More From Our Esteemed Career Services...

From: Calculating Bitch
To: The LawBitches

This is on career services’ site. Seriously. I took the liberty of highlighting some of the more relevant parts...

Employer: Mall
Division: Security Department
Title: Security Officer / Full-Time

TRAINING/SKILLS REQUIRED:
*High School diploma or equivalent required, post-secondary education preferred.
*Must have good customer relation skills.
*Ability to remain calm and effective in stressful situations; ability to accept direction.
*Ability to work variable and/or rotating shifts, which includes nights, weekends and holidays.
*Must possess a valid driver's license. Must be at least 18 years of age.
*Working knowledge of state and federal criminal justice statues and law enforcement procedures preferred.
*Must be able to meet physical demand of the position including: frequent and sustained walking, occasional running, bending, stooping, squatting, twisting, crawling and frequent and extensive use of hands and arms.
*Ability to communicate effectively over the radio required.
*Training in first aid, CPR, and related public safety skills preferred.
*Three months of on-the-job experience as a security officer preferred.

ADDITIONAL REQUIREMENTS:
*You will be required to submit to drug and alcohol testing as a condition of employment in the Security Department.
*You will be required to successfully complete an in-house 240-hour training program consisting of a combination of rigorous physical training and skills training.
*You must maintain an adequate level of physical fitness to perform duties of position effectively (i.e. timely and effective response to emergency situations).
*A degree is not required, however prior experience in a related field is preferred.

Position Type: Full-time Permanent (Post-Graduate)

Practice Area(s): Administrative Law, Civil Rights, Communications Law, Constitutional Law, Criminal- Defense, Criminal- Prosecution, Employment, Government, Human Rights

Salary Range: $11-15

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From: Anita

SERIOUSLY?!??!?!?!

Why do they even get paid?

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From: Roberts

Actually I'm really happy they posted this job because I know there is at least one job I can apply to and maybe even get for after graduation.

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From: Lance Ito

Well it is a job even the person who finishes last in our class is qualified to do...

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From: Sandra Gay

So is a posting for “Professional Moustache Rider!” I know they would say that at least the other one is somewhat related to the law, but honestly, if I created a job posting which said “KINKYCO, INC seeks ‘law enforcement officer’ to punish naughty, naughty boys” I bet they’d post that shit.

Quote of the Day Courtesy of Lance Ito

So Lance Ito and I are sitting in the library (like good law students). Mostly we are discussing the kick-ass LawBitch happy hour that is going on tonight (what? It's Oktoberfest!) I pull out my paycheck that I got today from The Firm and started whining about how now that I'm not working full time, the paycheck's are depressing. And then I started bitching about the taxes. And then I said "OASDI tax? What the fuck is that??"

Lance Ito: "I think it's a safety thing."

Me: "No, that's OSHA." (And then I start laughing hysterically.)

His response? "Hey, I'm not going into tax or social security law. Fuck."

And then we discovered that OASDI is the Old Age, Survivor's, and Disability Insurance Tax. Yeah. I said it was bullshit they got the biggest chunk of my paycheck. And Lance Ito said "Fuck the old people, I don't care what they had to eat on the island during 'Nam, they don't get my money."

But Lance Ito, what about their safety?

Gotta Love Your Job, Right?

A 3L relaying the fun parts of the job:

3L #1: "So apparently the defendant called and told the judge yesterday that myself and my co-counsel were at her house doing meth with her over the weekend."

Several other 3Ls, laughing.

3L #1: "This is serious, guys. What do I do?"

3l #2: "Go in for a drug test?"

3L #1: (Sigh.) "All I know is that if I lose any teeth before this next hearing, I'm fucked."

For Fuck's Sake

We just had to interrupt our Corporations class for five minutes so that the professor could instruct us on how to pass around the attendance sheet.

The saddest part is that she couldn't figure it out either so she's changed policy and we can sign it either five minutes before class or after class. If I sign it before class, there is a strong chance I won't be staying. If I sign it afterwards, I'll have to wait in line with the other 70+ people. Hopefully all the 2L gunners (redundant description?) will sign it before class in another fruitless attempt to kiss ass, despite the fact that we have blind grading.

