"Tagged"

Butterflyfish apparently tagged the LawBitches to do this last Thursday. I think I noticed it, then promptly forgot. And since I am in a class that I wish I had a bottle of vodka in, I’ll answer these pressing questions.

PS to Mrs. Butterflyfish – don’t worry about OCI, none of us got jobs through OCI, and we all got jobs after our second year for the summer. Do not despair, some lawyer out there will want to hire you to make you their bitch, that’s a promise.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Weiner King – He’s a 2L we’ve discussed before, and apparently the man has a spectacular sense of humor about our commentary about him. So while I’m not going to stop calling him Weiner King because it is a great name, he has definitely earned the honor of being a LawBitch-approved 2L.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Meeting with Calculating Bitch and Lance Ito to discuss a class. Also, whining about being there at 0800.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Trying to learn to how to sleep with my eyes open. No dice. Proceeded to wonder if the prof would notice if I started stabbing myself with a pencil to feel something, anything.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Got a job (after much searching), finished 1L year (hallelujah), was in a wedding (Christ almighty what an experience), and about the end of 2006, figured out I didn’t have to read for class.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? “When do I get my whiskey?”
6. How many beverages did you have today? One extra large coffee thanks to Calculating who apparently wanted me to productive in our meeting this morning so she bought me one. Then a diet coke. And what I wouldn’t do for a vodka-soda right now….there’s very little I wouldn’t do.
7. What color is your hairbrush? I have many hairbrushes because I am vain.
8. What was the last thing you paid for? Wine. What?
9. Where were you last night? “Role-playing” with Swinging Kennedy, and not the exciting kind of role-playing dammit.
10. What color is your front door? WTF kind of question is that? I dunno, white? If I could I’d paint “go away” on it if that is a better answer.
11. Where do you keep your change? There’s a ton in the bottom of my school bag, because I just throw it anywhere. I hate carrying change.
12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny! (I should be on a bar patio right now)
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip, and I’m only answering so I don’t overuse “WTF kind of question is that?”
14. What excites you? Graduation!
15. Do you want to cut your hair? No, I have a roundish head, if I cut it I’d fear I would look like an Oompa Loompa. (minus the orange skin, tanning is gross)
16. Are you over the age of 25? Nope.
17. Do you talk a lot? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Well, this show has been off the air for like 2 years or something, so this is also a stupid question.
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? I had an ex named Steve, is that close enough?
20. Do you make up your own words? Yes, but generally I am more likely to screw up phrases i.e. “close but no tomato”
21. Are you a jealous person? No. I am awesome.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: Ashley (I love names that are so common they can still be anonymous)
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: K-Fed (we’re not friends, but he and I could have a total bitch-fest about Brit-Brit.)
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Sandra Gay. I think. Maybe. I never check my phone.
25. What does the last text message you received say? “What up ho-bag” from my sister. So you see, the snarkiness is apparently genetic.
26. Do you chew on your straw? No, chewing on the straw makes the opening narrower, therefore takes longer to drink the alcohol.
27. Do you have curly hair? Yes, but few know that, it gets straight really easy. As I said, awesome.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Home. “Bones” has the lead character in a Wonder Woman costume the whole time, and y’all know I need to see that.
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? No one rude really. Annoying? Well, that’s too many to go through. My husband’s family make up like ¾ of that.
30. What was the last thing you ate? Awesome free lunch provided by a large firm. That’s really all they’re good for.
31. Will you get married in the future? Depends on if my husband continues to refuse to get me a puppy. Then maybe.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? “Michael Clayton” – totally a law nerd movie but a spectacular movie too. I’m convinced the corporate counsel woman in that movie is Calculating.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? Good God these questions are boring me.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Seriously? This is the best kind of questions the authors could come up with?
35. Are you currently depressed? ……….sigh……..this questionnaire is depressing me because it’s making it hard for me to be entertained and so I am actually considering listening to the current discussion in class. I mean really.
36. Did you cry today? No, but I did do the stomp the foot and pout when someone compared me to Lucy from Charlie Brown, as if it was a bad thing.
37. Why did you answer and post this? 1) We were “tagged” 2) I was bored
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey: Yeah. right.

