Where Have You Guys Been?

A recent email:

Hey,
How come the Lawbitches haven’t been posting? Where are you guys?
Sincerely,
A concerned reader

Well, concerned reader(s), there definitely has been a lack of posting lately and for that we apologize, however we have been extremely busy. An update on the LawBitches is probably in order. Without further ado:

Lance has joined Be Sin Free.Org and in his quest to achieve “the next best thing to being a good person” is helping the Reverend deal with their trademark dispute.

Roberts dropped out of law school last week after attending Cirque du Soleil’s The Beatles – LOVE show in order to pursue his real dreams of honoring John, Paul, Ringo and George while wearing tights.

Sandra was so outraged over Kramer’s recent outburst at the Laugh Factory that she has joined the KKK ACLU and is now crusading against racist redneck bigots everywhere.

Along with winter comes an increase of accidents so it is a busy time for personal injury lawyers. As a law clerk for a large PI firm in town, Larceny has found herself doing double-duty: writing briefs, drafting memos and chasing ambulances. She was so busy running after an ambulance containing victims of a semi roll over that she broke the heel on her new Manolo Blahnicks.
**Update: Larceny's husband wasn't aware that she had Manolo Blahnicks until reading this post. His response: "Holy motherfuck! Those are $1565 shoes! I'll fix the heel with some duct tape."

Scalito has decided that his fame and fortune is not going to come from being an attorney, so he has decided to try make his fame by acheiving the World Record for the person to play games on Elmo's World continuously without a break and without going insane listening to Elmo's giggle. Although a bit blurry-eyed, he is going on 98 hours. Keep up the good work, Scalito. We're rooting for you!

After recent announcements about splits between Reese/Ryan, Britney/KFed and Pam/Kidd, Calculating has decided that if these celebs cannot make marriage work, then she will never be able to. She’s currently in the middle of a messy divorce. Good news is that it looks like she’s going to get custody of the cat.

Anita has gotten bored with this blog. Following the spirit of her two favorite blogs, Pink is the New Blog and Dooce.com, she is currently in the process of creating a new blog of her own. She's still trying to pick a name. The current forerunners are: "Only Losers Go To Law School. The Rest of the World Goes to the Beach," "On the Way To School Today Some Guy Exposed Himself To Me and Then Chased Me," "What Starts with F and ends in UCK?" "The Cheese Stands Alone." (Granted, none of these have been checked for copyrights -- Lance, get on that!)

The Reasonable Peep stopped paying attention in class about 12 weeks ago in favor of shopping online. Her habits for crystal ducks, Vermont teddy bears and Louis Vuitton diaper bags have caused her to run up a credit card bill of $17,000. She's gone into hiding in efforts to avoid the creditors hounding her. The rest of the LawBitches are planning an intervention.

Oh, and on top of all of this, there are oral arguments, drafting exercises, upperlevel papers, outlines to start, and finals to study for. So yeah, the bitches have been a little busy. I'm sure once we all get our personal affairs in order and start taking finals we'll certainly have more posting fodder. So stay tuned!

Law School has Ruined me as an Interesting Person

I traveled for the holiday, but since I'm on a law student's budget (and have been too busy to sell bodily fluids/redundant organs), I picked my flight based on price rather than convenience. This meant that on the way home, I ended up flying into a tiny little airport in the middle of Bumfuck, USA about a 1.5 hour car ride from home, rather than right to home.

Once I got to this tiny little airport I had to rent a car to make the drive home. I've always been pretty skeptical of companies asking me to sign contracts, as I see them pretty much as a way to make me hemorrhage money out my ass. But since I am now an OFFICIAL JUNIOR LAWYER™, I can now do something about it, and today I got my first chance.

After reading over the rental agreement, I noticed that the return date was listed as tomorrow, even though I would be returning the car today. However, the contract had a clause stating that if you returned the car early, your daily rate could go up. This set my anus aquivering, as it has a pretty good instinct of when it is about to get something forcibly inserted in it. I pointed these two things out to the rental agent. She said not to worry about it, as that clause is just there for multi-day agreements.

So here's how law school has ruined me as an interesting person. Instead of just taking the clerk at her word or even doing some crazy shit like ignoring the clerk and then bitching about how OMG BIG COMPANIES are out to screw the little guy, I had to make a feeble attempt to legally indemnify my ass. So after the clerk made her reasonable explanation, I of course had to say "well if it doesn't matter, would you mind if I just crossed this clause out and then we could both initial it?" Of course, since the clerk is a human being she didn't have a problem, I crossed out the clause, and we initialed away.

But it gets worse. Not only was I that LEGAL DICKHEAD GUY, but afterwards I was grinning like an idiot because I had applied something I learned in class in the real world. Thanks law school, you managed to make me into a nerdy dick.

TL;DR Version: law school has made me into an unapologetic anal retentive nerd.

