I woke up this morning wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life and if the path I'm on even makes me happy.
When I went to the bathroom at work I discovered that I put my underwear on inside out.
Now I just found out that I've been summoned for jury duty.
I hate Mondays.
Children Under 17 Can Only Read With Adult Supervision
Imagine my surprised when I discovered that the LawBitches blog only comes with an "R" Rating. The crew here at There's No Competition brings you talk about topics like jacking off a silverback gorilla, adversely possessing anuses, S&M at the IRS, how the Romping Rabbit and sex swings need a spot in everyone's home, and giving blow jobs with the aid of Pop Rocks. I mean, come on, we're not exactly known for being appropriate... And all of this just deems us an "R" Rating?
So what is this rating bullshit based on? Well, apparently it's based on the presence of these words: bitch (9x), pissed (3x), hell (2x), ass (1x). So are words like fuck, masterbate, anus, and blowjob not included when ratings are determined? WTF? I mean, I figured having John Roberts alone as a contributor would lend this blog at least an NC-17 rating...
Recent Conversation with CB's Sister
My sister called last week on the day after my mom's birthday. Now, you need to understand that my sister is not like Larceny's sister -- she's graduated in the middle of her high school class, she chose not to go to college, is on like job number 22 (for once I'm not exaggerating) and is living with her boyfriend ("I-swear-he-gave-up-dealing-drugs-because-I-asked-him-to") in one of those Western states.
Sis: Hey, Calculating, so when is mom's birthday?
Me: It was yesterday.
Sis: No! It can't be. It's next week.
Me: Um, pretty sure it has always been the same day -- and that was yesterday.
Sis: (groaning) I'm the worst daughter in the world.
Me: No, you just forgot. But WRITE IT DOWN this time.
Sis: Well, I was having a really bad day yesterday.
Me: What happened?
Sis: They found out that I had a dog in my apartment and I'm getting evicted.
Me: You're getting evicted?
Sis: Well, no. Not anymore. I went and talked to them and am paying a fine. But I'm pissed!
Me: You're not getting evicted -- what could you be pissed about?
Sis: Because they are raising my rent again. It just went up like two months ago.
Me: Well, what did it go up to?
Sis: I still can't believe I missed mom's birthday. (Groaning.) I must be the worst daughter ever. Oh, and my rent? Well, it was $400, and then $425 and now it's $450.
Me: You're pissed because it went up $50? Are you kidding me?
Sis: Well, yeah. It's $450 now!
Me: Sis, my car payment is just a little less then that. How can you complain? And you split that with your boyfriend, don't you?
Sis: Well, yeah... but I'm not as rich as you.
Me: I'M IN LAW SCHOOL. How much money do you think I have?
NOTE TO MY SISTER: Just because I'm going to be a lawyer someday doesn't mean that $120k in student loans magically disappears, that my mortgage pays itself off, and that I have a money vault to swim around in. Yes, maybe one day I'll have a decent 401k and will be able to retire early, but that is a long way off. But on a less depressing note, at least I'm now I'm mom's favorite daughter.
Sis: Hey, Calculating, so when is mom's birthday?
Me: It was yesterday.
Sis: No! It can't be. It's next week.
Me: Um, pretty sure it has always been the same day -- and that was yesterday.
Sis: (groaning) I'm the worst daughter in the world.
Me: No, you just forgot. But WRITE IT DOWN this time.
Sis: Well, I was having a really bad day yesterday.
Me: What happened?
Sis: They found out that I had a dog in my apartment and I'm getting evicted.
Me: You're getting evicted?
Sis: Well, no. Not anymore. I went and talked to them and am paying a fine. But I'm pissed!
Me: You're not getting evicted -- what could you be pissed about?
Sis: Because they are raising my rent again. It just went up like two months ago.
Me: Well, what did it go up to?
Sis: I still can't believe I missed mom's birthday. (Groaning.) I must be the worst daughter ever. Oh, and my rent? Well, it was $400, and then $425 and now it's $450.
Me: You're pissed because it went up $50? Are you kidding me?
Sis: Well, yeah. It's $450 now!
Me: Sis, my car payment is just a little less then that. How can you complain? And you split that with your boyfriend, don't you?
Sis: Well, yeah... but I'm not as rich as you.
Me: I'M IN LAW SCHOOL. How much money do you think I have?
NOTE TO MY SISTER: Just because I'm going to be a lawyer someday doesn't mean that $120k in student loans magically disappears, that my mortgage pays itself off, and that I have a money vault to swim around in. Yes, maybe one day I'll have a decent 401k and will be able to retire early, but that is a long way off. But on a less depressing note, at least I'm now I'm mom's favorite daughter.
Going to Hell...
So I've been busy working in downtown of Law School City. Downtown is a great place to be in the summer, lots of stuff going on, great restaurants, great bars, and of course all the eye candy that can be seen running around at all hours of the day. I get off of work the other day, and am walking back to my car, while walking home I see a relatively attractive girl on the street from behind, and I think to myself "Nice." For the record, I am married, and therefore engage in the "look but do not touch" policy. Eventually, she stops and waits for the bus. She turns around and faces me, and she is just as cute from the front as she was from behind. However, to my horror I look down to see what she was carrying, it was an "SAT Prep Book." So that puts her at what, 15 or 16 years old? I'm totally going to hell...
My Summer by the Numbers: Calculating will be so proud!
Wow summer is really going by quickly, and I for one, am not happy about it. But, to entertain myself for say, 20 minutes I decided to follow in our grand leader’s footsteps. And for those of you who know my skills with numbers, you can probably guess that the accuracy of my numbers may be off. But they’re close.
Days off I had before I started working full time summer hours: 2 (For Calculating’s End Of Year Party and the day after to sleep it off)
Number of fiction/mystery/suspense novels I have read: 42
Number of books I had on hold waiting for summer before the last day of classes: 10
Number of hours I work a day: 8 ½ - 9 hours
Number of hours that the new law clerk annoys me per day: 8 ½ - 9 hours
Number of times that the new law clerk has worn head to toe denim (yes, this includes a headband, a jumper, keds-style shoes and a matching bag): 2 (neither day was a Friday)
Number of times the new clerk has worn denim capris with pink bows on them, a red velvet jacket and 4-inch stripper heels: More times than I care to think about
Number of times the new clerk has been confused about what the Rules of Evidence are and what a lawyer means by “deposition” or “arbitration” or “voir dire”: At least 8
Number of times that one of our other clerks has referred to this clerk as “Dumbass” with her in the room and her having no idea who he was talking about: 7 or so hilarious moments
Number of times the lawyers at my work go golfing: 5 days a week, about 4 hours a day
Number of lawyers at my office: 20
Number of Mercedes/Audi/BMW: 20
Number of those cars in our office parking lot right now: 0
Days that I have had to do actual intense work: Mmmm…12?
Parties my firm has had since summer started: 4
Parties where alcohol was involved: 4
Times when I think being a lawyer definitely has its advantages: Every day
So the summer is going along pretty famously, considering I’m attempting to enjoy myself in the knowledge that next summer is going to suck ass. Oh, and said clerk’s outfit today? Pink pants, a purple lingerie top (Remember when those were a big thing a few years ago?) and black heels. Sweet.