A Bitch to Be Proud Of

A Moment of Silence Ya'll...









I know, it happened on Monday, but we really need to take a moment to reflect on one of our heroes. I know that Larceny and Calculating have shed a few tears over the passing of one of their greatest inspirations, Leona Helmsley. (Sandra Gay just liked her make up).


To the woman that we all aspire to be (especially John Roberts... well, he just aspires to be a woman...), we bid you a fond farewell. May we be the biggest bitches we can be in your memory.

Why I love my Summer Job

So I've been at work for about 2 weeks now and it is nothing like the legal job I had last year. Last year I routinely wrote 10-20 page memos for various partners and would never get any sort of feedback on my brilliant musings. However, this summer is different; last summer was litigation, this summer is something very near and dear to my heart and what I plan on doing with the rest of my life. A recent conversation with one of the partners:


Lance: This [legal writing project] is nothing like I have ever had to do before. It takes forever.

Partner: How long have you been working on it?

Lance: About 8 hours.

Parnter: How much have you written?

Lance: About a page.

Partner: That's typical for your first time, sometimes I will work on [legal writing project] for just as long and have very little to show for it.

Lance: (thinking to himself) Wow, I can bill people for sitting at my desk and thinking. What a great job; 8 hours of work and 1 page of work product.



Any idea what field of law I am working in? No guessing by fellow Bitches...

Need another hint: I got paid the other day for doing six hours of "internet research." In the words of Yakov Smirnoff, "What a country!!"

Highs and Lows of 2L Year

In commemoration of finishing yet ANOTHER year of law school it was time to bring you, four dear readers (yep, we’ve moved from 3 to 4 readers), the highs and lows of the 2L year. Without further ado:

Anita

High: I have sat here for 20 minutes staring at this fucking cursor. I can't think of one substantial high from this year except for the fact that in three days it will be over. Yep, I got nothing. Which pretty much means that for all you 1L's out there who think it's soooooo awful being a 1L? You're screwed.

Low: Um...realizing that I totally fucked myself by working 2 jobs AND taking a full load. Oh, and it turns out? No drinking on the job.

Calculating

High: Realizing that once I stopped stressing by preparing for class law school was actually a lot of fun. Oooh, and having six weeks off between finals and starting my summer job.

Low: Getting permanently 86ed from the local liquor store. Oh, wait, that hasn’t happened — yet. Real low was probably not getting the ed board position on journal that I thought I so desperately wanted at the time. (The reality is that after seeing how much work the person who did get the job is already doing, I think my classmates did me a favor).

John Roberts

High: N/A

Low: Everything

Lance

High: To be determined (probably actually getting a paying job for the summer in exactly what I want to do or being done with my 2nd year)

Low: Trying to get a job via OCI is one of the most demoralizing experiences. No matter what the Career Person tells everyone: "Lots of people get jobs through OCI!!!" That is absolutely not true. Unless you are on Law Review or in the top 10% (preferably both), don't bother trying. (For example, I had 8 interviews and 3 callbacks...but no job).

Larceny

High: First day of class, professor brings out colored markers and tells us we're going to have arts and crafts today. And people say law school is hard.

Low: Writing the Appellate brief fall semester, I really hated that damned thing.

Reasonable Peep

Highs: Getting a job for the summer; Proving to myself that I can be a lawyer; Acing the exam that made me cry; Regaining my self esteem

Lows: Not seeing my friends as much because our schedules do not jive; Participating in OCI only to NOT get a job; Actually crying after an exam

Scalito

High: Getting to take a few classes with each of my fellow bitches and passing the MPRE.

Low: Finding out that someone who comes an hour late to a final still gets to take the final and without penalty.

Would that violate the Rules of Professional Conduct?

After a long discussion regarding getting married and purchasing a very expensive engagement ring, Sandra and I each independently came to the same question.

Is putting a ring a somebody's finger the same thing as having "pussy on retainer"?

And the Embarssing Moment Belongs To...

The crew here at No Competition feels that we don’t share enough about ourselves, and as a result we often come off as cynical and much too sarcastic. (Oh, wait, we probably come off that way because we are that way. Hmm...) Anyway, in order to really lay ourselves out there, and perhaps gain some compassion (and comments) from our readers, we have decided to reveal our most embarrassing moments, but the trick is that you have to guess who the embarassing moment belongs to. Good Luck: only four moments, but nine bloggers to choose from…

Moment #1
I think I will just go with "what is my love life for $400."

