Case briefs
Stop writing them. Yes, these were a nice security blanket last year, but you shouldn't be doing them your 2L year. Besides making you look like the 5 year old who still breast feeds, they are going to sink you. At this point in your "legal career" you need to be able to pull the important stuff out of a case without doing a book report. The volume of reading your second year is much higher than last year and you simply are not going to be able to keep up if you don't learn to skim and highlight. Plus, if you don't kick this habit, you're going to look like a fucking tool at your job this summer.
Panel
I can't believe you people didn't learn this lesson last year. Too many paint chips as a lil' tyke? When a professor appoints a panel of students to be on call for the day, that means not only do you not have to volunteer, but you shouldn't even be reading! As I said before, the only way to keep up with all your reading is to (a) be crazy, (b) abuse stimulants, or (c) a combination of (a) and (b). At most you should skim Emanuel's, but really you should just take some notes in class and then do what you should do for every black letter class: cram at the end. This shit really isn't so complicated that you have to kill yourself for three months to learn it, otherwise no one would pass the fucking bar exam.
Besides, you're 2Ls: you need that lecture time to work on something more important like running your student organizations (you think us lazy 3Ls are going to do it?) and look for jobs (if you don't have your entire career planned by now, you've failed at being a human being; we suggest drinking bleach)
Answers
Speaking of answering questions, when you mention that you were employed last summer in your class answers, you look like a douche bag. When you name drop your employer in your answers, you are a douche bag. Knock this shit off. You aren't special because you brought some partner coffee in the morning and then cupped his balls while the first year associates felated him.
Philosophy
No one cares about your deeply held feelings on agency law, stops and frisks, or any other topic. Unless you attend a Top 10 school, you're never going to be a law professor, so shut up. I know that warm, musky space between professors' ass cheeks is your natural habitat, but the class is blind graded; you're not doing yourself any favors by kissing up, you're just pissing off your classmates (see above: Answers)
"If the 2Ls in this class fuck up the curve, I'm gonna stab somebody"*
[*Yes, this was actually said by one of the LawBitches (rather loudly) when walking into one of our required classes...]
Ah, the 2Ls. Even though we are only four days in they have provided amusement to no end. It kills us as we sit in class behind all of them, listening to them discussing the reading (fifteen minutes before class starts), and staring at their 5 pages of typed book notes on their laptop screens (again, prior to the first class). Don't you know that you are no longer 1Ls? Knock it off!
I certainly hope we were never like that last year. What is wrong with the class of 2009?
The first day of school…
Calculating: I think there are so many gunners in this class that the odds of getting called on are virtually zero
Giggles: yeah
Giggles: i vote the girl in the third row from the front, middle far right side tries first
Giggles: she's my middle square
2 minutes later
Giggles: i can cross off my middle square
Calculating: lol. That didn't take long
Calculating: why is she the free square?
Giggles: because the easiest one is always the middle
23 minutes later
Giggles: ok... annoying. stop trying to be funny
Calculating: no kidding
Giggles: man... i really just need to line those people all up on the board and I would have a bingo almost already
Giggles: screw filling in the rest of the board
Calculating: fantasy gunner is better then bingo because you go the entire semester and you get to draft your players
Giggles: yeah. but how do you draft people you don’t know the names of — like all of the 2Ls?
Calculating: well, sneak a peek at the seating chart
Giggles: ask for a copy
Giggles: in order to get to know our 2L better
Calculating: yeah, question is are there more 2L or 3L gunners in this class?
Calculating: do you realize the only 3Ls in the first five rows of the class are on law review?
Giggles: oh sad
Giggles: there just aren't that many 3ls in here
The second day of school…
Larceny: These little 2Ls are funny. They snipe at each other.
Larceny: One girl kept saying the wrong name. And Lance and I noticed it and were like whatever
Larceny: And then someone raised their hand and was like "she is saying the WRONG name"
Larceny: And emphasized it and she said, "I'm sorry, I understood that it was this way" kinda cranky-like
Calculating: who is it?
Larceny: Yeah, cause I would know that. The chick has [insert description that is too close for the comfort of the semi-anonymity of this blog here]
Calculating: omigod I think that might be the same one that was driving nuts in my class too.
Larceny: She's kinda dumb
Larceny: Says things without reading/thinking at first
Calculating: yeah, she was trying way too hard to be funny in class today...
