"Tagged"

Butterflyfish apparently tagged the LawBitches to do this last Thursday. I think I noticed it, then promptly forgot. And since I am in a class that I wish I had a bottle of vodka in, I’ll answer these pressing questions.

PS to Mrs. Butterflyfish – don’t worry about OCI, none of us got jobs through OCI, and we all got jobs after our second year for the summer. Do not despair, some lawyer out there will want to hire you to make you their bitch, that’s a promise.

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Weiner King – He’s a 2L we’ve discussed before, and apparently the man has a spectacular sense of humor about our commentary about him. So while I’m not going to stop calling him Weiner King because it is a great name, he has definitely earned the honor of being a LawBitch-approved 2L.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Meeting with Calculating Bitch and Lance Ito to discuss a class. Also, whining about being there at 0800.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Trying to learn to how to sleep with my eyes open. No dice. Proceeded to wonder if the prof would notice if I started stabbing myself with a pencil to feel something, anything.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Got a job (after much searching), finished 1L year (hallelujah), was in a wedding (Christ almighty what an experience), and about the end of 2006, figured out I didn’t have to read for class.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? “When do I get my whiskey?”
6. How many beverages did you have today? One extra large coffee thanks to Calculating who apparently wanted me to productive in our meeting this morning so she bought me one. Then a diet coke. And what I wouldn’t do for a vodka-soda right now….there’s very little I wouldn’t do.
7. What color is your hairbrush? I have many hairbrushes because I am vain.
8. What was the last thing you paid for? Wine. What?
9. Where were you last night? “Role-playing” with Swinging Kennedy, and not the exciting kind of role-playing dammit.
10. What color is your front door? WTF kind of question is that? I dunno, white? If I could I’d paint “go away” on it if that is a better answer.
11. Where do you keep your change? There’s a ton in the bottom of my school bag, because I just throw it anywhere. I hate carrying change.
12. What’s the weather like today? Sunny! (I should be on a bar patio right now)
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Mint chocolate chip, and I’m only answering so I don’t overuse “WTF kind of question is that?”
14. What excites you? Graduation!
15. Do you want to cut your hair? No, I have a roundish head, if I cut it I’d fear I would look like an Oompa Loompa. (minus the orange skin, tanning is gross)
16. Are you over the age of 25? Nope.
17. Do you talk a lot? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Well, this show has been off the air for like 2 years or something, so this is also a stupid question.
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? I had an ex named Steve, is that close enough?
20. Do you make up your own words? Yes, but generally I am more likely to screw up phrases i.e. “close but no tomato”
21. Are you a jealous person? No. I am awesome.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: Ashley (I love names that are so common they can still be anonymous)
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter: K-Fed (we’re not friends, but he and I could have a total bitch-fest about Brit-Brit.)
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Sandra Gay. I think. Maybe. I never check my phone.
25. What does the last text message you received say? “What up ho-bag” from my sister. So you see, the snarkiness is apparently genetic.
26. Do you chew on your straw? No, chewing on the straw makes the opening narrower, therefore takes longer to drink the alcohol.
27. Do you have curly hair? Yes, but few know that, it gets straight really easy. As I said, awesome.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Home. “Bones” has the lead character in a Wonder Woman costume the whole time, and y’all know I need to see that.
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? No one rude really. Annoying? Well, that’s too many to go through. My husband’s family make up like ¾ of that.
30. What was the last thing you ate? Awesome free lunch provided by a large firm. That’s really all they’re good for.
31. Will you get married in the future? Depends on if my husband continues to refuse to get me a puppy. Then maybe.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? “Michael Clayton” – totally a law nerd movie but a spectacular movie too. I’m convinced the corporate counsel woman in that movie is Calculating.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? Good God these questions are boring me.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Seriously? This is the best kind of questions the authors could come up with?
35. Are you currently depressed? ……….sigh……..this questionnaire is depressing me because it’s making it hard for me to be entertained and so I am actually considering listening to the current discussion in class. I mean really.
36. Did you cry today? No, but I did do the stomp the foot and pout when someone compared me to Lucy from Charlie Brown, as if it was a bad thing.
37. Why did you answer and post this? 1) We were “tagged” 2) I was bored
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey: Yeah. right.

The Work Conference

Well... That was certainly fun. Over the weekend, John Roberts and I went up to the woods with 500+ attorneys from our office for a weekend "conference." I put "conference" in quotes, because it was mostly a lot of drinking and sexual harassment (mostly on my part to John Roberts) with a little side of destruction of property.