Moment #2
Back in undergrad I was waiting tables at a large restaurant chain – you know the kind they make fun of in Office Space – and early on a Sunday evening (the freaks always seem to dine out on Sundays) there was a single gentleman that I was taking care of. Well, gentleman is a bit strong: he was clad in a ratty Nascar jacket with a matching hat that was probably older then me. He had been led to the table by the hostess and before even sitting down he demanded to know “who was waiting on him.” To make a long story short, lets just say that his behavior was even odder and ruder as the evening continued.

He received his chicken fingers entrée and proceeded to lambaste me because the fingers weren’t crispy enough. I had had it with this guy being so incredibly rude at every turn of the way. I stormed back in the kitchen with the chicken fingers and threw them on the counter: “I need CRISPY chicken fingers for this FUCKING ASSHOLE.” As I’m screaming, I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. Finishing my declaration, I slowly turned around to see my “asshole” standing in right behind me, in the middle of the kitchen! “Make sure I get some fresh fries with that too,” he snarled. I could only stand there, gaping, as I stupidly nodded my head and watched him leave the kitchen. The cooks burst out laughing. As I finished serving him, he never mentioned my pet name for him, so I’d like to hope that he didn’t hear me, but I don’t even know how it was physically possible that half of the restaurant didn’t hear me.

Moment #3
Why do all my embarrassing stories involve me and alcohol??

Over Labor Day weekend a few years ago a really good friend was getting married in Las Vegas. He was a member of a fraternity and various fraternity brothers were also present for the wedding. I had been drinking all day on the day of the wedding (I had to cure my hangover) and by the time the reception I was feeling pretty good. Fast forward to the garter toss and the bouquet toss. The garter toss is first and I boastfully claim to my then GF (who I later married), "Watch me catch this garter," as I stand there with about 10 other guys all bigger then me.

My friend tosses the garter – a rather weak toss which proceeds to go directly over his head and would have landed about 2 feet behind him. Me, I am still undaunted. I make a fabulous attempt at the garter, going airborne, and pulling my very best [insert your favorite WR here] impression. I catch the garter (we have photos). Everyone looks stunned, and my GF is shaking her head, wondering what the hell she has gotten herself into.

It gets better, next up is the bouquet toss. I whisper to my GF that if she catches the bouquet, we'll get married (remember I was drunk and we were in Vegas). The bouquet toss commences and the bride's toss ends up bouncing off my GF's hands and falling to the floor, prompting a "do-over," and a removal of the look of horror that was on my GF's face since she had ended up with the bouquet. Needless to say, she ran from the bouquet during the second toss.

The best part of this entire ordeal was that the garter toss and bouquet toss were supposed to be rigged so that a specific frat boy and his girlfriend caught the respective items; he was going to propose to her. Of course that didn't happen and of course no one bothered to inform me that everything was rigged. I proceeded to get dirty looks from all the frat boys for the remainder of the evening.

Moment #4
My first experience with the law: I was 14 and drunk on Southern Comfort and Coke. After the late session of the high school hockey tournament I was a restaurant in downtown with this gigantic plate glass window. Someone dared me to moon the dining room. As I dropped trough and pressed my ham against the window, I looked up to see a Downtown police cruiser parked not more than four feet in front of my face. I was taken into custody immediately.

So which embarrassing moment belongs to which blogger? Your blogger choices are listed on the right under "Contributors." Guess away (yes, we are comment whoring today). First one to guess the four correctly gets our undying love and affection -- and if thats not motivation enough we're open to negotiations.

When We Grow Up

Ah, its time for yet another “Get to Know Us” here at There’s No Competition. The question posed to each of the bloggers was based on the ever popular question that inevitably is voiced by extended family or friends of family at every graduation, wedding or family reunion: what do you want to be when you grow up? The crew here responded to the question at 3 different points in their lives: when they were a little kid, when they were graduating from high school and currently.