The DMV is always entertaining

So, I had to go and get my driver's license today. You see, I have held on to my home state license like grim death. I love my home state (GO Bears), and have been trying to avoid changing it. And because I'm a student, I could for awhile. But now that I have a car that I bought with this state's plates, and have a house here, I guess it was time. I was not happy about it. After some pushing from asshusband, I went and got it today. And I met America's finest. Or should I say, this state's finest.

As I was standing in line, the woman running the information desk was trying to explain to this man that no, he could not drive with just a state ID, he needed a license. He kept asking, "but can't I just drive with ID." And she kept telling him no. At least 10 times. Then, a young girl failed the knowledge portion of the test and began freaking out after she got the results that it was "rigged." I'm not so sure I'll disagree with her, I had to take the test, some of those questions were pure bullshit. Then, a gentleman - okay, maybe gentleman is the wrong word - that had also failed the test decided that maybe he could get it to say he passed if he just hit on the DMV woman. Just a sidenote: a 20-something guy should not attempt to hit on a 60-something woman that's at least 35o lbs and is not happy to be there.

But my favorite moment of saying goodbye to my home state and becoming a resident of this state happened as I was leaving. Remember state ID guy? He left right before me, and I watched as he got into his car, and drove away. Priceless.

But as I said earlier, those tests are bullshit. Example from the test:

• Driving in [State] is
  
• a) A right all US citizens have
• b) A right only [state] citizens have
• c) Is a privilege and can be taken away from you
• d) Is a privilege for only those in [state] who have a license from [state]

Any answers?

It All Started with a Box of Raisins

Only 623 days until we sit for the bar exam.

"Gurggle, grmmm," my stomach grumbled. I'm not sure if it was mad that I only had time to grab a granola bar earlier that day, or if it was tired from sitting in Wills and Estates. Being rather bored myself, I rummaged through my bag to see if I could find anything edible. Unearthing a box of California raisins, I turned back to the cover letter that I was working on. As I popped the first handful of raisins in my mouth, Scalito, who was sitting next to me doing his IP homework, gave me a quizzical look. I mouthed, "They are raisins. As in dried grapes."

He grabbed the box out of my hand, and pointed to the lettering near the top. In large capital letters it read, "BEST IF USED BY 24JUL2008."” He looked at me pointedly, "Two years?" I shrugged. Then he muttered, "I bet that'’s the day we take the bar."”

Clearly not paying attention in class -- who cares about the Rule Against Perpetuities? -- and having nothing better to do, I decided to look up the date. Scalito was off by 5 days. After informing him of the actual date, he added it to his calendar on his iBook and turned to me, "only 623 days until the bar."

So, yeah, now I have that to look forward to...

*Thanks a lot, Scalito. Prior to our exchange last night, my only infatuation with the bar was where I was going to go for happy hour tonight.

It's Not a Sandwich

-----Original Message-----
From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:24 PM
Subject: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

http://www.milforddailynews.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=102780

One, this makes me want to be a judge.
Two, didn't we talk about this in property when we were dealing with tenant law?
Three, I kind of want to go to Chipotle now.

---

From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:28 PM
Subject: RE: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Mmmmmmm…..Chipotle. Panera is a bunch of damned racists. Trying to get rid of the Mexicans. However, I enjoy their food as well.

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:28 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

I cannot believe how pissed I would be if I was that judge's clerk. It already feels like enough of a waste of time writing briefs for LS, but to actually have to find authority on what constitutes a fucking sandwich? I'm pretty sure I would stab someone in the eye.

---

From: Larceny Bitch
Sent: Mon 11/13/2006 7:30 PM
Subject: RE: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

John, I'm going with that's gotta be a case of first impression. Wasn't there a case about tomatoes: vegetables vs. fruit?

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:31 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

If it's a case of first impression, its even worse, because then you would have to figure out how to cite Jimmy John's fucking menu in ALWD.

---

From: Lance Ito
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:31 PM
Subject: RE: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Couldn't you make the argument that a burrito is a "mexican sandwich?"

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:32 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Way to be all racist Lance.

---

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:35 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

What kills me is that they had to go to court over this. If I want carne asada I'm not going to go to Panera. Likewise, if I want a Sourdough breadbowl I won't be going to Chipotle/Taco Bell/Qdoba.

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:39 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Are you saying that Mexican people are too dumb to fashion a bowl made out of bread? That's racist, Calculating. You're lucky you didn't post such comments on Facebook

---

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:43 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Um, half of the people that work at Panera are Mexican. In San Diego, everyone who works at Panera is Mexican. So tell me, who makes the bread bowls there?

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:46 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

OMG, even more racist talk. How do you know all those people are Mexicans? Maybe they are from Spain, did you ever think of that???

---

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:50 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Oh, yeah, because there are a lot of Spanish, rather than Mexican, Hispanics in San Diego. And they all have legit social security numbers as well.

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 7:52 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Way to assume that all Mexicans are illegal immigrants, Calculating. I never knew that you were a Grand Wizard

---

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:01 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Not assumption. Empirical data. When was the last time you worked in a restaurant kitchen just over the border from Tijuana? And I didn't say they were all illegal, I just implied that not all of them are legal.

