It's Not Like We Pay Attention

Seeing as how we are now such highly educated 2Ls and can address the tough issues with sensitivity and understanding, a recent survey here at There’s No Competition decided to ask the LawBitches a hard hitting question:

What are your favorite classroom distractions?

• Fantasy Football
• Pink is the New Blog
• Drudge Report
• Dooce.com
• Apple store
• Do Dump or Marry over IM
• Categories over IM
• Dynomite
  
• Facebook
• Myspace
• Zuma
• Stealing others iTunes music
  
• Wikipedia
• Legal Research
  
• Preparing for next class
• Create-a-Character
• Advice from the PD
• Making Demotivational Posters
• Pretending to be Jackson Pollock
• Gunner Bingo
• Oregon Trail – old school style
• Zork
• For the days that the wireless isn’t working: FreeCell and Spider Solitaire

Lack of Motivation

And Our Westlaw Stalker is Back...

*We're the #2 & #3 hits on Google for "Westlaw sucks."

WTF is Wrong with the People who Wrote the Federal Income Tax Code?

So I am doing my Federal Income Tax homework, and like every other time, it is some tedious shit. The homework pretty much involves looking up different sections of the code in our book. Our book consists of a "pared down" version of the federal income tax code. Even though it is pared down, it still comes in around 12,000 pages.

So as I am doing the homework, I am having to flip back and forth through the book from section to section, and I wonder why in the holy fucking hell do I have to jump hundreds of pages back and forth to deal with one subject instead of having all the rules for that subject listed together (or maybe even just 50 pages apart)?

My guess is that the people who wrote the code are either:
a) stroke survivors barely capable of wiping themselves
b) people who think that scavenger hunts make "great team building exercises"
c) people so fucking sick that they still wouldn't use their safeword even though their cock ring got twisted so far their testicles just blasted out the bottom of their scrotum

a) is right out. Sure, the authors are government employees so you expect bottom of the barrel types, but even the government has standards (unlike say, Paris Hilton).

b) is also out, because people who believe in "great team building exercises" torture people in the private sector as middle managers.

That leaves c) as the only option, which if you think about it makes sense. If you don't start out as a sick fuck when you get a job writing the tax code, you certainly will end up one by the time you finish. I guess they should rename it the IRS&M.

The fight.......

No complaining (dicta), we've already posted twice today...so keep reading (below this post)....today we meet a Supreme Court justice....in the meantime....we fight.

Over here at the LawBitch’s school, we had an “incident.” This “incident” made it around the school in less than 24 hours. Let’s just say, we’re pretty sure this 1L is gonna want to transfer schools. Here’s the story (at least the version heard by the LawBitches).

So a couple of 3Ls and 2Ls were in a study room in the library. An important thing to know is that our school has several floors, only one of which is noise friendly. The rest of them are “quiet zones.” So, the 2L and 3L group was hanging out on one of these quiet zone floors, in a study room. They were talking, hanging out, doing the usual 2L/3L stuff (i.e. not studying, cause we don’t really care anymore.) So anyway, a 1L, yes a 1L, walked up to one of the 3Ls and started yelling in his face to shut up, screaming at him that this was “a quiet zone!” Then, the 1L ran over to the librarian and told the librarian that a bunch of other students were being too loud. So the 3L went over to him and apparently a few of his little 1L friends who were also upset and said (and this is not verbatim) “I’m sorry if we upset you guys, but this is where we have always hung out, we’ve been here for a few years, and it’s what we’ve always done. We didn’t mean to upset you.” To this, the 1L walked up to the 3L and proceeded to scream in his face, all the while calling him various names, such as “trust fund baby.” The 3L, in ever-calm, I could care less 3L fashion, just stood there and calmly tried to get the 1L to calm down.

It apparently got quite heated, and the 1L was in the 3L’s face and yelling. Eventually, another friend of the 3L came between them, turned to the 1L and said fairly calmly, “Look, back off or I will break your skull.” To which the 1L went and told the dean that some students were “being mean to him,” and had “threatened him.” Yes, very mature, go tell "your mommy."

No, the LawBitches were not in the group, I was not the one that threatened him (although it does seem to fit my personality, I know). No one really knows who the 1L is, but we mean to find out. Because the next day, the school sent out an email to the entire student body that we needed to “respect one another” and “remember the quiet zone.” So the 2Ls and 3Ls are walking around in the library saying “Better be quiet, a 1L might kick your ass.” And then laughing hysterically. The kid might want to change schools. Just a thought

Nothing Like a Free Lunch

-----Original Message-----
From: The Dean
Subject:Tomrrow's Events with Justice Scalia

Dear students,

As you recall, the [law school] is hosting the Formal Investiture of our [one of the former professors] who has just been appointed [as a federal judge]. One of the guests and speakers at the Investiture will be United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia….