The award for best story from the weekend goes to John Roberts: After drinking for about 12 hours straight, John, the other clerks and I cram into cars with our designated drivers to go search for some fast food. It was like the clown car from hell. We made our stop, piled back in the car, and got back to our hotel. Everybody fell out of the car, and made our way back to our respective rooms. After about 10 minutes, I realized that John Roberts wasn't in our room. He's quite the player, so I figured he had found another conference attendee to wrap him in rubber and spank him furiously. Feeling a little jealous, I went back to bed.

Turns out, John Roberts had never gotten out of the car. Nice.

One of the "designated drivers" finally realized that Roberts hadn't left his car, and went back down to go and get him. Roberts, laying very drunkenly in the car seat, could not be moved. Finally he awoke, emitting a long trail of saliva down his shirt, and his buddy was able to at least get him into the hotel. Into the room was another story. After Roberts tried to enter our co-workers room, the co-worker pointed at someone else's room and said, "No, Roberts, that's your room over there." The co-worker of course knew that it wasn't.

So then Roberts spends the next 15 minutes trying to key into one of our OTHER co-workers rooms, waking her up in a rather creepy fashion. She finally escorted him back to our room, where he slept merrily through the next days seminars.

I don't know what is my favorite part of the story: the vision of Roberts trying to key into somebody random's room for 15 minutes or the idea that we could have left him in the car without even noticing. Good times. I love work conferences.

Credit Where it is Due

I truly have to thank John Roberts for his help yesterday. John is too busy to attend class today, as wrapping himself in rubber and donning multiple wetsuits after inserting a "foreign object" into his anus has occupied his time. So my thanks will have to be shared publicly.

John, the knower of all things Mac (and "foreign objects"), found me a computer program that can play even the most problematic of my porn videos. Through internet virus or otherwise, the separate hard drive I store my porn on has slowly been causing "viewing problems." Thanks John. Your assistance will keep me happy for a long time. (longer than the "assistance" you normally lend)

For those of you who have missed me, I have been super busy lately. Hating law school takes a lot of energy. And I am angrily masturbating a lot to get past it. Hence the porn necessity. I have also been applying for a lot of jobs. Generally, I try not to combine the two activities. But, alas, we all have our failings.

Bitched Out

Let me just start: "Sandra Gay is a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world." (sung in D-minor).

Now that I have that Cartman moment out of my way, I must inform our dear readers that Sandra Gay bitched out on me yesterday. As she is now practicing "Big Law," I have taken it upon myself to take her out and teach her how to take it like a man on the tennis court. It is, after all, an important legal skill to know how to lose gracefully to your Senior Partners.

But Sandra Gay, afraid of having her proverbial salad tossed on the tennis court, bitched out on me. Something about walking barefoot uphill both ways while it is snowing or some shit like that.

Well, Sandra, whenever you're ready, I'm here. I'll even bring the lube.

New Reads

This post has been a long-time coming. There have been several blogs out there that have recently (within in the last 6 months, that is — yes, I’m a bit behind) linked to the LawBitches. So, the crew here at There’s No Competition would like to give a shout out to these fellow blawgers:

Baby Barista
Tales of a law student in England (law school is a different beast across seas). The stories aren’t real, but I believe that BabyBarista is/was a law student (please correct me if I’m wrong).

Dizzy Does It
A 3L at a Midwestern law school. She says what she thinks in a very refreshing way. Check out this recent post.

Harmless Error
A newbie attorney with a new job, and a new apartment in a new city. Some days I think I want her life, then I read about actually having to do work and I think maybe not so much.

My So-Called Law School
It’s like 90210 meets The O.C. but in law school.

The Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker
A mix of random thoughts, memes and occasional updates about law school. Trying to follow her thought process makes my head spin, but many of her posts also make me smile.

Law with Grace
A 3L in Chicago. Love the way she portrays what is going on around her — definitely a study on people watching and calling it like it is.

Lindsey’s Legal Adventures
Law student or pop-culture goddess? You decide.

Loco Delictis
A 1L from Texas. She’s already experiencing a law of motivation — and she’s only 2 semesters in.

Useless Dicta
Another 1L writing about life, law school and how law school is your life during the first year. We’ve all been there, and we’re all happy we’re no longer 1Ls. Plus, she’s got a great blog design.

The War of All Against All
Two 1Ls whose senses of humor remind me a lot of my fellow lawbitches. Love the professor son of a bitch quotes.