Anita
Little Kid: Dolphin trainer
After High School: Doctor
Now: Anything that pays me enough to pay off my debt

Calculating Bitch
Little Kid: First female President of the United States
After High School: Journalist
Now: Tax and Estate Planning Attorney (but if that doesn't work out, I'll be Sandra Gay's Pimp)

Class Bitch
Little Kid: When I was in kindergarten I wanted to be a vet this was until I was 10. Then I decided that I wanted to be a lawyer and if that didnt work a doctor.
After High School: Family Law Attorney or International Business Attorney
Now: I just want one job and not three. I want a job that I go to and have at least one day a week off from. Something that I dont have to run out every summer and compete with highschool students for a lame ass job because I have my summers off. Oh yeah and something that pays enough to cover the loans, that would be good. Prostitute maybe?

John Roberts
Little Kid: Architect/engineer
After High School: computer programmer
Now: male stripper

Lance Ito
Little Kid: When I was little I wanted to be an Dr. (MD).
After High School: After finishing high school I still wanted to be a Dr. (MD).
Now: Plans have been severely altered. Now when I am done with law school, I hope to land a job at a big time IP law firm and work there for a minimum of 5-7 years (hopefully make partner) and if I don't make partner "settle" for work as an in house IP lawyer for either a Biotech company or a really good research university.

Larceny Bitch
Little Kid: Lawyer
After High School: Lawyer
Now: Trial Lawyer (See, now aren't I just annoying even more now?)

Reasonable Peep
Little Kid: When I was little, in fifth grade, for graduation, we were each asked what we wanted to be when we grow up and it was put into our yearbook. I said I wanted to be an attorney or an actress. I really wanted to be an actress more at the time, but I really loved watching LA Law with my folks and we had just done mock trial for our class.
After High School: I had always thought I would die young because I did not envision myself doing anything after high school. All I knew was you go to college, but then what? When I started college, I was interested in both medicine and law. I was pre-law with a communications emphasis when I entered college, but that changed after a semester...
Now: I just want to be happy.

Sandra Gay
Little Kid: Stripper
After High School: Stripper
Now: Stripper and Rapper (life ain't nothing but bitches and money!)

Scalito
Little Kid: Evel Kenievel.
After High School: A professional surfer on the North Shore of Oahu.
Now: Mailroom worker like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Succe$s.

Four Things...

I'm sure everyone is just dying of curiosity to know more about us bloggers here in our non-competitive corner of the world, so wait no more. Here go you go:

4 Jobs You've Had in Your Life
Anita: equity trader, mortgage broker (yes, the sleazy, overpriced kind), sales for West Publishing, Grocery Bagger (I hated it so much I cried when I had to go to work - it was so much pressure - all the food coming down that conveyer belt, and so fast)

Calculating: a dishwasher at a summer camp, camp counselor (a promotion, obviously), server, accountant

Class: grocery store manager, server, therapist, coach

Lance:I don't work...I've been in school my entire life. However I have worked as a receptionist at a doctors office and as a claims assistant at a Mortgage company. I have also been a Ph.D. level graduate student so that kept me busy...which is nice.

Larceny: Hallmark and Things Remembered (Different stores, same crazy old ladies that take half an hour to count out change and are never happy with your service), State Senate, and undergrad university

Sandra: 1. "dietary aide" in a nursing home 2. shoe saleswoman 3. telemarketer 4. grocery store deli counter

Scalito: Paperboy, Target Clerk, Network Engineer

4 Movies You Would Watch Over and Over Again
Anita: Pride and Prejudice, Wedding Crashers, Crash, The Breakfast Club

Calculating:Gladiator, Braveheart, Half Baked, and I don’t know if I should admit this – 10 Things I Hate About You

Class:Sweet Home Alabama, A Civil Action, I am Sam, Gladiator

Lance: The Usual Suspects, Indian Jones: The last Crusade (Sean Connery is very sexy), Any Star Wars (even the newer ones), Sweet Home Alabama
Editor's Note: Okay, I added Sweet Home Alabama for Mr. Ito -- he only had three...