Noon to 12:30 pm – Buffet luncheon served on the first floor. Those who wish to attend Justice Scalia’s talk should go through the buffet line promptly at 12 noon, eat your lunch in the auditorium style seating, and await Justice Scalia’s arrival. The buffet line will close by 12:30, so that everyone from the community will be seated when I introduce Justice Scalia. My strong suggestion is to get into the buffet line as close to noon as possible…

Minutes after this email was sent the following conversation ensued:

The Reasonable Peep: a) I love that he spelled tomorrow wrong; and b) who wants to go and meet before hand? Say first floor at 11:45 so we can be at the front of the buffet line?

Anita: I'll see your buffet line at 11:45 and raise you a breadstick. A bird told me that Scalia refused to be flown back commercially, instead insisting on a private jet. I'm not saying anything, just thought it was interesting......

Larceny: Wouldn’t you insist on a private jet if you could? That would be sweet.

Clarence Thomas: Im in… Don’t forget your rainbow buttons… Oh, and don’t worry, I’ll have plenty of extras on hand.

John Roberts: rainbow buttons? gaaaaaay. what's next? rearranging our closets because winter is coming? ;-)

Clarence Thomas: LOW BLOW! (and not in a good way) … What John… Were you rooting around in my closets while you were at my apartment? Creep.

John Roberts: if by rooting around in your closets you mean smelling your underwear while i touch myself, then yes

Clarence Thomas: Id like my key back now, please.

John Roberts: it's on your table, along with some money for the pair of undies i kept

Larceny: Ahhhhhhh……friendship.

Lance: I'll be there as well...

Anita: Lance, I'm not sure if you meant you'll be at the Scalia thing or that you'll be on Clarence’s table, along with the money?!?!!!?

Larceny: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Anita you are my hero for the day

Lance: I earmuffed that whole conversation...I'm thinking pure thoughts in anticipation of Scalia. :)

Clarence Thomas: You just want to get under those robes and get some Italian Sausage loving

John Roberts: mmmm, spicy, i mean bitter

Lance: I'm sooo looking forward to you being called a terrorist...you and your "homosexual agenda..." If you can get Scalia to call you a terroist...you will be my hero

Larceny: I dare someone to stand up to ask Scalia a question and bring up Italian Sausage. It can be as an example. “Justice Scalia, say I eat an Italian Sausage and choke on it….”

So a Supreme Court Justice comes to visit. You'd think we'd be a little more mature. But no.

Tonight's Class

I love rappers, they think up the best stuff

This post on Tyler Durden pretty much made me laugh out loud while I should have been writing a summary judgment motion.

Honestly now. No, seriously. You would think no one is dumb enough to seriously believe this. But oh yes, they do. Once, when I was in high school, a girl I knew found out that her boyfriend had gotten a girl pregnant at a party that he had not invited her to (Hm-wonder why.) So when she broke up with him, he pleaded with her that she had raped him. How you ask? He was much more clever than ol' DMX. He said, "well, we were hanging out in [Random hs guy who always threw the parties] bedroom, and we were just talking, and all of a sudden she straddled me. Before I knew it, she was having sex with me." Ah yes, somehow, she was able to get onto you, take off your clothes, and have sex with you, all while you (an ex-football player and wrestler) just laid there motionless. Consider this: DMX has been arrested like, a gajillion times for various crimes. He's not exactly a gentle, quiet, frightened man if you know what I mean.

So this brings me to the only thing I actually remember from Crim Law (and to be honest, I don't remember much, so I'm pretty impressed with myself), to have rape you must have 1) sex, with 2) force and 3) without consent. I'm guessing ol' DMX only fits under number 1. Maybe No. 2 if she likes it rough. I am willing to concede however that this might be a situation a la Kobe Bryant, and bitch is just trying to compete and get herself a 9 carat diamond ring. Then when she and Vanessa get together to discuss their husband's transgressions, she will totally make other bitch jealous. And that people, is what it's all about in rich-ville. That, and the alimony/divorce settlements. (When it comes to screwing people over and fighting over money - Lawyers are always involved)

Julia Roberts Was of No Help, So I Googled It...

So this is by no means a substitute for a real post and I hate only posting this "hey-look-what-I-found-on-sitemeter" bullshit, but seeing this search made me laugh aloud:

"How To Be a Good Prostitute"

Which makes me wonder:
1) Who searches for this type of thing?

