Happy Birthday to Me! Okay, Happy Drunk Birthday.

Larceny is back, that’s right. I know you all missed me(Shut up, that's what I'm telling myself). Sadly, it has taken me some time to get on because of our switch to Beta, which therefore fucked my profile. And I am not the most computer-savvy. But anyway, last Sunday was my birthday (as a Chicagoan, I do not want to talk about the game). Sandra gay wanted to have a party, the below ensued. It’s worth reading all of it to see the degree of my drunkenness on my birthday. As a public service announcement, never drink a Cement Mixer.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: A question....

Hey guys.

If The One With the JD [Sandra’s sporty and actual lawyer girlfriend] and I hosted a Big Game [hey, you have to pay money to say the actual name of that game] party this Sunday, how many of you would be interested in attending? It would be pretty low-key: Drink beer, eat crap food, yell at TV…. Yada yada yada…

Let me know.
Sandra

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

probably no one.

but that's just a hunch.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Sandra missed out on telling you the important part: It’s also my birthday.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

Yes, yes. It is Larceny’s birthday. Therefore, as an added bonus to the day, she will be dancing on my dining room table. Bring your own small bills. Last time she danced I ran out of change for everyone. She appreciates the kinds of tips that jingle, but she’d rather have the kind that fold.

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

i'm just going to remind all of you of Larceny's birthday last year.

well, i'll skip the gory details, but basically we ended up having to help her walk to the bathroom, while counting her steps...and then she blamed it on me. Or was it the cement mixer shot?

i can never remember.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

First, I want everyone to know that Calculating just saved the life of the birthday girl. I swallowed a pill, it got stuck, and she provided me with a granola bar to get it down.

Also, at least I remember the walking and counting of steps. And the cement mixer. I do not, however, remember Sandra slapping me. The blame I put on you I’ll Play Anita, was the Jameson shot, which was my last shot of the night. Hopefully, there will not be a repeat of that. Also, I apologize for anyone having to deal with me on my last birthday. Especially AssHusband. And I prefer folded bills.

From: Calculating Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Please, no publicity about my heroic efforts. I’m much too modest. However, donations are appreciated.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

In my professional liquor opinion, I would say that the Jameson was not to blame. I would say that the “Four Wisemen” was the nasty culprit.

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

yeah. and the cement mixer.

but to make you feel better Larceny, that was the night that i fell and skinned my knee on the way to the bar.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

Anita, you will please remember that we arrived at Larceny’s birthday at [insert Bar name here] AFTER we were at [insert another bar name here]. You fell because we are alcoholics and you already had a couple in ya.

From: I’ll Play Anita
Subject: RE: A question....

I fell b/c of UNEVEN PAVEMENT AND LONG PANTS.

now shut yer hole.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Oh that’s right! That is also where Anita ordered me the Mojito thingy. See, Anita was some to blame too! (That’s two drinks on her) I would also like to mention how cool you looked falling, you didn’t even look flustered.

From: AssHusband
Subject: RE: A question....

In honor of that fun-filled night, a plaque will be placed at the corner of 50th and 12^th Avenue in [Law Bitch City]. This is the exact location where I got to witness my dear wife’s night of drinking in a condensed, and reversed, order.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Baby!!! I told you never to talk about that again! Sigh, the worse was the cement mixer.

From: Sandra Gay O’Connor
Subject: RE: A question....

AssHusband- you are my hero.

From: Larceny Bitch
Subject: RE: A question....

Bitch.