So NOT Stachetastic

Scalito has grown a mustache.

Problem is, it's not the distinguished gentleman type mustache,

Nor the "I'm a pimp" mustache,

Or even the evil dictator mustache.

Scalito's facial hair is more in the realm of a 15-year-old boy attempting to grow a mustache.
(By the way, his new haircut is almost as bad...)

As a result, here is an email that I received during class last night:

Dear Classmates,

I am working on a petition to get Scalito to shave his moosestache. Please help. I will forward on all comments and suggestions to Mrs. Scalito.

Scalito's Chauffer

  • WHEREAS moosestaches are particularly offending in a professional culture such as a law school;
    WHEREAS the only people in a law school whom have mustaches also wear suspenders with belts;
    WHEREAS citizens everywhere need not be burdened by sight of mullets, rat tails or flavor savers;
    WHEREAS a culture in which most level 3 sex offenders have creepy mustaches;
    WHEREAS the individuals signing this petition will not agree to any longer be friends with someone with such an offensive mustache.

    Now, therefore in consideration of the mutual understanding as set forth in this agreement, Mr. Scalito and others affected will thereto have agreed to the following terms and conditions:
    1.Scalito will shave his sad and pitiful attempt at a mustache;
    2.Scalito will not now, or anytime thereafter, ever attempt to grow a mustache again;
    3.Scalito will no longer go around making small children cry because of his facial hair;
    4.Others affected by this mustache will fully support Scalito in his efforts to become less creepy, and furthermore will recommend a better barber to him.
    By Calculating at 7/13/2006 5:16 PM

  • This offends my right to privacy as afforded to me under the penumbras of the bill of rights.
    By Scalito at 7/13/2006 5:17 PM.

  • I don’t think your right to privacy in the sense that it affects and offends others is protected under that penumbra. The privacy of your bedroom and what you do with that mustache within that room are the rights covered by this penumbra.
    By Calculating at 7/13/2006 5:18 PM

  • Mustache rides on my penumbra?
    By Scalito at 7/13/2006 5:19 PM.

  • I wish I had something to add but I don't. I don't want to think about that shady line of hair under Scalito's nose.
    By Red at 7/13/2006 5:19 PM

  • You'll be begging for something shady this weekend when its hot. Don't come crawling to me.
    By Scalito at 7/13/2006 5:20 PM.

  • Au contraire, Scalito, I will be in a state that loves those of my ilk on the beach. I also suggest you shave Jumanji while you are breaking out the razor.
    By The Artist at 7/13/2006 5:22 PM.

  • That thing couldn’t provide shade to an ant. I’m pretty sure that this thing has more hair then your “mustache”:

    By Calculating at 7/13/2006 5:23 PM

  • Petition: Anti-Mustache Council. We, the undersigned, hereby find Scalito’s mustache horrifying. Mustaches are a thing meant for 80’s porn and pompous cops, and should be limited to those two categories. Therefore, we respectfully submit this petition to have Mr. Scalito rid himself of this monstrosity.
    By Shoegirl at 7/13/2006 5:24 PM.

  • Good call on the 80s porn and pompous cops. We should get him a pair of blue blockers to complete the statement.
    By Calculating at 7/13/2006 5:26 PM.

  • Quote: “We, the undersigned, hereby find Scalito’s mustache horrifying. Mustaches are a thing meant for 80’s porn and pompous cops, and should be limited to those two categories.” The prof of this class and the assistant dean both have one.
    By Scalito at 7/13/2006 5:31 PM.

  • You complained about the Dean’s outfits more than anyone. Furthermore, if they both jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
    By The Artist at 7/13/2006 5:32 PM.

  • It’s a little different when you can actually see the mustache from more then two feet away. Otherwise it just looks like you don’t know how to wipe your face off after you are done eating.
    By Calculating at 7/13/2006 5:33 PM

  • I have involved Scalito's lovely wife and I hope we can have this issue taken care of shortly.
    By Scalito’s Chauffer at 7/13/2006 5:35 PM


dicta said...

perhaps scalito is playing mind games with you for this summer class. in the spring of our first year, a friend and i decided it would be a great idea to grow mustaches for the finals period. well, the night before our first final we shaved our beards into mustaches, and it was glorious. AND, it threw people in our classes off. during exams they would look at us and laugh. if i ever made eye contact with anyone, i'd stroke the mustache. it was a great plan. by the last final that spring, at least 6-10 other guys around the school had done the same.

<3 mustaches <3

......................... said...

I am 1000 miles away and the mustache is creeping me out. On Monday I was working in the domestic violence fast track courtroom and all the little men there still smelling like Friday Night's alcohol which got them there had creepy mustaches. So did the 18 year old 6 time pedophile three time beastality offender. Scalito loose the stache.

Lance Ito said...

Scalito, if you want the mustache, keep the mustache, unless of course Mrs. Scalito disapproves. Then the mustache must go the way of the Dodo bird.

Interesting mustache story from me would be the one time I had an unfortunate shaving accident and shaved off my one of my goatee connectors. So of course I had to cut the other one off too so I matched. I'm not sure what is stranger: the solo mustache or the mustache all alone and unconnected to the goatee. I have pictures of this if any of the bitches want to see what I looked like. Believe me, it was strange.

Calculating Bitch said...

I think that the whole purpose behind Scalito's mustache is because it pisses off Mrs. Scalito...

Legal Bachelor said...

i did an 80's porn once. my mustache looked pretty shitty, though.