Larceny: 1) Nylon Lover’s (This is a video purchased by dear Sandra Gay in an effort to liven up a party at my house, she was unaware it was a nylon fetish video. Weird and hysterical), Bourne Identity, Disney's Beauty and the Beast, and finally, because I am in Crim Law and waiting for “Anyone? Anyone?” - Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Sandra: 1. Ferris Buellers Day Off 2. Office Space 3. The Big Lebowski 4. Sweet Home Alabama

Scalito: Vertigo, Waking Ned Devine, It's a Wonderful Life, To Catch a Thief

4 T.V. Shows You Watch
Anita: Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway (Santino should have been out last season), Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Boston Legal

Calculating:The Office, Law and Order (all three, but CI is the favorite version), My Name is Earl, The O.C.

Class:greys anatomy, desperate housewives, er, will and grace

Lance: Are you kidding me? Who has time to watch TV? I'm too busy reading or briefing. My wife watches and hence I watch: CSI: NY or Miami, Law and Order: All of them, I used to watch the Apprentice religiously(don't really anymore), One guilty pleaure is wrestling (did watch is last friday)

Larceny: CSI: The Original, ER (Sorry people, I tried to get into Grey’s Anatomy, and it didn’t take), America’s Next Top Model (pure humor), Dr. Phil (Ask any of the bloggers, I have a thing for Dr. Phil)

Sandra: 1. The West Wing 2. The Golden Girls 3. The Cosby Show 4. Sex and the City

Scalito: Lost, CSI (Vegas), CSI (Miami), Law & Order: SVU

4 Websites You Visit Daily
Anita: Pink is the New Blog, The Drudge Report, Dooce.com, Westlaw (and I hate it)

Calculating:Well, our blog, of course, all of the blogs on our blogroll, Westlaw (I'm a points whore as well), and the Smoking Gun

Class:Our Blog, My Work Website, CNN, Barely Legal Blog

Lance: This one, ESPN, Czbabe, CNN

Larceny: Barely Legal Blog, Pink is the New Blog and Socialite’s Life (generally at the same time), Westlaw so I can get points, Our blog to see what crap my friends put up

Sandra: 1. New York Times 2. CNN.com (and thats about it for everyday!!)

Scalito: Our Blog, Silent Uproar, MSNBC, Gizmodo

4 of Your Favorite Foods
Anita: Sushi, Thai Food, Lean Pockets (I'd recommend the Pepperoni for breakfast), Steak

Calculating:Java Chip ice cream, my mom's beef strognaff, House Special Lo Mein (#35 at the local takeout), Mushrooms (yeah, I'm weird, but I'll eat them in any form with anything)

Class: baked potatoe pizza, veggie fajitias, guacamole, lettuce wraps

Lance: pizza, thai food, Taco Bell, Raw Baby Carrots (Nature's Toothbrush!!)

Larceny: Chinese noodle dishes, Spaghetti and meatballs (what is better than that?), Cheap Chinese (a local cheap Chinese place Sandra Gay and I go and stuff our faces in), Taco Bell (or Taco Hell, whatever it is pure love)

Sandra: 1. macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it 2. potstickers 3. pot roast 4. spaghetti

Scalito: Guiness Stout, Pistatchio Nuts, Walleye, Coffee (come on, it's a food)

4 Places You'd Rather Be Right Now
Anita: On a beach in Florida with NO STUDYING TO DO, Skiing in Winter Park, CO with no studying to do, Paris, France -- hell, if I'm there, I'll deal with the studying, Out on the lake wakeboarding.

Calculating:in Vegas (I'm jonesing), at the Cabin during the middle of the summer, in bed with Ryan Reynolds, or living in San Diego

Class: Bahamas, shopping in New York, floating on a lake (somewhere warm), Washington D.C.

Lance: Sleeping, Watching a movie in the theaters, Playing with my two cats, Hangin out my friends in Vegas

Larceny: Hell (warmer, this place is effing freezing, A psych ward (it’s kinda like that in here already anyway, at least there you get meds), Did I mention hell?, Some small cottage on the coast of Spain, where there is no Crim Law class nearby and I can drink wine all day).
Editor's note: If you haven't already figured it out, Larceny was sitting in Crim Law while answering these questions...

Sandra: 1. at home on my couch 2. in bed 3. hawaii 4. on any beach

Scalito: Killarney Plaza, A Ballpark, The Brewery, Parkside Cafe