Geez, Roberts, even for you Grand Wizard is a bit harsh. I think you need to open your eyes to the other cultures. See how Dave Chappelle, for example, deals with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcR9c_X3Shc

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:16 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

HOLY. SHIT. It is totally racist to assume that everyone who lives in Tijuana is a Mexican! I think Grand Wizard was quite apt.

What's next, are you going to tell me that you give people different numerical values based on the color of their skin???

---

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:16 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Hey now, did you watch the video?

---

From: John Roberts
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:17 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Yeah. Are you saying that under your hood you are really Mexican?

---

From: Calculating Bitch
Sent: Monday, November 13, 2006 8:19 PM
Subject: Re: Holding: It's Not a Sandwich

Grand Wizard out.

If Only I Could Dance

I turned in my appellate brief this morning. As of today, I have completed all of my legal writing requirements for law school!

I should feel this amazing relief, right?

But yet, all I can think about is all of the stuff that I need to catch up on, or rather - in most cases - start doing.

All I could think all day was Here It Goes Again.

Absolutely Nothing to Do With Law School

Imagine my shock this morning when I logged on to Yahoo! to check my email and the headline read: "Actor Neil Patrick Harris says he is gay."

NPH, gay?

I had a crush on Doogie in junior high. I was going to grow up and marry him one day. (Well, at least that was the plan until I saw Christian Bale in Newsies, but I digress...) I don't remember him and Vinnie ever acting inappropriately on the show, but when I pulled up Doogie on Wikipedia this morning, this picture did kind of make me wonder. Maybe they were a little too good of friends... I mean, sharing the same stethoscope and all. But still.

NPH, gay?

The guy that was horny, high on X, and did coke off a hooker's ass in Harold and Kumar's car?

He's gay?

What next? Am I going to find that every schoolgirl crush I ever had was a farce? That I was simply falling in love with unattainable men? (Well, I mean really unattainable men...)

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, if there is any way that you are gay, all I ask is that for my sake and for the sake of girls (that were in their teens in the early nineties) nationwide, please, please, please stay in the closet. At least until the shock of NPH wears off.

Headline News

On the University-Wide Newsletter Today:

Library today: Vandalism in the library

A custodian recently found a copy of Ward Churchill's On the Justice of Roosting Chickens in a toilet in the men's restroom of the Library. The book had been taken from the library's New Books area and was dropped intentionally in the toilet.

This book and its author are controversial, but anyone hoping to deny the community of the possibility of reading it will be disappointed – the library will replace the book as soon as possible. The libraries hold the freedom to read as one of our highest values. To quote from the American Library Association Freedom to Read statement: "We, as individuals devoted to reading and as librarians and publishers responsible for disseminating ideas, wish to assert the public interest in the preservation of the freedom to read."

This, folks, is headline news at the University. Oh, the injustice. It's nice to know that the librarians support our first amendment rights to read though...

My husband is an ass

Okay, it's out there. Larceny Bitch is married. Yes, married. And you may wonder, "who would marry this chick?" The answer apparently, is an ass.

This ass wanted me to post on the blog what little "Halloween joke" he played on his wife because he contends it was funny and thinks others will agree. I contend he was an ass. Here goes:

So, asshusband and I were sitting watching Heroes (I love that show BTW) and he said, "so you know [new guy]? He asked the guys at work today if we all wear costumes on Halloween. So we told him yeah, you know just to see if he shows up in a costume. Cause that would be funny."

I reply, "That is so freakin' mean! Then he'll be all embarrassed, how mean is that. Poor [new guy.]" So I shake my head and go get a beer or something. Then I came back and asshusband says, "Well, you know what I just told you, I was just kidding, I totally told him it was a joke and we don't really wear costumes."

I said, "yeah right." He says, "No really, why don't you ever believe me?!" All huffy-like.

NEXT DAY

I get an email from [new guy] where he says, "I just want you to know what a wonderful person you married, I showed up in a purple pimp suit today, and had a big meeting."

I email asshusband and say: "You are a horrible liar." He responds, "Yeah, but it was really funny to see him show up all dressed up and everyone else in their work clothes." This goes on for about an hour where I call him mean and evil. THEN:

"Okay, now I have to tell you. This has all been a joke. [new guy] and I just thought we'd let you believe that he showed up in costume and I told him that to see if you'd get mad and if you'd really believe that. He didn't really show up in a costume. And I told him we were joking when we said we all wore costumes. It was just a prank to see if you'd get mad."

Which I did, cause he's an ass and pulled a prank on his wife.

See? Ass. Pulls a prank on his own wife. With someone I've never actually met. And he wonders why I never believe him. Then I tell John Roberts, who laughs for like 5 minutes about it. And when I tell asshusband about that he goes, "See, I figured someone would see the humor in it! It's funny."

So, funny? Or ass?