AssHusband Strikes Again.

I love my hubby, really I do. But sometimes, I want to punch him. But a figurative punch, not literal (for any of you future prosecutors out there.) The following conversation ensued:

Thursday

(AssHusband comes home from work with a bag from Target.)
Me: What did you get?
AssHusband: Oh, just some stuff I needed, and a toy.
Me: Another Hot Wheel? (Yes, he collects Hot Wheels. At least he doesn't collect prostitutes.)
AssHusband: Yeah. It's cool, wanna see it?!
Me: Not really. You know, how come everytime you go to Target you get yourself some little present, and you never get me anything? (Seriously, he goes like once a week)
AssHusband: ........

Friday

(AssHusband comes home again with a bag from Target.)
Me: You went to Target again?
AssHusband: Yeah, I forgot something yesterday. And guess what?! I got you a present!! (Imagine this with a really excited and proud look on his face.)
Me: (Kinda really excited) Oh yeah? What is it??
AssHusband: Here! (And he reaches in, and pulls out.........an oven mitt.)
Me: Is this an oven mitt?
AssHusband: Yeah, we needed one, and look it's in your favorite color!
Me: .............

1) Do not buy your wife/girlfiend an oven mitt as a gift.
2) It does not count as a gift if we needed it in the first place.
3) Again, an oven mitt is not a gift. It is not fun.
4) Someone teach my husband the nuances of gift buying please. Larceny will forever be in your debt.

12 comments:

Butterflyfish said...

My asshusband and I joke about buying eachother presents -- I always add "Surprise for Me" on food shopping or Honey-Do lists.

He's learned the way to my heart -- when he buys me a "present" or "surprise" -- Lindt dark chocolate truffles. THAT's a present.

John Roberts said...

Asshusband continues to be my hero.

Lance Ito said...

Dear Asshusband,

A great way to get on your wife's good side is to just buy a dozen roses when you go out and buy groceries for the household. As long as it is not [insert Hallmark holiday here], the dozen roses shouldn't cost you more than $15. And if she doesn't like roses, the other flowers are even cheaper.

Sincerely,

Lance Ito

P.S. Larceny, I assume you like flowers?

P.P.S. For everyone in the know, Mrs. Ito is now Dr. Ito.

Calculating Bitch said...

Larceny -- tell AssHusband to hire a maid. NOW that is a gift.

Or, actually, knowing you a bottle of Jameson and some ginger ale would be a faster way to your heart.

PS - My own asshusband (let's call him butthead) just asked me what the latest blog post was about. His response after I told him: "But that is a really nice gift." Why do I have the feeling that I'll be getting a vacuum cleaner for my birthday?

Justice Moustache said...

I will require more information about this oven mitt before I can make an informed decision.

Guy Fawkes said...

Justice Ito,
I think you are discounting the fact (yes, it's a fact in my vast experience) that women frown on inexpensive flowers. This reaction almost always is the result regardless of original intent.

Thanks,
Guy Fawkes

Lance Ito said...

I stand by my argument that a woman would rather receive flowers of any kind than an oven mitt (unless we are talking about the "ove glove"). Whatever happened to the concept "its the thought that counts"?

Larceny Bitch said...

Except carnations Lance. Trust me. I see those, I know they cost at most 3 bucks. Also, to Calculating, AssHusband was quite amused by Butthead and proud of himself after that. Then again, at least a vacuum cleaner can do things.

Scalito said...

In re: flowers. My wife (before becoming so) asked me never to buy her flowers as they are a waste of money. What a woman!

Now as for mothers day. I'm thinking a new Dyson vacuum is appropriate.

-scalito

dicta said...

"it's the thought that counts" is one of the biggest estrogen-initiated scams since "i'd really love to, but i have a headache." it was created so that you get them something, which they can then use as a relationship ruler to judge how much you really love them.

that said, my girlfriend has also said there's not much point in buying flowers, since they die after a few days anyway.

John Roberts said...

From a classic IRC transcript:

IronChef Foicite: well, there's a lot of reasons
IronChef Foicite: i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks
IronChef Foicite: and that's if you leave them in water
IronChef Foicite: and they really only exist to be pretty
IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying
IronChef Foicite: "my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"
IronChef Foicite: but a potato!
IronChef Foicite: potatos last for fucking ever, man
IronChef Foicite: in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack
IronChef Foicite: that part alone makes it a good symbol
IronChef Foicite: but there's more!
IronChef Foicite: there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it!
IronChef Foicite: and that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you"
IronChef Foicite: and potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome
IronChef Foicite: so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"

numberfour said...

Well, there's so much to be said:
First, flowers are nice, and if you put that little packet of stuff in the water and change the damn water once in a while, they'll last a long time. Mine from before Easter are still on the mantle, and not smelly or anything.
Then again, the OveGlove rocks. You can totally put your hand right into boiling water (if you're into that sort of thing) and not even get burned. But a regular stupid oven mitt -- no good, that.
Mr. Ito, does Dr. Ito now demand that you refer to her as "Dr.?" If so, I like her even more.
Scalito, the Dyson never stops sucking, even when it's full. Think about that before purchasing.
And John, I love you, but I think you have issues. The whole potato thing scares me.