• A pimp looking for an article to give to his girls?
  
• A whore who was told that she sucked at her job?
• A desperate husband hoping to give some pointers to his wife?
  
• A poor law student thinking about becoming an escort?
  

2) What exactly are they looking for?

• Basic Instructions: how to turn a trick?
  
• Marketing Techniques: how to target rich men in classy cars
  
• Management Techniques: how to master your street corner?
• Maximizing Profits: how not to turn all of your money over to your pimp and the IRS?

3) Why does our site come up under this search?

• This is purely rhetorical, for I actually know where this search ends on our site. In our responses to What We Want to Be When We Grow Up we apparently have all of these words. Yep, I'm glad that ambition, class, and grace aren't holding us back.
  

So I've decided to write a book. It's going to be called "How to Screw the IRS."

White collar criminals and fiscal conservatives will be disappointed because its not about how to get out of paying taxes. It's all about how dirty Tax is.

The Table of Contents

Chapter 1: How to get out of an audit by showing off your "assets"

Chapter 2: "Where Does the IRS get off?"

Chapter 3: Discharges, _____ and more.

More on the difference between 1L and 2L years

As a 1L, you were terrified of law school to the point that you thought law school might actually kill you.

As a 2L, those 1L fears are gone. You know that law school isn't lethal, and with that knowledge your hope of escape/release vanishes. All that is left is a grim certainty that law school is shit, and the only tool you have at your disposal is a spoon.

Open up and say "ahh."

Instead of Doing My Tax Homework This Morning...

Things I learned this morning while perusing through our sitemeter:

• While our blog is the #3 Google Hit for "Creepy Mustaches.", I'll admit that I'm disappointed that we are the #13 Google Hit for "law school is bullshit."
  
• We should have went to law school here.
• The post read most here at There's No Competition: Diary of a 1L
• Our highest traffic day was June 19. Not sure if it was the facism, the paralegal problem, or the morning hell that drew people in that day. Maybe it was just the fact that we posted three times in one day?
• Our Westlaw stalker has not made an appearance since being outted.
• Our top referrers are, in order of number of referrals, Barely Legal, Dicta, Overheard in Law School, Legal Underground, Namby, Littlest Tortfeasor and the BLS. Of course Barely Legal has got everyone beat (over 2,500 hits compared to 500 hits), but thank you to you all!

Alright, enough procrastinating. I need to go read the Internal Revenue Code, and I'm sure that you have some homework that you should be doing instead of reading this -- or perhaps a class that you should be paying attention to?

This is why I work here

So, I'm sitting in my cubicle, happily researching on Westlaw (because, as I believe I have mentioned earlier, Lexis sucks) and this is what I hear, not 2 feet from my area, and loudly enough for anyone in a one mile radius to hear:

Lawyer 1: Where the f*&k is this goddamn witness, is she trying to piss me off?

Investigator: Well, the last time I talked to her she was pretty unfriendly, something about how she didn't like lawyers.

Lawyer 1: Of course she doesn't like lawyers, she goes around hitting people with her car every time her stupid-a** gets drunk and she gets sued. F*%kin' aye - duh you trashy b&*ch.

Investigator: Yeah, but now she won't answer her door or her cell.

Lawyer2: Well, did you look through the window, is she dead?

Investigator: No, there were curtains. I'm pretty sure she's not dead though, her TV turned off the minute I knocked on the door.

Lawyer1: You tell that mother-f*%king bi*&h that if she doesn't get her fat a#@ into this goddamned deposition on her own, I'm going to subpeona her lumpy a@#. And she won't like that. Cause then I'm going to make her so f&*king sorry - I will make her life a living mother-f$%king hell, I will drag her into court every mother-f&*king chance I get, I will track down family members, I will go to her f*&king job. She will see my face every f*$king chance she turns a corner, and I will find her.

Lawyer 2: Well, you mean Investigator will track her down, go to her job, and follow her everywhere.

Lawyer 1: Yeah well...

Investigator: So does this mean I can call her a lumpy a#* to her face? Cause if that's the case, I'm cool with it.

(Expletives were cleaned up for the sake of my virgin eyes, my ears already had enough this morning)

Fresh Meat

Since Larceny already teased the story I might as well finish it. So Mrs. Ito also is in school, but thankfully for her it is not law school. As I was dropping her off this morning, before coming to this glorious law school, this is what transpired.

Mrs. Ito opened her car door, from an obviously parked car, and proceeded to have a helmeted bicyclist come crashing into the open door. The bicyclist, the bike, and the door appeared to be unscathed. I looked at Mrs. Ito, she was very concerned, I, on the other hand, was trying my hardest not to laugh. And then it dawned on me, what if I get sued? God, I hate what law school is doing to me...