Larceny: the prof keeps asking her questions and she's pretty confused
Larceny: For such go-getters, they're not THAT smart
Larceny: My favorite part is that Lance and I knew that she made the mistake like a half hour ago, but decided that IM and the internet were more important
The third day of school…
Roberts: its great having 2Ls in class though
Roberts: they are all trying so hard
Roberts: and Larceny and i are picking nicknames for them
Calculating: you need to get a student directory from last year and cross out their real names, so I can figure out who you are talking about
Roberts: lol
Calculating: ask Larceny if the gunner from crim pro is in corps too
Roberts: so far there is k-fed, Captain Scribe, and the Weiner King and his Court
Calculating: ?
Roberts: k-fed looks like he should have been in an adult GED class
Roberts: Larceny really hates the weiner king
Roberts: i think he is hilarious
Calculating: lol. I kind of want to know who these people are but maybe it's best if I don
Roberts: The weiner king really is the king of all weiners. his voice, his slang, his mannerisms, his face.
Roberts: i bet he is awesome at chess
Roberts: Captain Scribe did casebriefs for the reading!!!!
Larceny: I told Roberts that the weiner king was kind of creepy and douchey
Larceny: "Like a frat boy that will corner you in a hallway and try to make you drink in the hopes that finally some girl will let him touch her boobies"
Calculating: oh, god, I know who it is — he is a bit outspoken as well
Larceny: "Outspoken" is not the word I would have used for him
Larceny: I like douche-y better
Larceny: I think it may be the combo of the suit + memorized restatement = douchey
Calculating: lol
Larceny: "When I was working at blah blah blah this summer...."
Calculating: the 2Ls are doing that already?
Calculating: I thought that was reserved for pretentious 3Ls
Larceny: Nope, apparently not
Message From Sandra Gay
Ahhhhh…. Yes…
I would expect most of you readers to be shitting solid gold bricks right now. You’re probably thinking “Hey- when the hell did Sandra Gay decide to come back?” “Wasn’t her last post during her 1L year?” Yes friends, it was. But I am back today because it has been brought to my attention that an intervention is required, and I am the right person for the job for reasons that will become obvious shortly.
During the life of this blog we have posted some pretty graphic, and at times (well, most of the time) sophomoric crap. Mostly, it’s not really worth any real intelligent person’s use of his or her time. Occasionally, we too have been surprised by something we read on some blog we are linked to. (Let us all have a moment of silence as we recall the day we discovered that Jurishprudensh had become some crazy horse porn site.) With all that said, today we have been moved to action as a result of some stupid ass comments that are being posted on our blog.
Yes, Winai, I am talking to you. Please read this carefully. (The rest of you can read too. When you hear the chimes, turn the page.)
Winai, we admit that we are immature and, as was stated previously, sophomoric. Many of us think we are funny, and that is usually a result of too much coffee, and a severe lack of sleep. You have been posting comments such as “"if i buy you the Law Bitch Classic Thong will you sport it? " and “He will be my lawn mowing buddy from now on (in reference to Alberto Gonzales,)"and finally, “Okay you lawBITCHES, i come here and never get a question answered by any of you, so i demand answers now! 1. what did you bitches major as an undergrad? 2. is it true the female law students are sexually active?"
Demand this you f*c%ing creepy dude:
In response to your first question, In undergrad we all majored in different subjects. We have a wide background from some crazy science shit that I don’t understand, to some equally crazy computer shit that I don’t understand, to your run of the mill English major. The one thing we all managed to “major in” was not being creepy assholes. You, on the other hand, need to vary your curriculum from French (yes, we read your blog to try to figure out what kind of fucker you are) to “How not to be a creepy dude.”
In response to your second, (and this is where the tough love comes in), sexually activity is not something that we, as a collective group, feel you are ready to discuss. Winai, you’re creepy. We all feel that you are headed in some pretty dangerous directions. Mostly, we think there could be a nasty, and messy, congressional page scandal in your future. Equally probable is a bit of an embarrassing debut on Dateline NBC. All of this can be avoided though by your attention to the little tidbit I am going to share with you. Are you ready?
Winai, you are obviously a homosexual.