She'll Rue the Day*

To the dumb bitch who was sitting in 36A on the 3:45 pm flight from San Francisco,

Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Love,
Calculating

PS - To top it all off, I saw you down those two mini-bottles of Bombay in the back of the plane. Way to be a complete drunk in front of your kids. Good call. Also, you are really at that age where your kids could easily be mistaken for your grandkids. Good job on doubly screwing them over.



To the LawBitches,

I got the dumb bitch's license plate number, which means I will soon have her name and address. She'll never know where it came from, so start compiling a list of ways in which we will terrorize her.

Yours Truly,
Calculating


*I've always wanted to use the phrase "rue the day" in a blog post.

The Greatest Client ever!!!11!!!!!11

I think he may have filed most of his cases pro se, but still... May I present to you:

Jonathan Lee Riches. Enjoy.

PS- please don't ever represent somebody like this, I will hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.

One more Reason I MUST become a Judge.

Credit to John Roberts, this is his find: Absolutely the best proof that justice in the South freakin' rocks.

Another Difference Between 2Ls and 3Ls

Today I printed off a rather long document. As I walked up to the printer to claim my print there was a 2L standing there starting to freak out. She grabbed my document off of the printer and said, "Omigod. This is already 20 pages. What is this like a freaking novel?"

"Yes, actually, it is," I said, grabbing the first 30 pages off of the printer. (Rather then pay for a law-related novel I have to read for a class, I downloaded the e-book and printed it off. I can assure you, much cheaper [read: free] this way.)

The 2L then proceeded to wig out.

"You can't print this many pages out! I have a paper that is due for class in three minutes!" She wailed.

"Well, I printed first and I am not canceling my print now." Then, just to egg her on, I added, "Why are you waiting until three minutes before class starts to print your paper anyway?"

She just kind of looked at me blankly, and then whined, "I don't have the time to wait for this." At that point my novel had only printed 40 out of the 90 pages so I took pity on her. I showed her how to map to another printer nearby and reprint her paper. She ran off, retrieved it ,and then went flying out of the library to class.

As this is all happening, a 3L walks up to the printer and stands by it, waiting. I walked over and said, "You waiting for a paper? Sorry, but it is still going to be a few minutes with my printing."

"Oh, I don't care if I'm late to class." The 3L then proceeded to wait for the next four minutes while the novel finished printing. Then she calmly grabbed her pages, stapled them, and meandered off to the same class the 2L had already dashed off to.


Ahhhh, it's great to be a 3L and not care. It's even more fun to be a 3L and antagonize the 2Ls that still do care.

I hope our Corporations professor is taking notes

Attention 2Ls

I know you guys don't know your ass from a hole in the ground, so here's another friendly tip from me to you.¹

When after five minutes of discussion, the professor definitively states the answer and wants to move on, that means you should let the discussion move on, not continue to employ your same stupid losing argument. The professor wasn't swayed the first time, s/he isn't going to be swayed the second time just because you managed to work in some bullshit you learned in Contracts your first year.

¹Your ass is the one the professors keep sticking their dicks into

Why is it Always the Douche Bags with their Mouths Open?

I had a class this week in which one of the students made sure to point out to the rest of us that he is "here on scholarship."

Here's the thing: Shut the hell up!

Our law school is one in which perhaps 4 out of 5 students have received at least some sort of modest-to-high-end scholarship to attend. And, knowing the student who pointed out his scholarship, Im willing to bet 4 out of 5 recipients get more than this guy.

There are two responses to the "I'm on scholarship" line that we sometimes here:

1) Fuck you. I'm paying through the fucking ass to sit here, and the last thing I want to hear is about how you aren't.

2) Mines bigger than yours. In my extensive time in higher ed, I've learned that scholarships are like penis size: the more someone is bragging about it, the smaller it probably is. It is infuriating to hear someone brag immodestly (thats in contrast to "bragging modestly") about something that you know they probably shouldn't be bragging about. But the rest of us are just too sage/wise/tactful to smack down the braggart by informing the individual that, "really you're not that special."

And for those of you who think we've been dissing on 2Ls disproportionately lately (shut up in class already!), this was a 3L who hadn't yet learned his lesson.

Ironic...in an Alanis Morissette kind of way...

We're the #4 Google hit for "law school isn't for you."

