New Year - New Toys

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Leave Microsoft/Dell.

My new non-crashing MacBook with my new 2L books. The new semester can't come fast enough...















Later
-scalito

Publicly Scorned

Aka Calculating's revenge for the unsubstantiated accusations in the Pitiful post.

Calculating: For some reason this link made me think of you.

John Roberts: Um... thanks... I'm not sure I want to know your reason for thinking of me. :-) Those are some of the better spoofs I've seen of those ads though, so thanks for sharing.

Calculating: We will just leave that alone... ahem(midget porn)

John Roberts: I was thinking more along the lines of either pathetically nerdy or else annoyingly arrogant. I hadn't even considered the perversion angle. I guess the summer has dulled my skills.

Calculating: Well, there is that too: arrogant Mac owner. But the key is a perverted, arrogant Mac owner.

John Roberts: You forgot the pathetically nerdy part. Also, I'm not just an owner. Since I push it on you guys, that makes me a proselytizer too. So that's perverted, pathetically nerdy, arrogant mac proselytizer.

Calculating: Just remember, you said it.

John Roberts: So I guess we need to add self-loathing to that list too.

Calculating: Okay, this conversation might turn into an amusing blog post...

John Roberts: I guess we also need to add publicly scorned then too.

Law Student Guy Person - Look What You Started...

Alternative names to this post:

• Why the LawBitches will not have a MySpace Profile
• Why we must protect John Robert’s anonymity
• No wants to condemn John Roberts to a future of walking funny
  

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:01 PM
To: Calculating; John Roberts
Cc: Class Bitch; Reasonable Peep.; Anita; Lance; Sandra
Subject: MySpace profile

Due to all the curiosity about us, and MySpace and our profiles on it (and mostly the suggestion of a poster that they wanted to see a profile) I am creating a MySpace profile for our blog. I will send the username and password info and all when it's done so we can all add and contribute. Then we can start making friends with all our readers see.

-----Original Message-----
From: Reasonable Peep
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:08 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

Does this mean we have officially hit the big time?

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:10 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

No, I think it just means that we are leveraging digital-age technology to provide superior reader experience (i.e. they can stalk us though the internet)

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:10 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

I believe so...we're like Anonymous lawyer.....only without a book deal. Any ideas on our profile image? I was looking for cartoons that would work well with us (basically a bunch of girls and a guy or two)

-----Original Message-----
From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:10 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

Is this something that will compromise our anonymity?

I don’t know about everyone else, but I don’t want to be involved in anything that will have my real name connected to it. More and more employers are Googling potential employees – including looking to see if they have blogs, facebook accounts and myspace profiles. As a potential employee I don’t want my public profile/real name to be seen nor connected to our blog.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:11 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

But what if it gets you a book deal?

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:12 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

If people are concerned, I don't have to do it. But it's completely anonymous, with our blog names and blog info on it, nothing with our personal information on it. I even faked our zip code area. I'm not expecting that any of us would be putting our personal information on it, that would ruin the anonymity of the blog.

-----Original Message-----
From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:13 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

Is the book deal going to pay me six figures a year?

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:13 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

I dunno. How good can you plagiarize write?

-----Original Message-----

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:13 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

I gotta go with Calculating on this one.

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:14 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

People, calm down. It was just going to be a profile of our blog. Nothing else. No personal info on it at all.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:17 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

Larceny, seriously, I can't have my name on the internets. Everyone knows that the only people who have their name on the internets are child molesters and I was acquitted, so I really don't need alleged accusations following me around because the last thing I want is to have to move cities all over again

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:18 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

LOL Roberts. Cute. I guess the name First: Law Last: Bitches is definitely going to be able to identify all of us by our name and address.

-----Original Message-----
From: Reasonable Peep
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:19 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

I don't know Roberts, I saw you on the Primetime special, you are still wanted in Kentucky...maybe if the book deal falls through, I will have to settle with the reward money...

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:21 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

So does this mean you're breaking up with me?

-----Original Message-----
From: Reasonable Peep
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:22 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

Let's just say I am using it as leverage...how could I break up with you? Your so cute!!! Massive crushes don't just die because you are a child molester, cheese...

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:23 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

So should I nix it? No ones name was going to be on it, just our blog names, but no problem nixing it before I get too far into my afternoon project.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:24 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

You're right, I'm sorry for losing faith. But even if you do turn me in, prison jumpsuit orange really brings out my eyes, so I'll look even cuter.

-----Original Message----
From: Reasonable Peep
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:25 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

The idea of a conjugal visit has always been a fantasy of mine...hmm...

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:29 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

That does sound pretty hot.

Except for the whole going to prison thing. you might be worth it though, miz peep.

-----Original Message-----
From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:29 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts

Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:30 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

Can't you see that peep and I are having a moment here larceny? You are so rude!

-----Original Message-----
From: Reasonable Peep
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:30 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

I am definitely worth it...

Plus, the Dr. is always on call...