I know, I know, “I am not! I love bangin’ chicks!” Sure Winai- that’s what they all say. Your overzealous attempts at sounding straight (pointing out that you are disappointed that your French professor is a “Bangali-looking homosexual” and adding that this “sucks the fun out of the French class. I remember when i was in High School i had a hot French teacher. She made going to classes fun. Then in college i placed out of French 101 and took 102 with a swiss-looking professor. My point is if i'm gonna be learning French i want to learn it from a female…” ), your tired comments aimed at the degradation of women (see above), and your inability to talk about much else leads me to this conclusion. The sooner you embrace this fact and learn to deal, the sooner you will chill the fu%k out and become a most likeable dude. I know for a fact (and I am not the only “Bangali-looking homosexual” in the LawBitches) that you will feel much better, and that is why I am taking my precious time to talk to you.
If you still insist on denial, know this: Even though I don’t sleep with dudes, and yes, I am a “female law student who is sexually active,” if I did, you are the last kind of guy I would sleep with. If you want to get laid (if and when you get to law school with that incredible intellect you’re sporting), I suggest you clean up your act so that women would not, when polled, suggest that they would rather give a hand job to Karl Rove than talk to the likes of you- much less put your dick in their mouths. (This also goes for gay men should you come to terms with yourself. They, in general, find that kind of shit distasteful as well.)
Additionally, save your racist bullshit for someone else’s blog. We have a Hispanic LawBitch. While we reserve the right to pick on her incessantly, your comments about Mexicans piss us off. Stop it.
A word or two about your consideration of law school: You may want to consider learning about punctuation and capitalization. It helps with the law school applications. When you are ready to behave yourself, we will have many more helpful hints for you. We like helping others. We’re do-gooders.
Oh. And one more thing. When you address the LawBitches, you will kindly remember to capitalize “LawBitches.” It’s a sign of respect.
One More Reason to Sell Your Soul
So here's another thing they never tell you in law school: Sell out early.
Now in our Third Years, many of us are starting to hear about other 3Ls who have already been offered jobs upon graduation at the various places they clerked over the summer. In fact, several of your Bitches have been offered jobs, and we heartily congratulate them, even though the rest of us hate them a little for it.
For those of us who are going more towards public interest jobs, government jobs, the "I want to assuage my guilt for being white" "do good for the world cause I have a small penis" jobs, turns out we get kinda screwed.
In addition to taking a rather significant pay cut, which we all knew going in, as it turns out we will also be the last to find jobs: the places we clerked, if hiring at all, won't be making decisions until late April. Until then, we get to apply to other jobs that won't make a decision until then either. With each job application, I realize how much I am standing at the bar at the end of the night just hoping to be drunk enough to not notice that the guy I am going home with looks like a bloodied Shihtzu. Fun times, to be sure.
Is it time to bend over, take it up the ass and just find a corporate job I'll hate like a two-dollar hooker knowing that this is better than going without crack?
Not quite yet, but I am starting to lube up.
Now in our Third Years, many of us are starting to hear about other 3Ls who have already been offered jobs upon graduation at the various places they clerked over the summer. In fact, several of your Bitches have been offered jobs, and we heartily congratulate them, even though the rest of us hate them a little for it.
For those of us who are going more towards public interest jobs, government jobs, the "I want to assuage my guilt for being white" "do good for the world cause I have a small penis" jobs, turns out we get kinda screwed.
In addition to taking a rather significant pay cut, which we all knew going in, as it turns out we will also be the last to find jobs: the places we clerked, if hiring at all, won't be making decisions until late April. Until then, we get to apply to other jobs that won't make a decision until then either. With each job application, I realize how much I am standing at the bar at the end of the night just hoping to be drunk enough to not notice that the guy I am going home with looks like a bloodied Shihtzu. Fun times, to be sure.
Is it time to bend over, take it up the ass and just find a corporate job I'll hate like a two-dollar hooker knowing that this is better than going without crack?
Not quite yet, but I am starting to lube up.
A New Record
It's only just past lunch time on the first day of the semester, and I already wish I was dead.
Formal Invitation #2
Umm... Given the invitation to Karl Rove earlier this month upon his retirement, I suppose an invitation must also begrudgingly be given to this man.
Just please don't try to fire any of us...
Just please don't try to fire any of us...
Goals for Our 3L Year
Following with the good practice of goal setting (and since we will surely have to do it as we crossover into the full-time working world) and with the tradition of last year it is time to make note of the LawBitches' ambitions for our third and final year of law school:
Here's to 257 days before graduation! (And yes, I do have it as a countdown clock on my Google Desktop tool).
- We are 3Ls. Creating a list of goals here would be counter to our one and only mission this year: to do as little as possible and still graduate.
Here's to 257 days before graduation! (And yes, I do have it as a countdown clock on my Google Desktop tool).