A video of a monkey drinking his own pee

Roll Call

I be ethical. That's all I'm going to say about that. For those of you who don't know, the MPRE scores came out today. It determines how good you will be at being a shady attorney. I'm going to be pretty good, but Calculating is going to be even more shady. I'm so proud.

This is never going to work...

So I decided to do a little chicken-hawking and ask one of the 1Ls if he would like to join me for a "networking opportunity" on Friday. I mean, they're so cute, like little bunnies, can you blame me? (you just want to hold them to your chest and squeeze them with love until they breathe no more... um. ah. nevermind.)

Well, the 1L turned me down, which is fine, but he did it for a reason I find absolutely otherworldly: he's going to be staying in to get caught up on the reading for the following week. On Friday. Friday night. Um. What?

I think I just realized why dating a 1L isn't such a good idea.

They still read.

To the 1L that cut me off.....

You need to calm the fuck down. Look, I realize that you, at the last minute, realized that you were about to miss the parking ramp at school and apparently, turning right in front of me was a really good idea to you. Let me illustrate your maneuver (with special thanks to John Roberts for the artwork, this would have taken me YEARS, also this kept us busy in Corporations):

Key
Purple block thing: School ramp
Cute little red girl car: Me
Black SUV: Little shithead

Maybe you just couldn’t see me in my little cute car because you were driving the world’s largest fucking SUV (sidenote: do you really need that thing to go to fucking school?), but turning in front of me from the outside lane, was not cool. My little car has enough problems without you taking its entire front end off. My favorite part was when I honked at you angrily and you just act as if you have no idea that you did anything wrong and keep going. And then proceed to drive very slowly through the parking ramp. Look, it’s 1:10pm, there are no spots on the first floor. Just keep the fuck going, because you’re wasting my time and I already want to beat the crap out of you so don’t make it worse. I was willing to give you some slack since you’re a 1L, and maybe you haven’t figured this out after one week of classes, but to thereafter screech into a handicapped spot on the 3^rd floor because you’re in such a hurry and just can't keep going, is unacceptable.

How do I know you’re a 1L you ask? Oh, well that would be for several reasons. First, your driving illustrates that you have no fucking clue how to drive downtown and are probably from Debumfuck, Hickstate and are still confused about traffic lights. (The Jesus Fish and American Flag also helped in this assessment). Second, as soon as you screeched into the handicapped spot, you jumped out (I know this because several spots down was an open spot that I parked in and kept an eye on you to give you the dirty eyeball), you then slammed your door and RAN to class. How does this make you a 1L? Well, it’s about 1:15, and classes start at 1:30. And you are running full speed to a class on the first floor. Third, and finally, when I gave you a dirty look, you didn’t know enough to look scared. If you hadn’t been running away I would have roundhouse kicked you into the wall for almost hitting me, and I can do it. I generally like my car and don’t take a liking to people trying to smash it just so they can get to class early.

Look, I realize that you 1Ls this year are crazy, and are basically foaming at the mouth over Contracts or whatever, but this is just stupid. You don’t get extra points for getting there early. Parking ramps are fairly easy to maneuver, if you can’t figure that out, you are so royally screwed already. Also, if you hit my car, I will totally kick your ass. Also, I will find out who you are and have John Roberts sign you up for various porn sites. And have Calculating Bitch blacklist you (I have no idea what kind of blacklist, but I'm pretty sure she could do something of that nature). And then I will have Swinging Kennedy publicly mock you. What else do us 3Ls have to do?

Overheard in Evidence

"Fucking 2Ls. Maybe we should offer complimentary wetwipes at the end of class so they can remove the brown from their noses."

Labor Day: Reminding You of All That is No More

Ahhh... That was fun.

And now this isn't.

Labor Day is fun because it is a "bury your head in the sand" sort of thing that reminds most of us that at one time we did have a life, got to play outside, had friendships and relationships outside of school, and had free time to hang around and not feel like you had a ton of shit to do. We drink, not out of need or social anxiety, but because its fun.

But, as with many "bury your head in the sand" activities, Labor Day is truly only a cruel taunt, which actually increases the sand pile you are buried in, setting upon you an endless task list to which you WILL comply. And all that fun stuff over the weekend? Well, fall break will be coming up soon. You can make it till then. Right?

Back to drinking out of necessity.