And if I was not enough for you, your roommate would fill in the gaps...

-----Original Message-----
From: John Roberts
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:38 PM
Subject: Re: MySpace profile

Between you and my cell mate, I think I would end up walking funny for years

-----Original Message-----
From: Reasonable Peep
Sent: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 1:38 PM
Subject: RE: MySpace profile

Nix it.

Yet Another Blogger with a Book Deal

Here's an email that I got from Jeremy Blachman of Anonymous Lawyer this morning. Well, it was a mass email that he apparently sent to everyone, but I won't hold that against him. And since apparently I have no qualms about doing shameless plugs, I figured I'd include the full text here:

FROM: Anonymous Lawyer
TO: All partners, associates, e-mail correspondents, support slaves
RE: Required reading

Announcing a temporary change to the firm's long-standing policy that employees are not allowed to read anything besides lease agreements.

Anonymous Lawyer: A Novel hits stores today, July 25th, and is also available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powell's, or your favorite on-line retailer. No, not that one. I mean the one that sells books.

Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/pf283
Barnes & Noble: http://tinyurl.com/pmbvs
Powell's: http://tinyurl.com/pqxao

In the novel, Anonymous Lawyer sets out on a quest to eliminate his biggest rival, The Jerk, and become chairman of the firm -- while dealing with incompetent associates, his spendthrift wife, and the inner torment deep in his soul. Very deep. It's not a compilation of blog posts. That would be like double-billing a client. And we never double-bill clients. Okay, we do, but not this time. New material.

USA Today calls the book "wickedly amusing," Publishers Weekly calls it "side-achingly funny," the New York Post gives it 4 stars out of 4, and my grandmother really loves it too.

We'll also be needing you to work this weekend on a memo for a case we've already settled, and there's a typo somewhere in the tax code that we need you to find. Thanks.

Back to work,
Anonymous Lawyer

http://anonymouslawfirm.com

I haven't read the book yet because LawBitches didn't rank high enough to get an advanced copy (no, I'm not bitter, really -- I mean, isn't it enough that Anonymous Lawyer is at the top of our blogroll?), but several of our fellow blogrollers have done reviews. You can read them here, here, and here.

In case you care (which you probably don't but I'll tell you anyway) I plan on reading once I start my summer vacation. You know -- in that week before fall semester resumes.

To tide you over and feed morbid curiosity...

So, Dicta and I are working on a MySpace post to discuss our various entertainments that are MySpace. It will be worth it, but until then, I give you this:

www.mydeathspace.com

Yes, it's a website that collects all those people on MySpace who have died, how they died, and links to their profiles. I know this is morbid, I am aware that I have a morbid fascination with these things. But hey, it makes for rather interesting reading. Especially since one of the deaths on here happened a good, maybe 20 miles from where the lawbitches make all their worldly commentary. Happy morbid curiosity reading!

Love,
Larceny

P.S. Apparently, Calculating and I are on the same wavelength, as her post above reminded me to add this since I forgot: I also forgot to post the link to Anonymous Lawyer's profile on MySpace. (At this point, who doesn't have a profile, sheesh). So those of you working today, you can delay actually working for a bit longer...
http://www.myspace.com/anonymouslawyer

Pitiful

Imagine my surprise when I discovered a voicemail on my phone this morning from Calculating Bitch. It's true, I was blushing after listening to the voicemail. However, my embarrassment was not due to the voicemail's effect on me, but rather because I was embarrassed for her.

The voicemail was the worst prank call I have ever been a party to, so bad I am hesitant to even label it a prank call because it would be an insult to bored tweens everywhere. The joke was lame even by middle school standards (an extremely vanilla "I have a secret crush on you!") and she couldn't even deliver the line without laughing. Poor planning, and even worse execution. I expect better from a Law Bitch.

So what is to blame for such a cringeworthy "prank" call? I'm sure Calculating will try and blame the alcohol, but let's face it, alcohol is the only true muse of a quality prank call. I think the true culprit for such a dearth of creativity is none other than that bland, byzantine bastion of legal knowledge that she slavishly devotes herself to. I'm speaking of none other than Westlaw.

So what's the moral of the story? I think it's readily apparent: Westlaw causes brain damage. If you insist on self-destructing, use something a little less potent, like smoking crack or snorting some crank; at least then your friends will be entertained.

We Have Arrived!

The LawBitches have finally made it in the Blog-o-sphere. We have become the subject of a stalker market research. Recall the recent post about our frequent visitor from West Publishing Group (aka the makers of our beloved Westlaw)? Well, the same vistor has been back almost every day since that last post. And we've now officially been saved as a project on their desktop. No joke.
Here's the complete file name: File:///C:/PROJECTS/PROJECT_MGMT/Summarization/Sentiment_Analysis
/Blog_Sites/Blog_Site_Data/Just_Curious.html.

See that? We are sentiment analysis. Which must mean we are important, right?

Since now we are obviously a blog of importance, my only question is: where's our movie deal?