Damn you Lance Ito

So, it looks like the sumabit#@ may have gotten me sick. I walked into Tax and Lance Ito looked like crap. I had noticed a faint scratchy throat this morning, so I asked him if he was okay and he says to me, "I'm sick." Ah, shit. Lance Ito and I spent lots of quality time together last week because he took pity on me because tax law is the bane of my existence and he was trying (in a valiant effort I might add) to explain it to me. So, I'm sure I'm gonna get it. Shoot, shoot, double shoot. Doesn't my body know I don't have time to get sick. I will add that at one point, while Lance was trying to teach me Tax Law, Lance told me to read him the question and when I got to reading the number $432,347 or something of a combination like that I read it all wrong and he said, "Geez Larceny, no wonder you can't do math, you can't even read numbers." So what I say? If any of you all got somethin' to stay about my math skillz, you can shove it! (I mean that lovingly). I realize I probably test for math at the 9 year old level.

However, I think Lance got sick as karma for almost trying to kill a bicyclist with his car door this morning. Damn bicyclists, can't they see that Lance had places to be? That's not as bad though as Sandra Gay wishing they didn't count as pedestrians so she could run them off the road.

Also, because it made me happy: John Robert's never-fail, always superior, blah blah blah Mac - it failed today. He had to reboot. That's my present to you PC people.

Being a 2L Licks my Taint

Day: Saturday
Time: 9:00 pm
Number of Friends Online Presumably Doing Law School Related Bullshit (Including Me): 6

What a lovely Friday morning

So apparently, this is what 2Ls do to entertain ourselves now that we're bored with the 1Ls: I am currently sitting in a study area with my "good" blogger friends Lance Ito and John Roberts. And what is the discussion at hand?
This, this, and this.
You are warned, these things are freaking disgusting. Oh, and Lance Ito and John Roberts are highly amused by the looks on my face. I'm not going to be able to sleep for weeks thinking about those little pinworms and their apparent admiration for the anus. And what the hell, they're not even in some small, 3rd world country, they're right here in North America. Note to self: when you have plans to study, and actually get some work done (i.e. actually read for a class for once) DO NOT sit with John and Lance when they have access to the internet and are intent on grossing each other out.

Also, I hate Tax Law.

Top Ten Things To Do During Wills & Trusts To Keep From Stabbing Yourself in the Eye with Your Pencil...

1. Use Microsoft Paint to make your own rendering of the prof.
2. Scream “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!,” jump off the desk, roll down the stairs, and belly crawl out the door.
3. Write your own will.
4. Keep a bottle of Jager next to your laptop and pass it down the row every time anyone says “testator” or “decedent.”
5. Masturbate.
6. Use your remote control on your iBook to mess with the person who has a Mac in the row in front of you. Keep changing their modes and watch as they get more confused and frustrated as class goes on.
7. Stick a popsicle in your ass.
8. Throw M&Ms at the moron in class who feels the need to reiterate what the prof just said.
9. Do work for one of your “real” jobs. (If this is not a desk job then feel free to practice your pole tricks. No one will even be awake enough to notice.)
10. Create a top ten list with the fellow bloggers also suffering through the class with you.

Between Sandra Gay, Scalito and myself we are willing to do everything on this list throughout the duration of this class in order to keep ourselves from falling asleep. After class the other night we can cross #6, #8, #9 and #10 off of the list. [Well, two of seriously considered doing #8, but we didn't want to waste the M&Ms that we were eating.] Given that this class will meet 23 more times this semeter means that we may have to create another list...

Our School is Infested with Vermin

No, I'm not talking about the 1Ls, or even some of the more insidious 2Ls. I'm talking about rodents.

I was down in the basement of the library when I saw a mouse sized shadow flit across the aisle and dart under one of the stacks.

Needless to say I screamed like a little girl and lept onto the nearest table. All man baby.

Okay, seriously

Is it just our school, or does every law school blast the fucking air conditioner so that I am freezing all day that I am here. I mean people, it's about to get inappropriate here. There are lots of girls in this school, and some who believe that law school is the perfect time to wear that sheer halter top. Can we do something about this please?

Regards,
Larceny

PS: Again, while I have nothing against 1Ls, as not long ago I was one, I do not appreciate the 1Ls who are taking their time figuring out the parking ramp. If one more 1L cuts me off in the ramp because they come down the wrong way and then freak out when they see that the are about to hit me, I am going to post some instructions.