Happy Valentine's Day, the Law Bitch Way

So this post is almost a week late. What can I say? I'm really busy lazy.

Anyways, last week Lance, Larceny, Reasonable Peep, and myself volunteered to make some valentines for sick people.

Here's what we came up with:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Cancer's a bitch,
Sucks to be you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm really sorry,
You have bloody poo.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Using a hotdog to masturbate?
Seriously, get a clue.

Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
I hope by the time you get this,
You aren't dead.

Apparently we were supposed to steer clear of inappropriate messages. Ooops.

St. Valentine's Day Massacre

So something happened yesterday that I'm still a bit too bitter to blog in detail about. Let's just suffice it to say that, with pretty much everything in life, I play by the rules and basically do what is expected of me. (Which is probably why it is often my alter persona who is doing the blogging.)

Here is the tail end of the conversation that I had with Lance about my Valentine's Day:

Calculating: The more I think about, the more I feel like perhaps I was just a pawn in a chess game.

Lance: So, now [by not following everyone's expectations] you basically flipped over the chess game, pieces everywhere, and gave everyone the finger.


So I'm learning. A little piece of advice: playing life by the rules all the time sucks, and sometimes you need to flip the board over and start over again. Or knock all the Lincoln logs down and start re-building the cabin. Or blow up a building... No, really, I'm not that bitter.

Happy Birthday to Me! Okay, Happy Drunk Birthday.

Larceny is back, that’s right. I know you all missed me(Shut up, that's what I'm telling myself). Sadly, it has taken me some time to get on because of our switch to Beta, which therefore fucked my profile. And I am not the most computer-savvy. But anyway, last Sunday was my birthday (as a Chicagoan, I do not want to talk about the game). Sandra gay wanted to have a party, the below ensued. It’s worth reading all of it to see the degree of my drunkenness on my birthday. As a public service announcement, never drink a Cement Mixer.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: A question....

Hey guys.

If The One With the JD [Sandra’s sporty and actual lawyer girlfriend] and I hosted a Big Game [hey, you have to pay money to say the actual name of that game] party this Sunday, how many of you would be interested in attending? It would be pretty low-key: Drink beer, eat crap food, yell at TV…. Yada yada yada…

Let me know.
Sandra

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

probably no one.

but that's just a hunch.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Sandra missed out on telling you the important part: It’s also my birthday.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

Yes, yes. It is Larceny’s birthday. Therefore, as an added bonus to the day, she will be dancing on my dining room table. Bring your own small bills. Last time she danced I ran out of change for everyone. She appreciates the kinds of tips that jingle, but she’d rather have the kind that fold.

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

i'm just going to remind all of you of Larceny's birthday last year.

well, i'll skip the gory details, but basically we ended up having to help her walk to the bathroom, while counting her steps...and then she blamed it on me. Or was it the cement mixer shot?

i can never remember.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

First, I want everyone to know that Calculating just saved the life of the birthday girl. I swallowed a pill, it got stuck, and she provided me with a granola bar to get it down.

Also, at least I remember the walking and counting of steps. And the cement mixer. I do not, however, remember Sandra slapping me. The blame I put on you I’ll Play Anita, was the Jameson shot, which was my last shot of the night. Hopefully, there will not be a repeat of that. Also, I apologize for anyone having to deal with me on my last birthday. Especially AssHusband. And I prefer folded bills.

From: Calculating Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Please, no publicity about my heroic efforts. I’m much too modest. However, donations are appreciated.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

In my professional liquor opinion, I would say that the Jameson was not to blame. I would say that the “Four Wisemen” was the nasty culprit.

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

yeah. and the cement mixer.

but to make you feel better Larceny, that was the night that i fell and skinned my knee on the way to the bar.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

Anita, you will please remember that we arrived at Larceny’s birthday at [insert Bar name here] AFTER we were at [insert another bar name here]. You fell because we are alcoholics and you already had a couple in ya.

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

I fell b/c of UNEVEN PAVEMENT AND LONG PANTS.

now shut yer hole.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Oh that’s right! That is also where Anita ordered me the Mojito thingy. See, Anita was some to blame too! (That’s two drinks on her) I would also like to mention how cool you looked falling, you didn’t even look flustered.

From: AssHusband
Subject: RE: A question....

In honor of that fun-filled night, a plaque will be placed at the corner of 50th and 12^th Avenue in [Law Bitch City]. This is the exact location where I got to witness my dear wife’s night of drinking in a condensed, and reversed, order.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Baby!!! I told you never to talk about that again! Sigh, the worse was the cement mixer.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

AssHusband- you are my hero.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Bitch.

Note to Self

Do not put your keys in your mouth even in the 20-step walk between the house and garage when it is 14 below outside. They will freeze to your lips.

And do not try to pour hot coffee over them in order to loosen your skin's grasp on the keys. You will make a mess.

And no matter what you do, you will lose some of the skin off of your lips in order to get your keys back.

I hate Mondays.

Law School: According to Jack Handey

Class
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

Finals
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

Electives
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

OCI
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Add This to the Handbook
I think [law school] administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another [law school] come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

Why Drinking Is a Key Part of Law School
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I don't get law school either.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.