The Larceny Bitch/Dicta MySpace Collaboration: More bitchiness than usual

Dicta and I discovered our combined interest in that wonderful online stalker-fest that is MySpace. I myself am new to it, as a friend of mine told me I needed to “get with it” and join. Dicta is more of a veteran. These are our stories. (Add the little Law and Order ending to that in your head)


So I joined and spent a good two hours setting up a profile. Which I was happy to learn wasn’t too difficult. I decided to set my profile to private (I know this annoys Dicta) for one very specific reason: I knew all my HS friends were on this thing, and many of them would be curious about me and want to read my profile. I didn’t really care if anyone else looked, but this was the purpose. Apparently, this has caused a lot of anguish for some of my old high school “friends.” You see, I added one high school friend at first whom I still keep in constant contact with. Well, when she put my profile on her own, I had 80 hits to my profile in one day. Why you ask? Well, to some of my old high school chums I have enjoyed a kind of mystery. So when they saw that profile on other high school friend's sites, apparently they got excited that they would finally find out what I turned out to be (a bitch, same as in high school people) but then clicked on it and read “This user has set their profile to private.” Hah – so in order to look at it they had to ask to be my friend. I know this is not mature, and I’m at peace with that. It’s kinda a passive aggressive way of getting revenge on people you disliked in high school, while at the same time finding their profiles that they did not set to private and learn about how much lamer they really have become.

A day later, a high school friend (whom I actually did like back in high school and was a good guy) asked to be my friend. I clicked on his profile and was barraged with images of porn stars. Lots of them. He had porn star photos, clips from movie scenes, links to “Hot Asian Ladies” websites, and summaries of his favorites. Also, all of his pictures were of him standing next to cardboard cut-outs of porn stars (okay, honestly, who actually buys those things, and where. Do they have conventions or something, because that is what it looked like in the pic) as well as picture after picture of various weapons. Knives, guns, etc. Also, he was very proud of his Nascar jacket. What is a LawBitch to do? So I messaged him back and asked if he had gone crazy in just a few years. I wasn’t really joking. So ensued the Larceny stalking. He proceeded to ask my why I hadn’t added him yet (cause you’re freaking me out dude, and the knives might have something to do with it, I’m not as worried about the porn). He then asked where I was, if I was dating anyone, if I still had that “hot” dance uniform (I proceeded to gag here) and whether or not I’d be back in town so we could “get together.” I thought I should just tell him I was a lesbian or something, but that would have just made him happier I think. So I told him I was going to be a lawyer. Apparently, not too much a fan of the lawyers. Musta dealt with a few in the past. It was either the weapons or the porn.


Story 1 - the instant messenger stalker: Out of the blue one day when I’m reading some property law I get an IM from one saraac84 (the name has not been changed to protect the douchebaggedness) that reads "ur practically a celebrity at this point." First, I hate when people type "u" or "ur" instead of you/your/you're. Seriously, how much harder is it to type the word? It would probably take me longer to train myself to type the abbreviations than it is worth. But I digress.
So I IM this girl back to find out what her deal is, how she knows me, and why i may or may not be a celebrity. She blocks me. So the next time she unblocks me I get a little more abrasive. Blocked again. This dance continues for a while until I just forget about her altogether (I’m sure I’m not the first).
A YEAR LATER, a friend who I’d mentioned this to IMs me and says "you're in saraac84's away message." Surely, I thought this was a joke. So I checked, and sure enough, I was. Wow. WOW. So I IM'd her, and she actually talked to me for a little. I got a few things out of her, from which I was able to figure out her name and college, and I was able to find her webshots, facebook profile, myspace profile, and cell phone number (which we may or may not have called during debauchery). All of this could have been avoided had she just told me how she knew me/got my screenname, but she refused...and now she will pay.

Story 2 - MySpace: Many of us here in the blogosphere try to remain anonymous, or at least semi-anonymous. I clearly fall into the latter category as I occasionally post pictures of myself, my girlfriend, and my friends on the blog, but I don’t go out of my way to post my name, and certainly not my last name. But I do bitch about my law school and I’m sure between that and sitemeter people could figure out where I go.
I briefly created a screenname for my blog identity, and several fellow bloggers would occasionally IM me. But it got to be too much, and I realized that I don’t really desire to talk on IM with people I don’t know and probably won’t meet, so I unlinked the screenname and haven’t used it since. I’ll stick to communications via blog and email, which I can respond to at my own leisurely pace and not feel bombarded by.
Well, walking tort took this one step further and proceeded to stalk out my myspace profile. Granted, I do leave clues in my blog as to where I am, but it still must take some amount of time to put it all together, run thru the search of my school, and locate me. Sketchy. In a brief moment of weakness I accepted the friend invite, not wanting to offend a fellow blogger. I generally don’t care about this, so I don’t know why I did then. Either way, I accepted.
Subsequently, there was this whole ordeal when I just stated the obvious (that pennsylvania really really sucks), after which I de-friended her on myspace and unlinked her on coalm. I know enough crazy people in real life, and I don’t need any more. Sometimes enough is enough.Stalkers, let me make one thing clear: should you stalk me, I will stalk you back, and I will do a better job than you did. And you wont like it.

And now, our Top 10 MySpace Faux Pas (in no particular order):

1. Dont make a lame profile name, and especially don’t put one like, “Horniest M-Fer” (We’re sure your future employer will be so happy you’re so horny) for guys or “Lucky Charm” for girls (Larceny: To that girl, I thought you were a stripper after I saw that name).

2. Stop writing politically motivated bulletins trying to get people to "change the world." Honestly, look at yourself. You're on MySpace. Please.

3. Stop posting your cell phone numbers on people’s comment pages. They’re there for all the world to see, and any creepy perv, including Larceny and Dicta, can call you. And people get mad at MySpace for dangerous situations, someone should talk to the dumbass 14 year olds that put their contact info all over the f-ing place.

4. If you are under 21 (and put that on your profile) stop posting pictures of you drunk and passed out. Also, “this is me, totally fucked up on coke and beer” is not a good headline for a picture unless you want to see the inside of a rehab clinic when the cops find it (yes, they do look through this website for illegal activity, and no, you can’t claim privacy when it’s online for all the world to see.)

5. Don’t put 80 of those picture slideshows on your page. It freezes our sucky-ass Dell computers, and we don’t want to have to call the pricks at Dell and explain that one.

6. Your silly myspace pic taken at an angle doesn't fool anyone--you're fat and ugly, and we know it

7. No need to post pictures of you making out with your significant other. Pics of them are fine, but you needed a hotel room and no one else wanted to see it. If we wanted to see you at your worst we’d sleep with your mom and imagine it was something like that.

8. If you're not funny, don’t try to be. Not everybody is funny, and it's ok if you're not. Make your profile in the manner that suits who you are. (This should apply to blogs too), unless of course who you are is a coke-addicted 14 year old with a penchant to show half naked pictures of yourself. Then, contact a shrink immediately and find out what the fuck is wrong with you.

9. Myspace is not a friend contest. Don’t add us because you "used to know us" or we went to high school together but never talked. If you're that desperate for a friend, then we don’t want to be one.

10. Last but definitely not least, if you’re going to stalk us, anyone, at least be creative, amusing and entertaining like the above people. While we complained and bitched (come on, what did you expect?), our “stalkers” entertained us. We hate boring stalkers, they leave us with no stories such as these, and we bloggers are in constant need of material. So kudos to our stalkers for keeping us on our toes.


John Roberts said...


dicta said...

yes larceny, i'm afraid that would reveal your anonymity