To the person that found our site by Googling "I enjoy smoking spanked" just what the hell were you looking for?

The most interesting site clicked over from this past week was this.

The most read post of the past two weeks has been about Westlaw. To the person from Thompson West who read it, I hope you enjoyed it. I wonder if West has a job that requires a person to spend all day Googling "Westlaw"?

The Aftermath

I had a party last night.

Empty bottles of wine: 10

Beers drank: 92

Time last person passed out: 5 am

Obscene messages written on my fridge: 3

Red wine stains on my white carpet: 1

Minutes of video footage of Lance Ito, John Roberts, Sandra Gay and Scalito singing karaoke and busting a few druken moves (which I feel compelled to disclose to the state board of law examiners prior to allowing them to sit for the bar): countless.

This is why I could never be a teacher.......

Okay, so Sandra Gay and I are team teachers in a program where we go to a local high school and teach students about how the law affects their lives. (Like they care) We have seriously avoided it for the last 3 weeks, but must go back today. Both of us woke up this morning fairly happy thinking, “hey, our brief is done, today we can go to class and then come home and sleep.” And about halfway through each of our mornings, a light finally came on and we both exclaimed: “F---! We have to teach!”

I have to note for all of you, that we are teaching at an alternative, alternative high school. (Meaning our students got kicked out of alternative schools – yeah.) Which means all they really care about is Criminal Law. And we can’t teach that til the end cause it’s all we got to hold on to their attention. Which also means everything else bores them (and us).

Employment Law: “I don’t need to work, I’ll just get on welfare.” Brilliant plan. Housing Law: “It’s not as hard as you guys say to get out on your own. My homies will help me.” Good luck with that kid. Family law: “She can’t make me pay child support, I just won’t get a job!” Population control is a great idea. And finally Constitutional Law: “We like the right to bear arms right thing!” Of course you do.

So today we are going back, and you can imagine how excited we are about it. I’m sure it’ll be a great class on Immigration law – I can see it now “Why the f do we need to let more people here?!” The only thing that could make this impending headache better is if our adviser came: she of the emails “Let me know if you guys need more help okay???? Good job with classes!!!!! Thanks!!!!!” (And yes, the punctuation is accurate, and she is a future lawyer) Pray for us. We're going to need it.

Time Management, anyone?

My Rant for the Day...

Today, noon: Summary judgment brief due.

Today, 10:30 am: Class. Only 30 out of 75 people are there.

Can't anyone manage their time? Come on people, if you really need that last hour and half to finish your brief, you're screwed. We've had the assignment for 30 days. I'm not saying that you need to be done with it days ago or anything, but realistically if you are still working on it an hour before it is due you are a) extremely neurotic or b) you just don't have any idea how to manage your time.

I could understand the argument that you didn't have time to prepare for class today, but the prof told us yesterday that she would not be employing the Socratic method. It was a freebie...

Oh, by the way, for those of you who skipped today, she gave us some answers to the final. No, you cannot have my notes. Yes, I'm being a bitch.

Fixed link

Here is the link for all of you who are just dying to hear what Calculating Bitch posted. Note, this is only funny to law students.

Maybe I Can Do This...

So our summary judgment motions are due Wednesday (thank god thats almost over) and now we are starting to prepare for our oral argument presentations next week.

Problems with this: 1) we're really sick of dealing with this topic, 2) public speaking is nerve racking and 3) we're only 1Ls -- how much do we really know?

But after hearing this, maybe there is hope for us!

I mean, we can be lawyers, right? We're already more competent then that guy.

And you thought being a loser in law school would make it hard to get dates

No reason for anyone in law school to not get a date.

Even these people are getting dates. - Not safe if in class or quiet area in library. (not that they shouldn't, but I'm just sayin')

So for all those who (especially in my class) complain that it's hard to find someone in law school. Just think, at least you don't have to do this.